Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

But you can't separate the two.

Her marriage is one issue but turning to an old flame who she slept with (and became pregnant) is not the best way forward.

She's forever comparing Ashley with her H.

Ashley is now married. This friendship is too close for that as well.

Evidently you didn’t read her posts as you’re still posting inappropriate advice
You can select op only see all and have a read through to get up to date
So you don’t look like an insensitive tit

First off, Ashley's relationship with his wife is NOT your problem to deal with. If the time comes that he decides to end your friendship to 'save' his marriage, you need to respect that. But it's not on you to end your relationship because of his wife's behaviour.

Really?

What an odd way to look at things.

Ashley and OP need to cool it.

Whoa. Your husband's choice to threaten you is not remotely your responsibility or your fault.

If your husband had been upset by his boss, would he respond by physically threatening them? No. Because he knows it's not legal or appropriate.

You're already in the mindset of a domestic abuse victim. Domestic abuse always escalates. It never gets better. It also often starts after the first pregnancy /becoming a parent.

Those of us who think the friendship is inappropriate are not tits.
We are entitled to think differently to you. Okay?

It's upsetting two other people- his wife and her H.
her H sounds awful but she has other friends to turn to other than Ashley whose wife is not happy.

The issue is the violent man who is sexually coercing and controlling
Ashley is a minor character a distraction, distraction that works seeng you’re apportioning blame to op

So became friends with Ashley around 14-15, had sex with him at 17, and then married husband at 20. Your marriage to your husband sounds like it happened very quickly, which I think is probably making things a bit worse.

To be honest although many people make good friends with people of the opposite sex during school/college years, it is unusual to retain that level of closeness throughout life with a person of the opposite sex. I’d wager if you looked at a pool of 1000 random peoples best friends, at least 98% would be people of the same sex.

I’m afraid jealousy is a reasonable reaction, and I wouldn’t like my partner discussing the emotions and stresses of married life with someone of the same sex as myself either - let alone with somebody they’d previously sleep with.

Exactly! If the man was doing what she's doing, the women here will be calling him all sorts of names. Double standards!

Jesus christ OP I caught up with this thread and am in shock at his behaviour and your minimisation of it.

He is aggressive. He assaults you. He has sexually assaulted you. He tries to control you. He wouldn't even help you when you had a medical emergency. He doesnt belive or care about your allergies. And you think this is ok, because its not constant and he has not done anything awful for around a month?

I've been with my husband for 20 years and the worst he has done is be slightly snappy with me when we've both been sleep deprived. None of what you describe is normal or acceptable, even as a complete one off

Don't stop being friends with Ashley (my husband is friends with old school friends that shagged and it doesn't bother me - they went there once and neither wanted to repeat it so it's clearly never going to happen again...its a friendship not a 'past sexual relationship')

But more importantly make plans to leave, as it will get worse.

Sounds awful? That’s being slow to share snacks. Its not an apt description of violence
Read were she recalls him shaking her, pining her to a wall, coercing sex. That violence
Lets not diminish this as sound awful

This is too much. You need to see that even one of these instances is too much! He won't ever change

Your last argument was only December and why is his dad over protective?
You will be back on her in less than a mth .
I truly hope you see him for what he is and get help!

Agree you don’t seem to have very healthy boundaries with this Ashley. That said, if your DH is potentially violent you have bigger issues.

Did she mention any abuse in her original post? No! I see how she's throwing in the abuse just to make her husband look bad because she knows what she's doing is wrong. If my husband was abusive, that would have been the first thing I will mention in my post.

Make him look bad? He is bad end of
Youre still apportioning blame to a woman experiencing DV and not the perpetrator
Classy

Yes, why not? If he wanted to be with her, he would be. My daughter's best friend is her ex. He rented a room from me after they split and is good friends with her husband with whom she has three children. The kids love him, her husband trusts him. Indeed, he's one of the very few people tusted with the kids.

It's quite a long thread. Only reading the OP of a long thread and replying to that makes you look ignorant and your response here shows you to be.

Hardly a drip feed. Why would you come on to a thread of 300+ posts and just reply to the OP as if the conversation won't have moved on since then?

Yes. You just heard a one sided story and you are jumping into conclusions. Men also experience DV. I just find it strange she didn't mention this until people started calling her out for her inappropriate behaviour.

Who has time to be reading a long thread? She should have said that in her original post. Simple!

DV disrupts cognitiion,judgement and safety reaction. The victim will minimise,rationalise the DV and blame self
DV is unsettling as the very one person you want and need makes you unsettled and disoriented
Frequently the victim will apportion blame to themself, they wound him up, they argued back etc. It’s a huge emotional turmoil to process DV

i get the victims being disoriented and minimising- it’s a stress reaction to trauma

Others rocking up and minimising and ignoring- no excuses. None

Yes and your daughter's husband is okay with it. This ain't the same though cause the OP's husband isn't happy and the OP is being sneaky about the whole thing. It's his right not to accept or be happy with that friendship.

And if anyone was in any doubt of your lack of tact and sensitivity...

Why don’t you read op posts only, OP posts see all function that’d be simple. Easier than linguistic gymnastics you’re engaged in now
by post 7 the DV was evident

I agree with this. Your marriage needs to come first.

You clearly have too much time on your hands. I'm responding to this post. Who has time to go through all her previous posts on this page? Not me!