Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say get a job or get out?

246 replies

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:12

10 years ago, a few days before my second daughter was born, I got offered the job of a lifetime. DH and I talked it through and agreed that he’d give up his job (he was pretty unhappy in it anyway) to look after our new daughter full time. However, not long after, DH started working on what appeared to be an exciting project – apparently it could make us millions! My new job paid well, so we organised for a nanny-share whilst he got stuck into his project. That project turned out to be a non-starter – it disappeared into thin air. We kept the nanny and he sort of pottered about for a bit, coming up with new ideas for projects, none of them coming to anything. When my daughter turned one we went out for dinner – the gig of a lifetime was coming to an end. I was pretty confident I could get more work, but didn’t want all the pressure to be on me (considering I was still breastfeeding at that stage) so I told him I needed him to get a job again. He asked for six months to get a project up and running. I reluctantly agreed and carried on working. During the next ten years things basically repeated themselves every six months or so. I’m freelance and there have been some very lean times, but instead of him getting a job he insisted he couldn’t – his projects were at crucial points, instead I had to resort to borrowing money from my parents. During this time he happily spent lots of money on his projects. One project took him away from home for over a month, cost us 60K and lead to our loans being handed over to debt collection agencies, so I now have zero credit rating. During this time, whenever I became angry and told him he needed to get a job, he’d tell me I didn’t support him or his vision, I didn’t have faith in him. He did do an actual job for a year -it didn’t pay massively but it was just wonderful - he was doing something, earning money and when people asked me what my husband did, I could honestly and proudly tell them, but he got fired (not really his fault to be fair.) Things have come to a head again. The gig I’ve been working on for the last year hasn’t paid well and I’m coming to the end of my savings with a big tax bill looming and no new project in sight. I’ve been begging him to get a job again and even found a perfect job on the internet for him – he wouldn’t even look at the advert, said his latest project took up too much of his time. I told him that I could support him so he could do both, but he said it was impossible. This time he’s asked for two more months… He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework. He accuses me of not being a supportive wife, but after a dozen different projects only costing time and money, how am I supposed to believe that this time will be any different. If it was the other way around I’d go and work in fucking Tesco to bring in some extra cash! I’m getting to the end of the line. What do I do? Tell him to get a job of get out?

OP posts:
Farmwifefarmlife · 04/01/2025 19:44

Times up mate!

Moonshine5 · 04/01/2025 19:53

He doesn't sound like a great man great husband from what you've said

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 04/01/2025 21:53

OP, hopefully this job application will succeed, but it's not enough to apply for one job. If he's serious about contributing properly to your household, he will get the application in whilst applying for several other positions which has a good chance of getting, even if they are not what ideally wants. I do hope he comes good for you and DC.

Laura95167 · 05/01/2025 18:56

Make him watch only fools and horses and tell him you don't want a life like this comedy... next year he still won't be a millionaire so he needs a job

Judecb · 05/01/2025 20:25

How can he accuse you of not being supportive when you've bank-rolled his 'Walter Mitty' life for the past 10 years?!! He needs to grow up, get a job or ship out!

Khayker · 05/01/2025 20:38

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:24

Oh he works - masses of research into whatever the latest project is. But he doesn't stick with anything.

So it's a hobby!

dewfirst · 05/01/2025 22:39

Shetlands · 04/01/2025 17:04

And he will resent you, blame you, be vile towards you and all the other things that a thoroughly selfish, spoilt brat of a manbaby would do. That's why your relationship doesn't work and isn't sustainable. He's a parasite and he's sucking the life out of you. Feel free to carry on letting him leech off you forever but you don't really want that do you? You want a better life for you and your DC so your only choice is to relieve yourself of this intolerable burden. Cast him off and let him fend for himself - he's had a 10 year free ride and you owe him nothing.

This x 1 Million …..
I was there , kept accepting similar gas-lighting and excuses . Hoped he would change….eventually became very ill with stress-related conditions because I was responsible for absolutely everything .

Be warned he will not go quietly when you eventually decide to get free and the longer you leave it the more he will be ‘entitled’ to in the divorce settlement. You’ve given him a lifestyle that the court will want him to continue to enjoy - So your savings, pension, everything are in jeopardy .
Also consider how his behaviour is influencing how your kids think about adult relationships ?

BeAzureAnt · 05/01/2025 22:43

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:24

Oh he works - masses of research into whatever the latest project is. But he doesn't stick with anything.

My first partner was like this. Lots of imaginary businesses and no follow through, and I was paying off the resulting debts. I ended up leaving him…he was also emotionally abusive, so at least you are not dealing with that.

But really OP, your DH needs to get a steady job and lessen your stress.

Crazycatlady79 · 06/01/2025 01:06

I've voted YABU purely because you've put up with this scheiß for FAR too long!

AIBot · 06/01/2025 01:17

Give him an ultimatum and stick with it. He isn’t a good partner because he is self-centred and does not attend to your basic needs.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/01/2025 07:40

So, @GeofferyLLama - did he send his CV off yesterday morning?

Pussycat22 · 06/01/2025 07:50

Cocklodger.

LalaPaloosa2024 · 06/01/2025 07:52

I don’t know how you can live with so much uncertainty. My anxiety would be through the roof!

Pussycat22 · 06/01/2025 07:55

MyNameIsSharon · 04/01/2025 18:01

He’s not a bad person, he’s a great dad, he’s my best friend, he does more than his fair share of the housework.
Good grief! With a best friend like him who needs enemies?

He accuses me of not being a
supportive wife,
You wrote this straight after the above statement. After everything you've done for him and all the years of support you've given him, he has the audacity to accuse you of not being supportive and yet you are worried about him resenting you!
He's not a good person and you are not his best friend. He has done a proper number on you!

I really hope he does apply for the job and actually sticks with it if he gets it. There are a lot of people out there looking for jobs though and he has been dossing around for ten years so I hope he can write a good CV.

He should be doing ALL the housework ! If this man lived alone he would claim every benefit going and be looking for someone else to cocklodge with. You deserve much better.x

Pussycat22 · 06/01/2025 08:02

GeofferyLLama , please do something about this. If you don't you will become ill. Think about it . Do you want this for the rest of your life? Arm yourself with research into your and his rights. See a solicitor privately to find out what you can do. And get a good one.

Cupofcoffeee · 06/01/2025 08:07

instead of him getting a job he insisted he couldn’t – his projects were at crucial points, instead I had to resort to borrowing money from my parents. During this time he happily spent lots of money on his projects. One project took him away from home for over a month, cost us 60K and lead to our loans being handed over to debt collection agencies, so I now have zero credit rating. @GeofferyLLama

You should've divorced him from the moment you needed to borrow money from your parents. Did you know the costs were increasing into the tens of thousands? I would've divorced him a long time ago. He's taken advantage of you as you're paying for his hobbies.

RareFatball · 06/01/2025 09:39

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:24

Oh he works - masses of research into whatever the latest project is. But he doesn't stick with anything.

He's addicted to the thrill of doing all the research for his projects ( in what field is he hoping to make his millions?) . Rather than then implementing this information into reality.
This man has ruined your credit and most likely will pull you further into his fantasy world if you dont put a STOP!!!! to it now.

RareFatball · 06/01/2025 09:43

Are we ever likely to see him on Dragons Den?.

Helena39 · 06/01/2025 13:27

For me the marriage would have been over when the debt collection agency came into the picture!

Nantescalling · 06/01/2025 13:58

GeofferyLLama · 04/01/2025 15:24

Oh he works - masses of research into whatever the latest project is. But he doesn't stick with anything.

So he doesn't actually work, he plans. Plans don't fill the fridge.

SparklyLeader · 06/01/2025 19:47

If you are going to leave him, look at custody, as he is the stay-at-home parent, and any child and spousal support you will have to pay since you are the breadwinner. Leaving now while you are at your lowest income and have debt is probably good for you financially in terms of what you will have to shell out. Speak to an attorney and ask them if you can get an order for him being responsible for half the tax-debt and to reduce any spousal support you might have until the tax bill is paid. Here, they will order the non-earner to obtain work, ask your attorney if the courts will do it there. Make sure you total up everything he has spent on projects over time so that can go into the separation of the assets as well since it was joint funds being spent solely on his projects. You need a divorce lawyer and to get your ducks in a row ASAP.

Snowmanscarf · 07/01/2025 12:56

@GeofferyLLama well, did he send the job application?

For reference, a relative is looking for a new job, and has sent three applications off since Christmas already.

LondonLawyer · 07/01/2025 16:32

Snowmanscarf · 07/01/2025 12:56

@GeofferyLLama well, did he send the job application?

For reference, a relative is looking for a new job, and has sent three applications off since Christmas already.

DS1 has made two job applications since Christmas for a temporary job in the Easter holidays, he's at uni.

aloopylou · 08/01/2025 16:04

Time to give him his marching orders OP. If he wants to do this kind of work, he needs to self-fund it instead of relying on others to keep him afloat. I'd say you've put up with enough and he obvs is quite happy to keep taking, whixh says alot about where you and the children tank in the scheme of things. Remove the lifeline and focus on yourself. Rebuild what he has managed to destroy.

DiduAye · 08/01/2025 16:53

YABU for not having Issued the ultimatum sooner He is a financial and emotional abuser Get rid