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Original poster

DS wants to charge

559 replies

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 00:29

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

OP posts:
Whistledown2 · 04/01/2025 04:45

Entitled! Charging your parents or your children big no no.

AllAboardTheTrain · 04/01/2025 04:54

Understand where you’re coming from OP. Completely. However, the fact that your son is one member of the band does complicate matters slightly and muddy the waters. I would just get a different, professional band to do it and forget the whole matter. But as other posters have suggested, keep an eye on the entitlement thing.

Alondra · 04/01/2025 04:56

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 01:05

The conversation went:
Me: DS, will you play at our party?
DS: Yes, but I expect to be paid.
Me: Oh, I thought you might just do it cos we're your Mum and Dad.
DS: That's not fair on me.

Just felt a bit off to me. It's also possibly pertinent to how I feel, that he's never bought either me or his Dad a birthday or Christmas present, or ever spent any money on us at all (he's generous with his friends and sister though, which is good to see). This is just something that occurred to me this Christmas when a friend asked me what he'd bought me. I don't expect lavish gifts, but a book or a box of chocolates wouldn't be beyond his resources.

I'm hoping he'll eventually see us as separate people from himself with our own feelings. At the moment, it appears we are cash-machines in his eyes. He takes but never gives.

Right now, right or wrong, he's looking at the big birthday family party as a business deal. It's hurtful as he's your son and part of your family, but that's where his mind is at. A business deal.

I would respond in kind.

"Thank you for letting us know how much you will charge but want to check other musicians' prices before committing to you.

Love you

mom and dad"

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 04/01/2025 04:58

If we don't hire him he'll be invited to attend as a guest, naturally. If he takes a paid gig in preference to celebrating his parents' birthdays, that would be hurtful too. so let’s just get this straight.

you’re having a lavish party, lavish enough that you want to hire a band. So you have suggested that your DS plays, that you will play his band mates but that you expect him to do it for free as his gift to you, as gratitude for the fact you’ve (presumably willingly) funded him through university.

But that’s not enough. If you don’t hire him, then you expect him to attend anyway and feel him taking paid work rather than playing at your party, for free, and therefore not actually being a part of the party would be wrong. Never mind you weren’t actually intending to invite him to the party you just want him to show up to play presumably so you can do this party a bit more on the cheap.

I think you’ve got a bloody nerve, if I were him I would just say no to playing full stop, find some paid gig and stuff the party which you don’t really want him at anyway, you just know that it’ll show you up if he’s not there.

And all the posters calling him an ungrateful twat, he’s a professional. And the OP saying she’ll pay his band mates and not him is singling him out personally.

And her expecting him to attend her probably dull party for someone of his age instead of a paid gig is then leaving his band mates unable to earn that night either.

Nope. The OP is the one in the wrong here. If he’d demanded to play then fine. But he didn’t.

marmia1234 · 04/01/2025 05:06

He sounds a bit of a wally. Will there be people you know at the party? ( der) they might ask the band to come to their next party. Mine ended up with council jobs, Anzac day regularly, busking at very popular places, bars,and clubs. And he's chucked it in, but is still getting people asking him to join their band. There's no point sitting in your families lounge room having them clap. You need to get out there. Social media is another option. After all that when mine quit I was very sad. I felt like what a waste. His teacher in year 11 thought the same and emailed me. The principal tried but he insisted on going to a different school.
Musicians are a different breed.

araiwa · 04/01/2025 05:06

I've never understood the concept of mates rates or friend and family discount

Whenever I use the skills or services of a mate I'm more likely to pay more rather than less to support my friends business

Demanding completely free is the highest entitled cheeky fuckery.

If he offered, it's fair enough, but to demand it? Especially when you can clearly afford a lavish do and he's a struggling student musician

marmia1234 · 04/01/2025 05:07

I so want to post a clip of him but he will kill me. Is there a way of just having it up for 10 minutes

Alondra · 04/01/2025 05:13

NotOneOfTheInCrowd

I have no idea what kind of family you have but in mine we all chip in. Whether it's bringing a dish or grog, sing or play an instrument in a big family party, it's what family is about.

The OP's son has made it clear he wants to be paid. Fair enough. She may have thought (horrible of her) that her son wanted to be part of his family party, only to be disabused by her naivety.

The son may be looking at playing at the party as a business gig. But he's still her son and 100% should be invited. Two different issues.

XelaM · 04/01/2025 05:34

Ponoka7 · 04/01/2025 00:31

So you'd pay the rest of the band, just not him?
I don't think that there should be mates rates and freebies, when supplying professional services.

To your parents on their birthday?!? 😧

The world has gone mad.

Starblind19 · 04/01/2025 05:37

I find your post really sad. I would never dream of charging My mother for anything especially if she had been financially supporting my career choice and encouraging me. I would view it as something I could do to give back. You need to knock him down a peg or two and give him a lesson in respect. Hire a different band pronto. If I was you I would also stop any money that isn't to do with his education. And minimal gifts now on birthdays and Christmas.

XelaM · 04/01/2025 05:39

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 04/01/2025 04:58

If we don't hire him he'll be invited to attend as a guest, naturally. If he takes a paid gig in preference to celebrating his parents' birthdays, that would be hurtful too. so let’s just get this straight.

you’re having a lavish party, lavish enough that you want to hire a band. So you have suggested that your DS plays, that you will play his band mates but that you expect him to do it for free as his gift to you, as gratitude for the fact you’ve (presumably willingly) funded him through university.

But that’s not enough. If you don’t hire him, then you expect him to attend anyway and feel him taking paid work rather than playing at your party, for free, and therefore not actually being a part of the party would be wrong. Never mind you weren’t actually intending to invite him to the party you just want him to show up to play presumably so you can do this party a bit more on the cheap.

I think you’ve got a bloody nerve, if I were him I would just say no to playing full stop, find some paid gig and stuff the party which you don’t really want him at anyway, you just know that it’ll show you up if he’s not there.

And all the posters calling him an ungrateful twat, he’s a professional. And the OP saying she’ll pay his band mates and not him is singling him out personally.

And her expecting him to attend her probably dull party for someone of his age instead of a paid gig is then leaving his band mates unable to earn that night either.

Nope. The OP is the one in the wrong here. If he’d demanded to play then fine. But he didn’t.

This is his parents we are talking about and it's their big birthday. Why would he choose to be somewhere else?! Mumsnet has such weird relationships between parents and adult kids.

MaggieBsBoat · 04/01/2025 05:48

Just pay some professionals. Tell him that as you’ll need to pay you’d rather pay for people who do it for a living and are more likely to be good!

Summerlilly · 04/01/2025 05:53

You have to pay him. You can’t say he only were he is cause we funded him.
You’re his parents, it’s your job to support him.
My uncle is a mechanic, should he just always service my car for free cause we are related? 🤦🏼‍♀️

MoveToParis · 04/01/2025 05:57

Intensiv14 · 04/01/2025 00:31

It would be nice of him to do it as a favour, if he’s only there because you’ve funded him, but is he a) skint and b) going to miss a paid gig for playing at yours?

This!

If he’s Harry Styles, then not so much!

Jennwrenn · 04/01/2025 06:08

Just hire a different band and avoid navigating this mess.

Painauraison · 04/01/2025 06:18

Don't bands have to do lots of gigs free or cheap to get heard?
I'd go with another band because this is obviously causing tension. I would not expect to pay tbh!

Ceramiq · 04/01/2025 06:24

You can't pay his friends and not your DS.

marshmallowfinder · 04/01/2025 06:27

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 04/01/2025 00:30

If it was just him you might have a good point. How well do you know his band members? Should they also give up an evening to do their job for free?

Did you actually read the OP?

AnotherCrazyCatLady · 04/01/2025 06:29

Just to add – the son didn't offer to play at this party, the OP asked him.

If she was expecting this to be gratis, maybe she should have framed the initial request to reflect this – something along the lines, "your dad and I have been thinking about what present we'd like from you for our birthdays, and we'd really like your band to play some music at our party. Have a think about whether you'd be ok with that. We'll obviously pay your band mates for their time".

It sounds like this party is going to be big - with a marquis, catering and the like – and maybe the son's position is that either he's (1) a guest who gets to enjoy the whole event with his family and friends or (2) a professional providing entertainment for others, in which case he should be remunerated. I don't think this position is itself unreasonable.

If the son tends to be ungracious then the OP can think about how and when to address this.

Tel12 · 04/01/2025 06:30

I'd pay him, but I'd definitely say you know where you stand. I suspect that as a fully fledged adult you'll see little of him.

Fuzziduck · 04/01/2025 06:58

I'd probably organise an alternative, and say you want him to enjoy the night and be part of it.

healthybychristmas · 04/01/2025 07:01

Given your later posts, I think I would get a different band. He has a really bad attitude. How come nobody has asked him why you don't get a present? Does he have a part-time job or is he buying presents for other people using your money?

harriethoyle · 04/01/2025 07:01

Yeah he sounds like an arse - sorry @CompleteOvaryAction . Might be time for a sit down chat about mutual respect. And if he doesn’t step up for your next birthday that would be the last present I bought him.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/01/2025 07:03

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 04/01/2025 00:40

If you've funded him through his music degree at uni, fuck that. He's a right cheeky twat to ask.

This, tbh. He sounds very entitled - you don’t charge parents who have been bankrolling your uni course ffs! I’d invite him as a guest and use a dj instead.

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 07:13

Jaapssthia · 04/01/2025 04:01

Don’t be so entitled, pay him, he’s a student FFS.

Is this a joke FFS?????
Calling the OP entitled when her jumped up DS has never once bought a birthday or Christmas present for either of his parents and they are currently funding his third year at uni???
Your attitude@Jaapssthia is the attitude that is breeding the utter selfishness we are seeing amongst the young people of today.
“LOOK AT ME, DO YOU LNOW WHO I AM? THE WORLD OWES ME A BIG FAVOUR”