Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

He's not sorry. If he was he wouldn't do it again. He pretends he's sorry to keep you on the hook. Again, classic abuser behaviour. Read up on this and you'll see it's true.
I recommend Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

"It sounds worse when it’s all put together like that. Bear in mind that a lot of these instances had months in between."

it doesn't sound worse, it IS worse. There's no bearing in mind to be had. It's irrelevant. It's all wrong.

He's sorry afterwards too keep you there. It's fake sorry as it happens again.

I don't think your marriage counselor is doing a very good job navigating the complexity of seeing you both individually and treating your marriage. Your husband is controlling the narrative and you aren't being honest. But it is never a good idea to go to therapy with an abuser. And what you described is physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. He's starting on one your daughter.

Abusers don't abuse all the time. Noone would stay with them. It's a cycle. There's increasing tension, the abusive incident, reconciliation where the abuser love bombs the victim, and a calm period.

It’s not progress. It’s the cycle of abuse. He dials it back just enough so you’ll stay. Then it slowly slips again.

You are already worrying about it slipping back.

So you’ll be extra careful not to irritate him. Before you know it you’ll be brilliantly trained to have sex whenever he wants it, to cry silently, he’ll no longer need to threaten or cover your mouth, and you’ll think he’s much better than he used to be.

"He's gotten physically scary"

Regardless of Ashley, it's time to leave.

It is THE MAIN issue, though - even if you can't see it right now.

I don’t believe this. I do not believe that this man has gone from kind, loving and communicative to controlling violent bully without warning.

You're not making him sound any better.

I’m genuinely not whitewashing anything.. but we lost another baby girl when I was 7 months pregnant before we had our daughter. Even though his anger didn’t start then, that’s definitely when there was a shift. He’s opened up with the counsellor and said he was resentful that he feels I got all the support from the NHS/family/friends and his grief was ignored.

Do you understand that this is not a normal way to feel about potentially being pregnant? You feel this way because you know you're in an abusive relationship, no matter how much you protest. PLEASE listen to everyone and do what's right for you and your child(ren).

It's sad that he didn't feel supported when you lost your first daughter but why and how does he say that justifies his abuse of you? His daughter's mother.

That’s very sad. However, it sounds as if he resented not being centred during that awful time.

Some men have to be the centr of the universe. They need to come first. Before you, before your DD. While you are a couple and very much focussed on each other, it’s not a problem. It’s when life gets complicated, when there is competition for your attention, when you can’t put him first because you need to look after yourself and your baby… that’s when trouble starts.

Not because he’s having a hard time, but because he thinks he should be everyone’s priority. And doesn’t behave well when he isn’t.

And my worry would be that, when he finds out you are pregnant, he starts to suggest Ashley is the father. One shove and you have another painful and traumatic loss.

Get out. Get out for your daughter who should not grow up (as you did) in an abusive household. Get out for your unborn baby.

This is something where you have to put your children first, then you and him way down the bottom.

I’m worried he’ll think that too. The timing of it when I’ve seen Ashley more is so unfortunate

So your husband is physically abusive, you’ve confided in Ashley, and you’re terrified your husband will find out Ashley knows he’s abusive? And the FIL is an abusive cunt too?

Yeah, you have to leave. Get safe. He’s been a terrible husband to you and now he’s escalating his abuse and control of you.

If your DH has been OK about this friendship for a long time and only now takes issue with it, I would assume it’s because he’s feeling insecure because he knows he’s been a bad husband of late - whether he realises that’s what’s going on or not, I would be pointing that fact out to him if I were you @Rosegarden47

, it sounds as if he resented not being centred during that awful time.

this!!! Unfortunately the more context yoy share the worse he is sounding :(

I’m so sorry for your loss and what you are going through now.

YANBU and none of this is your fault.

Yeah I think that’s exactly what has happened

I've just caught up with your recent posts. @Rosegarden47please listen to everyone on this thread (or at least those of us who have read beyond the OP) and take steps to end your marriage. I'm not at all surprised to learn that you grew up in a household with domestic violence. It is very common for people from such backgrounds to end up in abusive relationships themselves.

Everything you have detailed that your husband has done is appalling. It may not seem that bad to you, if you have experienced considerably more violence, but please believe me that even one of those incidents is one too many. I have been married for nearly 25 years. My DH has never, ever done anything remotely like that. That is the case for every decent man out there.

Oh, and your husband's apologies? They mean nothing. Abusive men always apologise. It's part of the pattern.

If you aren't prepared to leave for your own sake, think of your little girl. Do you want her to grow up in a household of violence and the threat of violence? Do you want her to be scared every day of her life? Do you want her to grow up to marry an abusive man?

If you can, contact Women's Aid tomorrow. They will help you.

@Rosegarden47 your thread is scaring me. Have you had others in the past? Some details seem familiar.

I cannot tell you how abusive your marriage is and I am very frightened for you that you don’t seem to recognise this due to your childhood.

Please find a way to leave this man and his father.

Oh god. You’re the peanut butter poster. Your husband deliberately goads you with peanut butter, despite your allergy.

Are you serious? I’m fucking done.

I’m so sick of all the bollocks on here. I don’t understand what the fuck is wrong with people.

Yeah, that was the last big fight we had. I’m sorry for repeating the same issues. We did discuss/resolve that issue in our marriage counselling. Though he didn’t deliberately goad me, that’s an exaggeration

Me too. There is literally no point. No matter how much good advice is given it makes no difference. This poster will stay with him no matter how he treats her until he ends up killing her.

It's endlessly frustrating but you can't force someone to help themselves.