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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to charge

559 replies

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 00:29

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

OP posts:
Lorelielee · 04/01/2025 02:34

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 02:17

You mean an anonymous public forum @Lorelielee

Yep! Been waiting for the ‘Let’s blame the parents’ brigade to show up. Well maybe if he views his parents with such disdain, he will make sure his career is a success so he can pay them back everything for which he wasn’t grateful.

Show quote history

It's not his hobby though is it? He is trying to make a living from playing music. And he must be good if he has done a music degree.

It is his profession. Maybe he wants some respect from his parents. His Mam clearly doesn't have much respect for him as she had outlined in her postings. It's a professional opportunity for him. She should offer the same pay as she has to his band mates. Not slag him off online. She should talk to her son. They have arranged this massive party so must have some communication skills.

She has slagged her son off online whether it's anonymous or not is irrelevant. I would be heartbroken if my mam did that and so would you. She isn't asking for advice or understanding she wants strangers to slag her son off to validate her opinion.

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 02:35

SkyBlueCloudyLakes · 04/01/2025 02:29

This!!! 1000x this
I can't understand how some people think it's unreasonable to ask your son one time! to perform for free on special birthday...
And the son demanding payment...crazy
So yes maybe in this case you should hire someone else and let your son join the party as guest, since he doesnt seem to be that keen on performing.

Edited
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@SkyBlueCloudyLakes
There are so many people thinking OP is unreasonable, because generally there are now way more selfish people in the world than there used to be. Selfishness spreading faster than Covid did!

marmia1234 · 04/01/2025 02:37

How much did he ask for? How long was the set? I gather he wasn't happy to have his mates paid but not himself. It's pretty unusual. At the party for his gf's mum my DS did , all around me were compliments about the band and R especially who dragged the 50yo mum up to the stage they were on that they'd 'd set up in their backyard to sing an INXS classic with him. She sent a video to everyone the next day saying he had made her dream come true to be a rock star. Obviously OTT but she was super duper happy . You don't need to be paid for that except maybe expenses. ( all the band lived within walking distance so wasn't an issue). They were all told to eat and drink as much as they wanted , and left a very happy group.

WearyAuldWumman · 04/01/2025 02:43

ETA Apologies - i misread. You're offering the rest of the band their fee, so that's okay.

I was in an accordion group for a while. We played at a band member's granddaughter's reception. The grandad didn't want payment, of course, but the rest of us were offered our usual rate. We all declined...but the point is that the offer was made.

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 02:50

Lorelielee · 04/01/2025 02:34

It's not his hobby though is it? He is trying to make a living from playing music. And he must be good if he has done a music degree.

It is his profession. Maybe he wants some respect from his parents. His Mam clearly doesn't have much respect for him as she had outlined in her postings. It's a professional opportunity for him. She should offer the same pay as she has to his band mates. Not slag him off online. She should talk to her son. They have arranged this massive party so must have some communication skills.

She has slagged her son off online whether it's anonymous or not is irrelevant. I would be heartbroken if my mam did that and so would you. She isn't asking for advice or understanding she wants strangers to slag her son off to validate her opinion.

Show quote history

Mmm…Just remind me how he came to be in the position to do this degree and undertake these gigs??? His parents have funded him for 3 years. Have you any idea how much that has cost? No of course we do not say “We did this for you so now you owe x, y or z” However do you think it’s absolutely shocking to give back to people? To payback when you have been given this fantastic opportunity?

Of course his mum can communicate. Why are you suggesting she can’t? She communicated that she wanted him to play and I’ve no doubt she would have offered to pay, had he not jumped down her throat immediately telling her he wanted money.

I’m quite confused about the bit where she wants strangers to slag her son off online.
she says “Is this just inexperience talking? Should we stand our ground or does he have a point?”

Not actually asking for him to be slagged off then?

AnnaL94 · 04/01/2025 02:50

If he approached you first and said “Hey mum, how’s about me and the band perform at the party? We’d do it for free, no bother!” Then that’s fair enough.

However, you asking your son first and expecting him to not be paid whilst his band mates will be - is shocking. Truly shocking.

MarchInHappiness · 04/01/2025 02:52

YANBU Op. Three of my brothers are tradies, two of them have always offered mates rates to family (i.e siblings and parents), generally only for parts, one brother even re-wired my house. I am in accountant and helped mum with tax returns and two of my brothers with their book keeping. We are family, so I wouldnt have the nerve to charge them full whack.

The other brother (who we are all NC with) once charged my parents hourly rate for installing a couple of cabinets in their kitchen. I was horrified.

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 03:00

AnnaL94 · 04/01/2025 02:50

If he approached you first and said “Hey mum, how’s about me and the band perform at the party? We’d do it for free, no bother!” Then that’s fair enough.

However, you asking your son first and expecting him to not be paid whilst his band mates will be - is shocking. Truly shocking.

@AnnaL94

This is really not rocket science. Let’s say there is four of them and the going rate is £200. He could then have said “We’ll call it £150 because I absolutely refuse to charge you. This will make up for the fact that I’m a total dick and a tight arse who has never once bought you or dad a birthday or Christmas gift. “

Unfortunately the conversation about money didn’t get to happen, because the second the last syllable was off mum’s tongue, inviting the money grabbing tight arse her talented son to play, he was demanding money.

marmia1234 · 04/01/2025 03:07

Starting out as a musician you need exposure not money ( if you are living with your parents). I'd be so cross and so would my friend ( whose birthday it was and whose daughter was in the band and at the time ny DS's gf), Of course they didn't ask for money , neither did the other 2 boys. They have been friends for years. Playing music ( which they love doing) for an audience of mainly friends and neighbours and an enormous dinner , well you're a bit weird if you think that is a bad night out.

steff13 · 04/01/2025 03:25

AConcernedCitizen · 04/01/2025 01:09

If you're hiring a band, you pay the band's fee, not the band's fee minus a percentage because one of them is your son.

He's a kid trying to make a few quid with his pals...put your hand in your pocket!

This is my thinking. You don't pay the individual band members, you pay for the band as a whole.

TheHardestWalk · 04/01/2025 03:27

’It can be your birthday present to us DS and it will be one we will really treasure’

Ilovelifeverymuch · 04/01/2025 03:27

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 04/01/2025 00:30

If it was just him you might have a good point. How well do you know his band members? Should they also give up an evening to do their job for free?

She said they plan to pay his bandmates.

Onthemaintrunkline · 04/01/2025 03:29

Leave it, get a DJ.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 04/01/2025 03:30

Ponoka7 · 04/01/2025 00:31

So you'd pay the rest of the band, just not him?
I don't think that there should be mates rates and freebies, when supplying professional services.

The difference here is OP and her DH were the ones who paid for his lessons and did all the running around to classes etc so he could build the skills so it would be nice to show appreciation to his parents by performing for them for free. That's my understanding of where OP is coming from.

That's different from expecting a friend to provide professional services for free.

WishinAndHopin · 04/01/2025 03:33

YABU because you’d have to pay for another band. Just choose a better band and pay for them. Also it’s odd to pay his friends but then not your son.

Gowlett · 04/01/2025 03:50

I don’t think it’s fair to pay them, and not him.

LostittoBostik · 04/01/2025 03:59

I think you should pay him because he's working - not being guest - at his own family party.

Jaapssthia · 04/01/2025 04:01

Don’t be so entitled, pay him, he’s a student FFS.

LostittoBostik · 04/01/2025 04:02

"It feels strange to ask for payment when you love someone."

Sorry OP, I totally disagree. If you love someone it feels really weird to undermine their professional skills by expecting them to perform them for free.

GoldenPond88 · 04/01/2025 04:06

Give him an itemised bill for some things you have done for him (washing, lifts, whatever) and then ask him if he wants to call it even.

PeloMom · 04/01/2025 04:07

If I thought my kid/ relative/ etc was good enough to play/ provide a service for me, I’d be proud to pay them in full. And recommend them left and right. I thought that it was all about when we say to support a loved one?

PeloMom · 04/01/2025 04:14

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 01:15

Weird logic. OP has funded him for 3 years through uni. Maybe an ideal opportunity to say thanks mum and dad for all your support and encouragement through the years.

Show quote history

It’s one thing for him to suggest. It’s different for OP to feel entitled to his free service. He didn’t ask her to pay for his education, she as a parent decided. But can’t expect eternal gratitude. I think it’s good the son values his time and skills and expects payment.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/01/2025 04:21

RogueFemale · 04/01/2025 00:54

@CompleteOvaryAction If I were your DS, no way would I expect or demand to be paid. It'd be a thank you gift to my parents for everything they'd done bringing me up, and for their special birthday.

He's also still a student, not a professional with global clients. (Are you funding his third year?)

But, if he feels like this, I agree the best thing would be to drop it and hire other music, not argue about it.

But if you're a music student being paid for any gigs, you ARE a professional! 🙄

LBFseBrom · 04/01/2025 04:22

Completeovaryaction: I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?
........
I think the same.

My son is a professional musician, plays all over the world, but does not charge his friends for private events like this, neither would he.

In this case it could be his gift to you.

I have a feeling he hasn't thought it out but tell him, no, you will get some other sort of entertainment.

LBFseBrom · 04/01/2025 04:33

Iamthe Devil'sAvocado: But if you're a music student being paid for any gigs, you ARE a professional! 🙄
.......
Yes but you don't charge your parents!

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