Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

I was on your last thread. You desperately need to leave.
Please don't expose your daughter to any more of this. Please prioritise your safety.
He's a checklist of abusive behaviour- this is the move to cut you off from your support network. He has already physically isolated you, now he's emotionally isolating you.
Please speak to Womens Aid.

People are allowed to have friends male or female it's healthy it isn't healthy being controlled by a husband and having no friends especially ones that go way back
That's just toxic behaviour a marriage is about compromise and give and take not controlling ur spouse

This all sounds super complex and I understand giving people the benefit of the doubt but honestly you sound so incredibly young especially with how you excuse his actions and a bit naive. What really worries me is you have been married to him for 5 years (since you were 20) and have already gone through so many traumatic miscarriages in only 8 years, and traumatic relationships- how long were you dating before you got married?! How could you even know this person and commit in that time when you would have hardly known yourself? Now you are both tied down with kids when most you age would be travelling or having fun?

His behaviour is not appropriate and won't get better, and he might just becoming who he always was. You need to get better at calling it out and realising IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Also boundaries also don't mean imposing on someone else's liberties. Do not cut contact, he has to accept your friendship end of conversation or leave. If he chooses the latter you are better off for it.

I think your friendship with Ashley sounds a more positive aspect in your life compared to the relationship with your husband. I wouldn't really accept my partner telling me who I couldn't see especially of he had not been supportive himself, that feels like he is trying to isolate you for himself especially given the longevity of your friendship. I think the relationship needs addressing rather than the friendship with Ashley IMO.

Should also say, my DH is friends with his first serious gf. They don't live near each other but message/keep in touch. Never bothered me.
His sister is also friends with someone he had a one night stand with as a teen, I've been on nights out with them and a weekend away.
As someone on the other side, I could never imagine behaving as your husband has.

To be honest it sounds less of a friendship with Ashley and more like you've both ended up engaging in Damsel in Distress Syndrome. I don't think your 'friendship' with him sounds any healthier than your awful marriage.

At some point you need to step up for your daughter and yourself OP. You can't go through life making excuses for mens abusive behavior, and expecting Ashley to come a running every time you say jump... None of this sounds beneficial or healthy for anyone involved.

Oh, how the responses would have been different, if OP was a man and he continued to dally with a woman he had sex with and who miscarried his baby! Double standards!
Yes, your friendship is inappropriate, and no, it is not even a friendship - I have friends, but I don't have sex with them - neither in the past nor in the present - do you know what the definition of 'friendship' is?

Well done for completing missing the context around domestic abuse. It's also bollocks to say you can't be friends with someone you've ever had sex with!

How and why has he lost his temper ?

It is wrong of your FIL in my opinion to get involved. Clearly not helped your husband. I have to agree with some comments that have suggested if the shoe was on the other foot and it was your husband with a close friend, how would you feel? Relationships are never easy, I hope you are able to work things out with your hubby whilst reassuring him that Ashley is just a friend. Good luck!

first post nails it.

Both you and the counsellor are deluded

You need to find a counsellor of your own

@Rosegarden47 if you had sex after he said this, “Pressuring me to have sex before I was ready after giving birth, saying if we hadn’t by x date he would leave”, that is RAPE

Dont get distracted. This is nothing to do with Ashley. Your husband is a violent controlling bully. see a solicitor, consider divorce, call WA
Clear all browser history
Keep a diary
Stay safe and leave him , he won’t change

A leopard never changes his spots.If he has been physically scared has he hit you ?

Got you what?

However a pregnancy should have been disclosed before! It’s an unhealthy relationship if OP couldn’t tell her husband upfront not at a time when they were struggling to conceive!

It's blatantly you here that has many many issues dotto

Imagine coming on MN, saying "My husband is best mates with a woman he once got pregnant, also I've seen his phone and whenever we argue he's running to her to tell her all the details. My mum thinks she might be trying to instigate an affair."

You wouldn't be able to move for responses telling you to LTB, he's cheating, it'll only end one way, he's betraying your trust, listen to your family etc, etc.

Can someone please explain or link to the peanut butter issue? What is everyone talking about?

I do feel that the husband is being unreasonable and stepping out of line. However, for balance, I don’t think your relationship with Ashley is 100% appropriate either given your history. That is my opinion, and I would not be happy with my husband remaining friends with someone who had fallen pregnant with. This feels like a boundary issue to me. Perhaps you could stay friends, but not to the extent you have, your marriage ought to come first.

OP I understand. I once posted on MN saying that my DH regularly swore at me and called me a cunt, asking if it was normal. Posters told me it was abuse, and I couldn't believe it. They said: "leave, he will start hurting you and pretending it was an accident". And he did, he stated shoving past me roughly and pushing. I wrote about that on here too and posters told me "leave, he will start punching walls and breaking things, and then he will hurt you". And if course he did both of those things. Posters said, "he'll start doing it in front of your child and eventually he'll start yelling at your child". And he did.

I have to live with this knowledge everyday.

The knowledge that I knew, because everyone on here told me. I knew and I chose to stay. I took a lot of the advice on board, and it helped - I stood up for myself, got a well paid job so that I could leave, told my family what was happening, wrote everything down meticulously, recognised the behaviour as abusive - but I didn't leave, not until he grabbed me a threw me against a wall. Not a day goes past that I don't regret not leaving sooner. When I close my eyes I can hear clear as day the sound of the door slamming and see my one year olds eyes looking at me scared. He was the abuser, but I am the one who let it continue. And I should have known better, because the women on MN told me.

It sounds like you're already way past the point that I was at. Please OP, learn from my mistakes. There is a day in your future when you are safe and live happily with your DC, and the only problem is you look back daily and regret not leaving sooner. Or there is a day where your violent and abusive husband goes too far and it's too late.

Protect your child, leave today.

here is another perspective, imagine this happening to your mum & dad. Imagine your dad remaining friends with a previous girlfriend he had slept with whilst still being with your mum and trying to raise a family. Just unhealthy boundaries.

What's Ashley's marriage like. Affairs start when you compare how bad your marriages are. If he idolises his wife n no issues then that's fine

@Rosegarden47 you don't deserve all the abuse from your husband or all the people scolding you for staying with him so far. Please reach out to women's aid and definitely keep Ashley. Everyone needs a good friend that supports them and knows you well.
Your husband is an abuser and it always escalates even if you think it's fine as there are months between. Please get out and safe as soon as it's possible.