Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

My hunch is that:

1. your DH knows the friendship is platonic
2. the real reason your DH hates the friendship is because he guesses you confide in your friend about the awful behaviour to you. He doesn’t want to face that he is an abusive partner. Someone else knowing makes it real.

I virtually never post (I’m male) but had to say something as I’ve experienced both sides, seeing my marriage slip away in excruciating style when a “friend” entered the picture, and also having very close but 100% platonic female friends who unload some pretty horrifying things about their relationships. I only ever listen as it’s not my place to undermine someone else’s relationship. Except that I would draw the line at violence, and tell someone to leave at that point.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, it’s interesting to hear a male perspective. I think you might be right. I think also his jealousy is heightened now when it was never an issue before because he knows how much he’s pushed me away with his anger recently

You say you are 'not allowed' to see Ashley alone and your husband may 'demand' to go through your phone. You are an adult and an equal partner in your marriage so this way of framing things is not OK. DH may ask you not to see Ashley, and you continuing to see him may things hard in your marriage, perhaps irretrievably so, but it's your decision, not your husband's.

You’re welcome. Good luck. It must be frustrating that he feels insecure about his relationship with you, either in relation to his angry bad behaviour or your friend - given how committed you sound in spite of both of those things. I hope it improves and he learns to trust you more. Either way take care of yourself.

Your husband sounds like a prick. Sorry op.

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied, positive and negative.

I know I’m not perfect, and the fact I’m not putting my husband’s wishes/feelings 100% first isn’t good on my part.

For those concerned about my safety, if my husband lays hands on me or threatens to again that will most likely be the end point for me. It’s been over a month since it last happened and we’ve both been making a real effort to step up, so I am hopeful (though I know some people on here aren’t convinced) that things have changed for the better

I know I’m not perfect, and the fact I’m not putting my husband’s wishes/feelings 100% first isn’t good on my part

This sentence is almost scarier than the one where you think because he hasn't put hands on you for a month, he's not going to. Particularly as instead of continuing to grovel he is making you responsible for his insecurity.

I prioritise my dh a lot but it wouldn't occur to me to say I need to.100% put his feelings first.

We are not judging you but please come.back to MN when things continue to get worse.

He’s never hit me or anything, it’s always been pretty minor stuff or being physically threatening

There’s plenty on here that agree that I’m the problem because I consciously or unconsciously haven’t been putting his feelings first

Absolutely this.
OP, your husband is putting his ego 100% above you, your child and your feelings.
The more you say to try to justify the situation, the worse it reads.
You're young. He's fairly young. But he's acting like a Victorian father figure who must have authority and "respect".
Seriously- you need to give very careful consideration to your future with this relationship because from am outside perspective, this looks coercive with a tendency towards threats of violence.

It sounds like you and your husband would really benefit from couples therapy. Having your first child can be really hard, and insecurities can fester in that space. You need to be relentlessly communicating with each other so that you reach that level of trust where neither person would ever feel the need to go through the other person's phone. It sounds like he needs a lot of reassurance from you that you still want to be with him at this point. Having said all that, if the relationship has gone downhill because he's not pulling his weight, hasn't been supportive etc. - maybe it's time to consider whether you do want to be with him - and if he's not willing to work on the relationship to address his unfounded insecurities, he's not a keeper anyway.

What does physically threatening mean?

LTB you should be with Ashley

You should never put someone else’s feelings first! Centre yourself, and focus on you. Why on earth would you sacrifice something as crucial as a good, sustaining longterm friendship for a faltering marriage that involves threats and jealousy?

It sounds like you're in a abusive relationship and need to leave. And Ashley knows about it so he's a threat

I don't think you should be cutting off a friend who has supported you to leave a previous abusive relationship when it sounds like you're currently in another one.

Couples therapy is not only not advised in abusive relationships, it can increase the risk.

Just thinking that maybe your relationship with Ashley is what’s making your marriage bearable?

This isn't how abusive relationships or abusive men work, sadly.

Agreed, I hadn't read the update(s) when I posted that. Obviously if he's abusing her she needs to just leave.

Inappropriate

It's a difficult one but honestly I do think if a woman came on here saying her husband had been meeting up with a "friend" he had once got pregnant not many people would be taking his side..

If your husband is your priority you need to put his feelings first and focus on other friendships where you don't have that kind of history.

We’ve been going to couples therapy for the past few months. His anger has definitely improved since then, so I guess it’s doing some good. I don’t really find it helpful, I’ve been told off in the car on the way home if I’ve said things he thinks makes him look bad. On weeks where we’ve had fights where things got really bad he cancels the appointments or we agree not to discuss what happened

This is why you shouldn't be doing couples therapy with him because he's abusive! The fact that he's not overtly abusing you in the same way at the moment doesn't mean he's changed or stopped being abusive. Couples therapy in abusive relationships increases the risk because the victim sees therapy as a safe space to say things she might not otherwise, and they get used against her afterwards. This therapist is not on your side.

Maybe. Since things deteriorated with my marriage I go to him with thoughts/worries/feelings that previously I would have automatically gone to my husband with. Not necessarily because I “prioritise” Ashley, but he has made it clear on several occasions he’s not interested in what I’m feeling. The incident where he couldn’t be bothered to take me to hospital is where that really changed for me

Ashley's wife and kids deserve to be happy too. Not have a husband/father who's happy to drive four hours to rescue his ex.
OP has said if her DH went through her phone, there'd be stuff on there that doesn't look good.

OP shouldn't be leaning on a married man.
Like others have said, she could have called an ambulance, neighbour, friend, family etc.

No woman would be happy to have a DH behaving like Ashley, but OP is willingly disrupting that marriage.

Equally, no one would like to be in OP's DH's shoes.

If your DH is being abisive OP, then leave him.
Leaving him doesn't mean breaking up another family though.

You've asked if the relationship with Ashley is inappropriate.

You haven't answered if you'd be happy with your DH beong friends with an ex he once got pregnant and chats to the way you chat with Ashley.

That's where your answer lies if you're truthful.

This is why you dont go to therapy together with an abuser