Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say get a job or get out?

246 replies

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:12

10 years ago, a few days before my second daughter was born, I got offered the job of a lifetime. DH and I talked it through and agreed that he’d give up his job (he was pretty unhappy in it anyway) to look after our new daughter full time. However, not long after, DH started working on what appeared to be an exciting project – apparently it could make us millions! My new job paid well, so we organised for a nanny-share whilst he got stuck into his project. That project turned out to be a non-starter – it disappeared into thin air. We kept the nanny and he sort of pottered about for a bit, coming up with new ideas for projects, none of them coming to anything. When my daughter turned one we went out for dinner – the gig of a lifetime was coming to an end. I was pretty confident I could get more work, but didn’t want all the pressure to be on me (considering I was still breastfeeding at that stage) so I told him I needed him to get a job again. He asked for six months to get a project up and running. I reluctantly agreed and carried on working. During the next ten years things basically repeated themselves every six months or so. I’m freelance and there have been some very lean times, but instead of him getting a job he insisted he couldn’t – his projects were at crucial points, instead I had to resort to borrowing money from my parents. During this time he happily spent lots of money on his projects. One project took him away from home for over a month, cost us 60K and lead to our loans being handed over to debt collection agencies, so I now have zero credit rating. During this time, whenever I became angry and told him he needed to get a job, he’d tell me I didn’t support him or his vision, I didn’t have faith in him. He did do an actual job for a year -it didn’t pay massively but it was just wonderful - he was doing something, earning money and when people asked me what my husband did, I could honestly and proudly tell them, but he got fired (not really his fault to be fair.) Things have come to a head again. The gig I’ve been working on for the last year hasn’t paid well and I’m coming to the end of my savings with a big tax bill looming and no new project in sight. I’ve been begging him to get a job again and even found a perfect job on the internet for him – he wouldn’t even look at the advert, said his latest project took up too much of his time. I told him that I could support him so he could do both, but he said it was impossible. This time he’s asked for two more months… He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework. He accuses me of not being a supportive wife, but after a dozen different projects only costing time and money, how am I supposed to believe that this time will be any different. If it was the other way around I’d go and work in fucking Tesco to bring in some extra cash! I’m getting to the end of the line. What do I do? Tell him to get a job of get out?

OP posts:
Mrsbloggz · 04/01/2025 17:54

Has Walter Mitty really changed his spots or did he just say that to shut you up OP?

MikeRafone · 04/01/2025 17:55

you are living with a Walter Mitty

arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2025 17:56

I think this quote applies here...

'Stop thinking about whether he likes you or not and start thinking about whether you like him.'

Tahlbias · 04/01/2025 18:00

I really do hope that he starts supporting you financially!

Hwi · 04/01/2025 18:01

His not a great dad, he is not your friend, he is the worst type of a sponger - a liar. He knows deep down his projects will come to nothing, yet he leeches off you and lies. You should dump him if not for yourself, then for your daughter.

MyNameIsSharon · 04/01/2025 18:01

He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework.
Good grief! With a best friend like him who needs enemies?

He accuses me of not being a
supportive wife,
You wrote this straight after the above statement. After everything you've done for him and all the years of support you've given him, he has the audacity to accuse you of not being supportive and yet you are worried about him resenting you!
He's not a good person and you are not his best friend. He has done a proper number on you!

I really hope he does apply for the job and actually sticks with it if he gets it. There are a lot of people out there looking for jobs though and he has been dossing around for ten years so I hope he can write a good CV.

Pearshaped20 · 04/01/2025 18:02

Trying to understand what 'projects' they could possibly be. Where has all the money actually gone? Has he made any money/contributions to the household/living costs/pensions etc in all that time. What sort of projects. Sorry OP but I feel you have been used as a cash cow. Ultimatum time enough is absolutely enough. You need to think about you your children and your future. He needs to grow up and stop free loading

Spirallingdownwards · 04/01/2025 18:04

Seriously after paying your tax bill while your savings are zero divorce him.

LemonGelato · 04/01/2025 18:05

I agree. You should have taken action before he lost all that money. You've been a mug.

Plus OP, you are pinning a lot of hopes on just one job (that's IF he does apply) that he has slim chances of getting.

Assuming this is a job in his old professional field then he'll find the job market in many areas is very competitive at the moment. It's also very different to 10 years ago - there are a lot of candidates for roles and online application systems mean they put more barriers in the way to screen out applicants who don't meet the job specifications. I've had to write supporting statements of up to 1500 words addressing the competencies required or answer really detailed questions about my experience in specific aspects of my profession (which is in HR!) just to make it through the first sift. It's not about banging out a fairly generic covering letter and attaching a c.v. any more.

Also employer expectations for skills, knowledge & experience have risen without that always being reflected in the salary. Realistically, what's he got to offer? He's been out of work for 10 years and has no successful achievements to speak of from these multitude of failed projects. Most recruiters simply won't be interested in him and he is unlikely to even get to interview stage.

Job hunting takes time, effort, persistence and the resilience to take repeated rejections. From your description I doubt your husband is going to be able to stick it out long enough or drop his expectations to roles he might feasibly be able to get with his very sparse c.v.

Sorry to be so negative, but I'm afraid you have to prepare for this not to be the huge breakthrough you think it is and think about what you will do if in 2-3 months he still has no job.

BogusHocusPocus · 04/01/2025 18:10

OP, if you hadn't held down a demanding (of your time and effort) job all these years, which hobbies and interests of your own would you have liked to pursue or indulge in?

I'd be furious with resentment in your position. I enjoy crafting and I want to write a book. Unfortunately, alongside working, I don't get much time for either.

I commend you for putting up with this for as long as you have. I also think you're slightly crazy for putting up with it for as long as you have.

Hwi · 04/01/2025 18:11

Sorry, OP, even if he does get off his arse tomorrow and sends his CV off, I still would not have forgiven him for sponging off me for 10 years - what kind of a person it is? If he was happy to abuse you financially for 10 years, why do you even want to be with him? What sort of an example for your dc?

Lightuptheroom · 04/01/2025 18:11

He doesn't need to be a 'bad' person in character and he could be the best dad ever when anyone looks in on your lives. What impact is this having on your dd, or have you got into the habit of financing her needs with loans and credit? One job application? I've been working for over 30 years, recently did 2 applications, was interviewed and didn't get offered the roles. Are you going to end up 'supporting him' through an interview process that he'll have no awareness of, and then he can blame the meany company/interviewer/whoever else he can think of to make you think he is 'trying to find work' when he has no intention of doing so. His habits are too ingrained. Can you tell I have a step son who hasn't worked for 8 years because the job is NEVER right and it's always someone else's fault. There's little I can do as his dad refuses to evict him etc, but you can do something about this. He needs to feel the impact on himself every day of not working and frittering your money away. Not everyone has the opportunity to pursue meaningless projects and its about time he took on the responsibilities of providing for his family

Wonderi · 04/01/2025 18:14

dapsnotplimsolls · 04/01/2025 17:35

I'd want proof that he's sent the e-mail tbh.

I agree.

I do not believe after 10 years of not working, not even attempting to get a paid job, calling OP unsupportive and being so focused in these ‘projects’ that they needed to pay a nanny to look after his kid and borrow money off people just to get by; is this man now suddenly going to get this job.

It just doesn’t add up.

He knows he’s got a good thing with OP.
He treats her like an absolute mug and she still calls him a good husband and father and counts herself lucky to have him.

He’s got OP twisted around his little finger and knows the right things to say to get her to back off (no one else would put up with this for 10 years!).

I think he will either not send the application and act like they never got back to him.

Or send it but not respond to them.

Or turn down the job or accept it but only stay a short while.

I (and I’m sure everyone on this thread would agree) that there is very little chance that this man will be in paid employment this time next year.

Onthemaintrunkline · 04/01/2025 18:14

Yes you most definitely do! Ten years of prevarication, promises and maybe’s!!
All whilst you’ve kept him! You must have the patience of a saint….and he’s milking it for everything he can get. Well overdue for him to pull his weight or there’s the door, well overdue.

starsinthedarksky · 04/01/2025 18:18

I cannot fathom letting this go on 10 years? All that money you’ve lost and all the debt you’re in now? For what exactly?

When my partner moved in with me, job 4+ hours away without having a new one first. He would go through a cycle of getting a job and then quitting within a few weeks, not working for months and then repeating. I was paying for everything. After 9 months of this I was totally fed up and told him stick to a job or go back to your parents house. That was 4 years ago and he’s worked ever since.

nomoremsniceperson · 04/01/2025 18:26

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 17:10

Thank you lovely people. I took the dog out, rehearsed what I was going to say, came back, told him very frankly that he couldn't have two months. I said I would do everything to support him so he could keep working on his latest project in his free time but that he absolutely had to get a job because money is about to run out. End of.

AND HE SAID YES!

I don't know if he realised I was finally not going to take no for an answer or what, but he just agreed. Looked at the job ad I sent him, agreed that it was a perfect fit, said he'd get his CV off first thing in the morning.

I of course burst into tears and was a snotty mess for the next 10 mins. DD came through to ask what was wrong. I told her everything was right.

And I know some of you will think that he's probably all mouth and no trousers and that I should believe it when I see it, but this actually feels like a huge step forward.

And this wouldn't have happened without the wake up call from you guys.

Congrats OP! Had a similar-ish situation with my also lovely DH, after a project going particularly badly tits-up he came to his senses and now he's earning very good money as a carpenter. There are jobs available that can harness his creativity whilst also bringing in a decent wage - it will just take some time and effort to find them. In the meantime, I hope he enjoys his stint in Tesco 😆

godmum56 · 04/01/2025 18:31

All together now....."This time next year Rodders"

DPotter · 04/01/2025 18:38

He's been out of the job market for 10 years - I'm sorry but seriuously, what are the chances of him getting anything other than a beginner level / entry role ? He'll be up against the bright younger things, who have a proven, current track work record.

Keep up the pressure on him GeofferyLlama - what you don't want to happen is for his next 'Project' to be sending off lots of applications for jobs he doesn't stand a chance of getting. Then he decides he needs to re-train, which takes years and costs more.

I feel for you I really do, but don't break out the champagne just yet. Keep your eye of the ball and start asking for recommendations for a good solicitor.

DPotter · 04/01/2025 18:39

godmum56 · 04/01/2025 18:31

All together now....."This time next year Rodders"

Yeah I think that could be the best option - the National Lottery

FoolishHips · 04/01/2025 18:41

I couldn't get over someone stealing 60k from me and my DC and ruining my credit score.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 04/01/2025 18:42

@GeofferyLLama
Realisey last post was a bit harsh (even if likely true and little to no progress will be made) do keep posting on here.

If only to keep yourself honest and your husband accountable

Shakeyourbaublesandsmile · 04/01/2025 18:46

Ten years of training a platinum professional cocklodger

Im sorry he must have been so convincing and it’s admirable, to a point, that you were prepared to support him but I think you need to put yourself first.

What do you need
What do you want

SurroundedByEejits · 04/01/2025 18:48

At the risk of being ridiculed (which usually happens when you mention neurodivergence on MN) he could have undiagnosed ADHD, possibly with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). It can present like the situation you describe. There can be a strong element of feeling that he has to be in control of his 'work output', along with a high level of creativity that unfortunately may not coincide with the business nous or staying power to make it pay. I suggest this because I have personally known a situation remarkably similar.

If you are happy with your husband and this part of his personality/ actions is the only (albeit massive) thing getting in the way, it might be worth reading up and, if you feel it may be relevant, discussing it with him. He needs to know that this is make or break, however, and that he needs to prioritise the family's financial health, and your mental wellbeing, by getting a job (even temporary, and putting the latest 'project' on hold) and seeking advice and diagnosis so he can work on the issue that threatens to break up the family. If, at this point, he chooses his projects over you, you have your answer.

Snowmanscarf · 04/01/2025 18:49

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 17:10

Thank you lovely people. I took the dog out, rehearsed what I was going to say, came back, told him very frankly that he couldn't have two months. I said I would do everything to support him so he could keep working on his latest project in his free time but that he absolutely had to get a job because money is about to run out. End of.

AND HE SAID YES!

I don't know if he realised I was finally not going to take no for an answer or what, but he just agreed. Looked at the job ad I sent him, agreed that it was a perfect fit, said he'd get his CV off first thing in the morning.

I of course burst into tears and was a snotty mess for the next 10 mins. DD came through to ask what was wrong. I told her everything was right.

And I know some of you will think that he's probably all mouth and no trousers and that I should believe it when I see it, but this actually feels like a huge step forward.

And this wouldn't have happened without the wake up call from you guys.

I’m sorry, but he’s very unlikely to get the first job he applied for, especially he’s been out of work for years. Have you looked at his cv - is it up to date and relevant to the job? He needs to be applying to two or three a week.

Also, has he applied for job seekers allowance?

is he future faking you?

WildRoseMentor · 04/01/2025 19:34

That's great that's he's agreed to look for a job but actions speak louder than words. As someone else said upthread, don't let this become his latest project. He can get a mw job quickly whilst he looks out for a better fit. Not going to be easy if out if the job market for 10 years. You need him to start contributing now!