Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

If your husband is banning certain subjects thats not doing couples therapy, contact the therapist on your own and ask for advice. I agree with what you said about Ashley being your Safetynet but do you wanna break up his marriage and could you anyway? what would be the point of that? more pain for more people.

I would never break up Ashley’s marriage

I absolutely agree, if my marriage should end that won’t mean anything changes between myself and Ashley.

Honestly? If the positions were reversed the one off sex wouldn’t bother me. I would know if anything was going to happen between them, it would have happened long before I entered the picture.

The texts I was worried about my husband seeing were not remotely of the “cheating” kind, it was conversations where I’d shared details of fights I’d had with my husband that I had been asked not to share with anyone, but I desperately needed to talk to someone about it

Your H is controlling and abusive. You need to leave.

It wouldn't matter if your DH found you and Ashley in your kitchen together, there is nothing you could do that would justify abusive behaviour from him towards you. It's never ok. Cancelling the therapy appointments, getting angry with you afterwards, being physically threatening - none of these behaviours are those of a reasonable, loving partner. You deserve to feel happy and safe, as does your daughter. If I was in your position, Ashley or no Ashley, I would be leaving my DH.

Your DH's abusive behaviour is not 'your fault'. It doesn't matter what people on here think about whether your friendship with Ashley is inappropriate or not. That friendship is not the cause of your husband's behaviour. HE is responsible for his behaviour, and physical/emotional abuse is never ok.

This is not couples therapy, it’s pretending to work on your marriage in front of someone, any therapist worth their salt will likely see straight through the lies you are both peddling, pretending ‘it’s been a good week’. Your husband is an abusive liar, you need to to leave before the ‘threats’ of violence leave you very bruised, and you have to lie to the therapist again.

Your marriage is not going to last like this.

You use Ashley as your emotional touchstone, not your husband. Ashley is your person, not your husband and your husband resents that you see Ashley as "your rock", not him. You may discount your previous sexual involvement but your husband doesn't. You are dismissive of his worries here. Talking about your marriage to your bestie who got you pregnant, yes, that's over the line into inappropriate behaviour.

Since your husband is showing abusive behaviour, get out of the marriage.

Ashley is a red herring. Hes irrelevant. If it wasn't him it would be something else. You are in a coercive controlling relationship with an abusive man.

Read back some of these posts. You aren't ALLOWED to see your friend? Really? I just asked my ex when he dropped the kids off if he ever thought about stopping me seeing one of my male friends. He laughed and said 'me and whose army?'

He tells you off after therapy sessions for saying something he doesn't like. Tells you in advance what you aren't allowed to talk about or physically stops you doing so by cancelling the appointment.

Wake the fuck up! What would you say to your daughter if she was in this situation?

Do you want your kids growing up and thinking this is normal? Really? You want this to be the template for your children's future relationships?

If I were you I'd get Ashley and the biggest car he could lay his hands on to collect you, your kids and your stuff while your DH is at work and drop you off with whoever can put you up for a few nights while you get yourself sorted.

Your DH has not learned his lesson. Please believe me. Physically aggressive men will always be physically aggressive. They don't change. They can't change. They're sorry, but that doesn't mean it won't happen again. It's never just once. They always do it again, it always escalates to physical violence and they're always fucking sorry. And it's always somehow your fault.

I think you married too young, and now you're looking to see what's on the other side of the fence. I don't think your heart is in your marriage.

He’s never hit me or anything, it’s always been pretty minor stuff or being physically threatening

It is truly depressing that you don’t see how terrifying this sentence is.

There’s plenty on here that agree that I’m the problem because I consciously or unconsciously haven’t been putting his feelings first

There are people who think your friendship with Ashley is inappropriate. There isn’t a single comment condoning your husband’s physical aggression or his general treatment of you. Do not conflate those two things.

Marriage counselling op. You both need to work on your marriage after life changes.
Myself and dh went after birth of our kids as we just couldn't communicate

Read the thread! What is the point of posting this without reading even just the OP's posts?

This really concerned me. It is not proper couples therapy if you can’t speak openly without fear of recriminations. Most people here will just say leave, but can you arrange one-to-one sessions, so you can get advice without a filter? If your husband objects to you being able to speak to the therapist unsupervised then I would be even more concerned. Ask yourself if that is the type of relationship you still want to be in when you grow old?

Speak to Womens Aid for advice to see if they feel your DH is abusive. They can advise you. Dont tell him. Make sure you log out of mumsnet if he checks your phone

I’ve had a few sessions alone with the counsellor but I just can’t share everything with her. It feels incredibly disloyal, because it will sound like a bad person when I truly don’t believe he is, he’s just made some mistakes when he’s angry. She thinks my husband is charming and wonderful, which he can be a lot of the time.

He's a bad person OP. All you've done on here is tell the truth about him, and we have all come to the conclusion that he's a bad person.

If you tell the truth about him to your counsellor and it makes him sound like a bad person, that's because you're describing the actions of a bad person. That's not your fault, it's his.

What’s the point if counselling if you’re not going to tell the truth? How can you possibly get good advice or find a way forward if you’re not telling the problem?

I just don’t see things that black and white. Though last autumn I was close to leaving, I really have seen a change for the better in him since we started the marriage counselling, despite its limitations.

l grew up with my parents in a very violent relationship. The things that have happened with my husband are peanuts in comparison, and in comparison to a couple of bad relationships I’ve had as a teen. It’s made me incredibly conflict phobic I do struggle to know what is normal, and I honestly don’t believe the things that he’s done don’t happen in the majority of relationships

But that’s because, as you say yourself, you have no metric for normality, because of a childhood where violence was routine, and from a string of abusive or unequal relationships you had yourself.

Bloody hell OP. Stop minimising what he does.

Your judgement of what is normal in a relationship is thrown off by growing up in an abusive home and mirroring that in your relationships including this one.

Why are you having solo sessions with your marriage counselor? That's not good at all. Find someone preferably experienced with trauma, for doing your own individual counseling.

Our marriage counsellor does occasional 1/1 sessions, especially at the beginning

Couple counselling is a waste of time for you. The councillor doesnt sound very good either, if they dismiss your feelings and you know they think your husband is charming. It's pointless going.

You do seem drawn to men whom are abusive- previous dp pushing you down stairs, now this one. Talk to womens aid, stay on mumsnet. Log out and don't save your password on your phone.

Ashley is a rescuer. You need to, in the nicest way possible to find a way to leave, be self sufficient and get some friends whom are not rescuers. Break the pattern. Womens aid can help you do that. There will be support on here too.

Do you have any family nearby or you can stay with?

Your dh knows he is a dick. Document everything.

I honestly don’t believe the things that he’s done don’t happen in the majority of relationships

They don’t and you know they don’t. If you’re not on honestly believed that they did, you wouldn’t be hiding them from your counsellor.

Do you believe that most people (in non-abusive relationships) in couples’ counselling get told off by their partners for telling the truth during sessions? Do you think they’re required to hide things?

Your metric for judging relationships and abuse is clearly off kilter, but you’re clearly an intelligent woman. You know none of this is acceptable. You know your husband is abusive. You need to stop telling yourself comforting lies and get out of this situation.