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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to charge

559 replies

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 00:29

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

OP posts:
1apenny2apenny · 04/01/2025 09:29

I was with you from the start OP but am even more now I've seen your post re his attitude.

In my world you help and support and do favours for family, you don't expect payment. It's offered great.

I assume you are financially supporting him through uni? What does this look like? All fees etc or his taking the grant that he'll have to pay back?

I agree with other posters, he needs a wake up call although you need to be prepared that he may double down (his loss though). My children can be very expecting but I am very clear on what things cost and what to expect and it has to be reciprocated.

I would be finding another band or DJ to do my party, I wouldn't tell him this. Then just invite him plus a friend - no bringing a few mates along. Additionally I would be having a sit down and an adult conversation about how things will be moving forward. Expectations of chores at home (how is he at these) and the renegotiation of financial help,

ChateauMargaux · 04/01/2025 09:31

How much is he asking for? I am team 'pay him'.

Sushu · 04/01/2025 09:31

You’re both unreasonable. For me, it isn’t about the money but recognising the value of his profession by offering to pay. In return, he should decline and insist on doing it for free as his gift to you.

While I think it was very rude the first words out of his mouth were asking to be paid, it sounds like he assumed correctly that you were after a freebie!

Neveragain35 · 04/01/2025 09:32

YANBU - my DH is in a band and it is a common thing to waive your own fee for a good friend/ family member. Eg they played at the party of a friend of the singer recently, the band got paid but the singer did it for free.

Sounds like he’s young and self-absorbed. It depends what you want to do. If you really want him to play I’d just pay him for the sake of keeping the peace. Chances are he’ll be embarrassed about it when he grows up a bit.

Sickoffamilydrama · 04/01/2025 09:34

DH is in a professional band of they've ever done a family event the band member whose family it is waives their fee and the others get paid.

They do that because they want to do something nice for their family.

They will do a bit of a discount for friends but careful for it not to become a slippery slope as people seem to think bands should do work for less than minimum wage.

thing47 · 04/01/2025 09:34

We have professional musicians in the family and there is no chance they would be charging in these circumstances. Absolutely zero. In fact, I can say that with complete certainty as we have a similar situation next year, and I know they are not charging to play. The hosts in that instance offered to pay and were told not to be silly by the band members.

You say your DS is still a student, so are you helping to fund his studies? If so, I would gently point that out.

1apenny2apenny · 04/01/2025 09:34

And if my child didn't attend my special birthday party due to them having other work then I would be telling them it's a shame they don't value family and from now on they need to bear in mind that they can't just rely on us for support.

His attitude is not to do with maturity, he's a self centred, selfish person. My assumption is that he is fine being treated in the same way.

julia08 · 04/01/2025 09:35

Editing as hadn’t read full thread!

DearGoldBee · 04/01/2025 09:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

For me, the issue doesn't really read as expecting repayment, more that the OP is disappointed that her son didn't offer. Generosity and sense of give and take are important to me, and I would probably want to discuss it from that angle if I were in the OPs shoes

Ceramiq · 04/01/2025 09:36

Prettydisgustingactually · 04/01/2025 07:17

How hard is this to understand? If they were going to charge £200 and there’s four of them, she pays them £150. Are you the sort of person who does not believe in paying back. Wow!

Show quote history

Children never have to pay their parents back for their education.

IdylicDay · 04/01/2025 09:36

julia08 · 04/01/2025 09:35

Editing as hadn’t read full thread!

Edited

Maybe read all of the OPs replies on this thread, @julia08 He is a selfish freeloader who has never bought his parents a birthday present or a Christmas present.

BananaSpanner · 04/01/2025 09:37

Honestly, I would just say to him at this point that you’d rather have him there as a guest than working and just hire a DJ or different band instead. Save on the aggro.

Re presents, have a discussion separately from this issue about whether you, as parents, and him as another adult family member are ‘doing’ presents anymore. Make it clear that it’s a 2 way thing, if he wants to keep receiving gifts then he buys them as well. It’s not mean, it’s teaching him an important lesson about family relationships otherwise he’ll end up being subject of a post on here in about 10 years time where his future wife is upset that he hasn’t got her anything despite her treating him on his birthday.

mewkins · 04/01/2025 09:37

CheshireCats · 04/01/2025 00:35

@Ponoka7 But he is not a professional- he is a student. And I don't think there should be any "rates" at all for him to play at his own parents' big birthday party.
At the very least he could perform free as his birthday gift to them.

What makes someone a professional? Surely the majority of people in bands don't have a degree but still play for money?! If the rest of the band are being paid, pay him.

SnakesAndArrows · 04/01/2025 09:38

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 01:05

The conversation went:
Me: DS, will you play at our party?
DS: Yes, but I expect to be paid.
Me: Oh, I thought you might just do it cos we're your Mum and Dad.
DS: That's not fair on me.

Just felt a bit off to me. It's also possibly pertinent to how I feel, that he's never bought either me or his Dad a birthday or Christmas present, or ever spent any money on us at all (he's generous with his friends and sister though, which is good to see). This is just something that occurred to me this Christmas when a friend asked me what he'd bought me. I don't expect lavish gifts, but a book or a box of chocolates wouldn't be beyond his resources.

I'm hoping he'll eventually see us as separate people from himself with our own feelings. At the moment, it appears we are cash-machines in his eyes. He takes but never gives.

Did he say he (singular) or the band would expect to be paid?

How did the rest of the conversation go - when you said of course you were always intending to pay the rest of the band, it was just him you expected a freebie from?

julia08 · 04/01/2025 09:38

IdylicDay · 04/01/2025 09:36

Maybe read all of the OPs replies on this thread, @julia08 He is a selfish freeloader who has never bought his parents a birthday present or a Christmas present.

Show quote history

Apologies, that changes things and will teach me not to read the full thread!

Goldbar · 04/01/2025 09:38

I think you need to separate out two things - the party and his general attitude at home and with gift-giving.

Friends and family should not demand or expect professional/work services for free. There's a thin line here in terms of boundaries. Always offer to pay. Artists/tradespeople etc should never be expected to work for free, that undermines the value of their time and services and normalises exploitation. Your DS is right that you should pay him. This shows respect for what he does and that you don't just see it as "DS's little band".

But this doesn't change the fact that he sounds like an ungrateful little so-and-so who needs a wake-up call in terms of doing more at home and appreciating those who support him. It sounds like he takes the support he's given for granted. I can understand why this grates on you and I don't think YABU to want him to contribute more.

I wouldn't have the second argument at your party though or tie the two issues in with each other. That will just lead to bad feeling and resentment over what should be a happy event, whereas actually what is needed is more respect on both sides.

Joelle84 · 04/01/2025 09:40

Your turning this into a massive problem for no reason. Youve asked his band to play. Your paying his band mates, that should include him too. I dont see the issue. Just pay him!

DearGoldBee · 04/01/2025 09:42

No33 · 04/01/2025 00:49

This screams of influencers 'give me stiff for free for exposure'

Why would you expect your son to work for free? This is his job, just because it's within the creative industry doesn't make it less so!

Equating what seems to be a loving and supportive parent hurt because her son has form for being ungenerous with an influencer demanding free goods and services is a reach.

ImBlindasabat · 04/01/2025 09:44

Yes, although I'm sure it will be very good, bear in mind, that they are still only students and sometimes they'll make professional rates gigging and sometimes they won't. If you want a pro band, hire a pro-band.

sparkellie · 04/01/2025 09:45

Haven't read the full thread, but I don't understand how you would hire them all separately? I've never known a band to charge per player? And could they perform if he didn't? It seems very strange to me. Surely you just pay them as anyone else would and they sort it between them?

Nofrogslegs · 04/01/2025 09:46

I think get in a professional band. Invite your son to the party instead, it’ll be less stressful. I’m sure the band are decent enough and I get that it would be nice having your son’s band playing at your birthday but not as good as you’d get from a band who do it for a living. That way you’ll have more say on type of music/ songs/ time they will play for. Suspect your son will take best of both worlds otherwise i.e. expect paid plus take advantage of it being his parents party and choose time, have more breaks, eat and drink the food etc
He’s being daft not wanting to play, sounds like a big bash him and his mates would benefit from through publicity (if they’re any good) and think just cancelling the idea may start to give him the wake up call he needs.
no presents/ card for your or his dad’s birthday is a bit ridiculous at his age- my, much younger, dc know and choose to buy something for parents and grandparents at birthdays and Christmas as a small token, £5 max each so chocolate or shower gel etc but their money and understand it’s the thought/ gesture that is important

Princessfluffy · 04/01/2025 09:46

I'd assume that he doesn't really want the gig OP.

Hire a different band.

Nogaxeh · 04/01/2025 09:47

Earning a living as a musician is hard enough without people expecting you to do it for free as a favour.

You should definitely be paying him.

Grammarnut · 04/01/2025 09:48

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 04/01/2025 00:30

If it was just him you might have a good point. How well do you know his band members? Should they also give up an evening to do their job for free?

OP intends paying the other band members. I would probably pay an agreed fee for the band and let the members share it between themselves - which would be the arrangement for any other gig they do.

myslippersarepink · 04/01/2025 09:48

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 01:05

The conversation went:
Me: DS, will you play at our party?
DS: Yes, but I expect to be paid.
Me: Oh, I thought you might just do it cos we're your Mum and Dad.
DS: That's not fair on me.

Just felt a bit off to me. It's also possibly pertinent to how I feel, that he's never bought either me or his Dad a birthday or Christmas present, or ever spent any money on us at all (he's generous with his friends and sister though, which is good to see). This is just something that occurred to me this Christmas when a friend asked me what he'd bought me. I don't expect lavish gifts, but a book or a box of chocolates wouldn't be beyond his resources.

I'm hoping he'll eventually see us as separate people from himself with our own feelings. At the moment, it appears we are cash-machines in his eyes. He takes but never gives.

You must have taught him that. I helped my kids buy gifts for their other parent when they were small, then gave them money to buy for each parent when teens and would expect them and they do, buy something out of their own money as older teens and adults. You obviously haven't built that expectation in him when bringing him up.