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Original poster

DS wants to charge

559 replies

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 00:29

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

OP posts:
KimFan · 04/01/2025 07:15

Hire a different band.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 04/01/2025 07:16

MN has such a wired view on things...
He's still at uni, he's not an established professional. I knew a lot of uni students art and music when I was a student... the majority did not make it as professionals.

I also don't think that the argument of missing out on another gig is relevant. It's his parents big birthday! Of course he's gonna attend unless he's a big spoiled bratty moron.
Would I pay his friends, yes of course I would - I am not their parent, they are giving up their time... I might even give something to my own DC IF they didn't expect it. which in this case they do so no
Just say thanks, but no thanks and look elsewhere.

MooFroo · 04/01/2025 07:16

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 00:36

If we don't hire him he'll be invited to attend as a guest, naturally. If he takes a paid gig in preference to celebrating his parents' birthdays, that would be hurtful too.

Show quote history

id be upset too@CompleteOvaryAction!

He’s your child and at your party anyway so should be arranging this either as a gift from him and his mates or at the very least from himself.

Remind him how much his uni has cost you, and other ways you’ve supported his life choices and talk to him about £££ and respect.

I asked mine for help with painting the other day and when he asked me why we don’t just pay someone, I told him it’s because we spend so much money paying for his accommodation that this is just one of the many sacrifices we are making as parent for him to life the amazing fun life he currently does.

A reality check can do wonders! He got the message and helped paint

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 07:17

Ceramiq · 04/01/2025 06:24

You can't pay his friends and not your DS.

How hard is this to understand? If they were going to charge £200 and there’s four of them, she pays them £150. Are you the sort of person who does not believe in paying back. Wow!

Wtafdidido · 04/01/2025 07:18

In the grand scheme of things and in relation to the overall and likely substantial budget you are spending on this event is it worth falling out of a relatively small sum of money? You will be paying his band mates so given all the other expenses and overall budget it’s not going to make a vast debt to just pay him and be done with it. You would have to pay an alternate band anyway which is likely to be a lot more expensive. Yes he should probably do it as his gift to you but it is what it is and don’t let it sour the event.

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 07:22

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 04/01/2025 04:58

If we don't hire him he'll be invited to attend as a guest, naturally. If he takes a paid gig in preference to celebrating his parents' birthdays, that would be hurtful too. so let’s just get this straight.

you’re having a lavish party, lavish enough that you want to hire a band. So you have suggested that your DS plays, that you will play his band mates but that you expect him to do it for free as his gift to you, as gratitude for the fact you’ve (presumably willingly) funded him through university.

But that’s not enough. If you don’t hire him, then you expect him to attend anyway and feel him taking paid work rather than playing at your party, for free, and therefore not actually being a part of the party would be wrong. Never mind you weren’t actually intending to invite him to the party you just want him to show up to play presumably so you can do this party a bit more on the cheap.

I think you’ve got a bloody nerve, if I were him I would just say no to playing full stop, find some paid gig and stuff the party which you don’t really want him at anyway, you just know that it’ll show you up if he’s not there.

And all the posters calling him an ungrateful twat, he’s a professional. And the OP saying she’ll pay his band mates and not him is singling him out personally.

And her expecting him to attend her probably dull party for someone of his age instead of a paid gig is then leaving his band mates unable to earn that night either.

Nope. The OP is the one in the wrong here. If he’d demanded to play then fine. But he didn’t.

He’s a selfish twat

Totaleclipseofthemind · 04/01/2025 07:26

If you are paying his band mates you should pay him.

Simple transaction.

No need to manipulate, demonise and shame your own DS into doing it for free when the rest of his band are getting paid.

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 07:27

Summerlilly · 04/01/2025 05:53

You have to pay him. You can’t say he only were he is cause we funded him.
You’re his parents, it’s your job to support him.
My uncle is a mechanic, should he just always service my car for free cause we are related? 🤦🏼‍♀️

Did you pay for all of your uncle’s training to be a mechanic? @Summerlilly

AllRightNowt · 04/01/2025 07:32

Too often people in creative fields are expected to perform/create for free as it is not respected in the same way other professions are. If he is going to make a career out of this then he needs to charge for his services and should start as he means to go on.

Exactly this. We were told at college never to work for friends or family as they can't afford you. Meaning they likely won't value what you do.
I'd probably not have asked him, surely you want his company as a guest?

Summerlilly · 04/01/2025 07:32

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 07:27

Did you pay for all of your uncle’s training to be a mechanic? @Summerlilly

Show quote history

You can’t bring in that they helped pay for is education, so they don’t have to pay him.
It’s his free time, if someone is doing you a favour in their free time you pay them.
If they offered him a small payment (mates rates) that would be different, instead they are paying his band mates and not him.
Honestly your children don’t owe you anything just because you gave birth to them.

trunch · 04/01/2025 07:35

It's very cheeky that his first words, when you asked him about it, were whether he'd get paid.

In my family we all help each other out without expecting payment if it's something that takes just a couple of hours like this.

However, we'd obviously pay if, say a family member was doing a full day's work.

When your DS is older and gets his own house, he may ask you or his dad to help him do a bit of DIY, ie help put pictures up or paint a room. Your first response wouldn't be to ask him if he's paying you!

The complication here is that you're paying his band members.

I think he should have offered to do it for free though. You may then have decided to pay him!

I'd definitely not use his band and pick an independent one.

Agix · 04/01/2025 07:36

Disagree with almost everyone here. The son should be paid if he is working. He shouldn't be expected to give freebies to parents. He should not be expected to pay back what he has been "given" - raising a child is not a gift to them, it's a choice you make and your responsibility. You forced this world and life on him, he had no choice. Yes, even uni fees if you choose to do it. Because you didn't have to. You chose to. That's not his fault, he was still an inexperienced adult when you chose to.

People are calling him grabby. I think all the parents who expect free labour from their adult kids are being very grabby. Parents raising kids as normal, expecting payback... Doing favours for kids and then throwing tantums when it doesn't mean you get whatever you want out of them. It's so manipulative. You don't own them just because you birthed them. You're not owed anything for birthing them and raising them. If you want him, pay. If you think his music is not worth paying for, get someone else.

I've worked for parents and family for free. Do it regularly, actually.. Not because they're my parents or I owe them for raising me. Not because I'm obligated. But because I just wanted to. Your son doesn't feel he wants to for you. Honestly, that's probably your fault, judging by you attitude and entitlement in this thread. As far as we know, you might always act this entitled and he's putting his foot down.

Winterskyfall · 04/01/2025 07:39

I would hire someone else and let him know you are going with someone else. It will only cause resentment if he continues to insist you pay him. I don't know what your relationship is like with him, but if it's good he is behaving like a selfish child.

IAmNeverThePerson · 04/01/2025 07:40

There is no way I’d pay a child that i was funding through university. Though tbf neither dc would ask.

Newbutoldfather · 04/01/2025 07:41

In a way, you are both being a bit ungracious, although I think he is the worse.

The conversation should have gone:

’We’d love you to play at our party. Of course, we will pay you your normal rate’

’Don’t be silly Mum, we are flattered you asked and would love to play. I don’t want money though, given everything you’ve done for me; just pay the rest of the band’.

WaltzingWaters · 04/01/2025 07:41

It’s really selfish of him when you’ve (presumably) funded his way (at least to some point) through music classes and uni. He’s being an ungrateful diva. He could at least do it as his bday present to you both.

CowTown · 04/01/2025 07:44

NRTFT. If your son were a bartender, would you “invite” him to your party to serve drinks to your other guests all night? Would a waiter be expected to serve canapés to your other guests all night? Would a nanny be expected to watch guests’ kids at the party? Would a kitchen porter be expected to wash party dishes all night? You’re not inviting him to your party—he’ll be working the whole time, with some breaks.

Roundthetwisties · 04/01/2025 07:45

I feel like the ‘wanting to charge you’ and ‘never bought us gifts for birthdays/xmas’ are separate issues.

I get feeling hurt that he hasn’t offered to play as some sort of gift, but if he’s never bought you a gift previously then it surely isn’t a surprise that he hasn’t bought you a gift this year. Hurtful, but not a shock.
How did it get to this? How did he make it through childhood without being shown/expected to participate in gift buying. Some of my earliest memories are teaming up with one parent to make/brainstorm/buy for the other parent. Children learn through adults modeling the behavior that you want to see.

He sounds quite selfish and yes, perhaps pull back on buying gifts for him or have a conversation about your expectations regarding birthdays/special occasions going forward. However, this is unrelated to hiring someone (a band) to play (work) at your party.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 04/01/2025 07:45

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 01:05

The conversation went:
Me: DS, will you play at our party?
DS: Yes, but I expect to be paid.
Me: Oh, I thought you might just do it cos we're your Mum and Dad.
DS: That's not fair on me.

Just felt a bit off to me. It's also possibly pertinent to how I feel, that he's never bought either me or his Dad a birthday or Christmas present, or ever spent any money on us at all (he's generous with his friends and sister though, which is good to see). This is just something that occurred to me this Christmas when a friend asked me what he'd bought me. I don't expect lavish gifts, but a book or a box of chocolates wouldn't be beyond his resources.

I'm hoping he'll eventually see us as separate people from himself with our own feelings. At the moment, it appears we are cash-machines in his eyes. He takes but never gives.

I hope the conversation followed on - “don’t worry about it then”

and significantly pull back on gifts etc.

helpfulperson · 04/01/2025 07:45

Perhaps he is hurt that you don't want to be a guest at your party. Are you other children working at your party?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 04/01/2025 07:47

CowTown · 04/01/2025 07:44

NRTFT. If your son were a bartender, would you “invite” him to your party to serve drinks to your other guests all night? Would a waiter be expected to serve canapés to your other guests all night? Would a nanny be expected to watch guests’ kids at the party? Would a kitchen porter be expected to wash party dishes all night? You’re not inviting him to your party—he’ll be working the whole time, with some breaks.

This is a good point though. Maybe he just wants to enjoy the party.

crockofshite · 04/01/2025 07:49

I'd pay him and his bandmates the going rate for the evening's work.

But reconsider how much family funding you send his way in future.

Goldbar · 04/01/2025 07:49

You should pay him. In fact, I'd go so far as to say you should insist upon paying him. There is a principle at stake here - don't sacrifice it just to get a "freebie" from your DS. Treat him to value himself and his labour by showing that you value him. Treat him to insist that others value it too, and to put in place proper boundaries, by insisting on valuing it yourself. We model to our children how they should expect to be treated.

As for gifts, they should be voluntary, not stipulated by the gift-giver. If he chose to play for free, that would be his choice. If he chooses to give you another gift, also his choice. It's fine to gently teach our children to show their appreciation for those who support them in life (and at this age, I hope you've been modelling this to him though his childhood and adolescence so he's got the message!), but you don't get to dictate the form in which they do this.

And don't hire another band - that's hurtful to your DS, as him not attending would be to you. Support his efforts in the world of work (it sounds like he's doing great) by paying him and his band mates the going rate. It will be worth it for family harmony and to demonstrate to him that you value him.

Rocknrollstar · 04/01/2025 07:52

DS played at our golden wedding party and we paid the other members of his band. They had to travel and gave up time when they might have been earning elsewhere. We also fed them. The GD also played a song each but they are given pocket money anyway.

LlynTegid · 04/01/2025 07:56

If it was just him as a solo artist I think it should be gratis. However, not free given it is a band.

I have relatives who are professional musicians and have never asked them to perform for free.