Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

Please don’t berate a women who’s experiencing DV
As hard as it is to understand the enmeshed dynamic confuses and distorts judgment and thinking
@Rosegarden47 call WA for advice and go to local authority ask for Temp accommodation and discuss the DV

Yep.

This is really difficult because i get points of view from both sides. I think loyalty should really be with husband but you shouldn’t lose a friend. Could you meet all together? Maybe meeting friend alone bothers husband x

i didn’t read all of it before posting sorry my mistake. Just browsing and realise words like controlling g and dickhead are coming up. More complex. If he’s being like that the friend actually makes no difference. He would behave like this anyway

So your fine with your daughter growing up around your abusive relationship??? Sorry OP but get a grip of reality, your husband is an abusive arsehole

Pressuring you too have sex is not 'peanuts'
Pinning you up against a wall is not 'peanuts'
Shaking you is not 'peanuts'
Putting his hands over your mouth is not peanuts'

This is so powerful, thank you for sharing.

Your husband is abusive and like many men his abuse and controlling behaviour has escalated since the baby was born The problem isn't you or Ashley it's HIM LTB

He isn't just a best friend. He is somebody who you had a sexual relationship with. Not surprised your DH isn't happy about this 'friendship'

YANBU.

IMHO. The friends we choose are none of a partner’s business. If your relationship is long-standing and platonic, then why should you give it up for a partner?

You shouldn’t have to show him your phone.

My DH has never done anything even remotely like any of these things, nor would he. Nor has anyone in any relationship I have been in in fact. You are really trying to normalise things that aren't remotely normal!

From your earlier descriptions of 'almost abusive' I was thinking he had screamed/shouted at you or punched a wall or something - neither of which would be OK. But this isn't nearly abusive, it's already abuse. And he knows it if he won't let you talk openly with your marriage councillor.

Have you read the full thread?????

OP, you are being abused and your husband is an abuser. This man is capable of killing you and leaving your daughter motherless.

Please, for both your sakes, get out of this relationship. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.

Know that as long as you stay with him, you're raising your child(ren) to repeat the cycle.

Hello Rose garden.

I'm a male so I hope that you do not mind me commenting, I can understand your concerns and why you feel this is going to get worse, all relationships are built on trust and without it they can easily go bad.
A lot of people say that they trust their partners it's the other person or people that they do not trust.
But that is not trust, trust is if the people you do not trust try anything then your partner the partner says no.
Even if things with your husband calm down now whether that is due to you not speaking to your friend anymore, what's to stop him from acting like this again later on in your relationship.
The best thing would be to sort the current situation and get your husband to understand that you can be trusted and that male or female doesn't matter, as a friend is a friend.
I hope that you manage to sort things out with your husband.

No sorry I haven't. It's very long.

Maybe read the thread. Select all OP posts.Read
The DV
The sexual violence
Ashley isn’t the issue. The DV from husband is

IMO you can't give your marriage your best shot while this other bloke is on the scene so much.

You need to work with your husband on trying to make your marriage work.
Being a new dad is hard (as is being a mum.)

If your H is physically abusive that's something else. If he is, you need to consider leaving. You've alluded to that but only you know what's happened.

FWIW I had a 'soul mate male friend' I'd dated (not quite the same as you) for several years and used to confide in him at times. He backed off because he felt it was inappropriate. I now see he was right.

I'd pause your contact with Ashley and focus on working on your marriage or ending it if your H is violent towards you.

Your husband is abusive and you and your daughter are in danger. Please, please, get help from Womens Aid to help you understand the situation you're in and what options you have.

So drip feed.about domestic violence. I was replying tio the issue of so called friend Ashley and OP's past with him.

Regardless of what your H does- and that's another issue- you need to back off Ashley as you risk upsetting his marriage.

You can't just be friends with a man you've slept with and conceived their child, even if it didn't work out in so many ways.

You're carrying a torch for him still and he for you it seems.

Put Ashley out to pasture for a bit.
Use your counselling to decide if you want to leave your H but not for Ashley.

Read the whole thread. And if you have, this comment, like many others of yours, is shocking.

I'm good friends with an old hook up. My husband couldn't care less. He knows I'm committed to him and our family. As he is too. Your husbands jealousy is not your problem. As for him saying 'I know what men want' he doesn't!! You can be friends with whoever you damn well please.

Your husband is abusive... you saying "there have been months inbetween" makes no difference. There shouldn't have been any of this behaviour in the first place. Would you want your daughter treated this way? Do the right thing and get her out of there!

@Rosegarden47

First off, Ashley's relationship with his wife is NOT your problem to deal with. If the time comes that he decides to end your friendship to 'save' his marriage, you need to respect that. But it's not on you to end your relationship because of his wife's behaviour. So set that aside. As long as your relationship with him is purely platonic and does not cross boundaries, then there's nothing wrong with it.

Now, as far as you and your marriage. You are in a terribly abusive relationship and you need to end it. It may very well cause you to 'lose your home and your stability' but you can find a new home and new stability. Maybe your 'lifestyle' will change for the 'worse' but it's worth it to have peace and safety. And if it 'changes the course of your DD's life' it will be for the better. It is NEVER healthy for a child to live in their parent's abusive relationship. NEVER. She will grow up with a skewed view of what is healthy. And she will likely choose abusive men when she is grown. Do you really want that for her?

My DH and I went to marriage counseling decades ago (married 35+ years now) due to parenting issues (we disagreed on a LOT). Let me tell you, one of the ground rules our counselor laid down was that what is said in a session is NOT discussed out of a session. This was to prevent exactly what your DH does to you: harangue you about things you say to the counselor. Doing that is so wrong and absolutely counter productive. So is restricting what you discuss. How can a counselor help you when 80% of what needs to change they don't even know about. DH and I had to be completely honest, bare all, and leave the 'session baggage' at the counselors door to be picked up next session. That is how you work through your problems.

And you also need to realize that by concealing your husband's behaviours and leaving yours as 'fair game' (because you are being open and honest about yours) will skew the 'blame' (for lack of a better word) towards you. This works to your abusive DH's advantage, can you see that?

If your DH is 'behaving' it's because he's trying to convince you that what you know to be true is NOT true. What is true is that he's abusive, his father colludes with him, and that he (and his father) will never change. You are on a roller coaster of 'heaven then hell'. Is that what you want for the next 30/40/50 years?

Listen, I have Coeliac Disease so luckily my reactions aren't fatal. But I tell you this, if my DH slipped gluten into my food I would leave him. Because as far as I'm concerned intentionally subjecting a person to an allergen or food one is intolerant to would border on the psychopathic. Nut reactions can be and are often fatal so what your DH is doing is intentionally poisoning you. No different than if he slipped arsenic in your food.

You need to schedule a private session with your counselor. Show him/her my words if you can't find your own. Remember that a counselor will usually not say "Leave" but they will certainly help you see what you should do. And if by some chance your counselor does say leave (this happened to a friend of mine) it is because they feel you are in imminent danger.

Would you be happy if the shoe was on the other foot? You meeting up with him without ur husband knowing is being disrespectful and dishonest. I mean if you want to prioritise him over ur marriage, why don't u go be with him. Treat others like how you will want to be treated. If the man was doing what you are doing, most women will be on his neck. If your husband is not treating you well, divorce is an option. Don't make up excuses to justify ur behaviour.