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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to charge

559 replies

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 00:29

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 04/01/2025 09:01

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 04/01/2025 00:30

If it was just him you might have a good point. How well do you know his band members? Should they also give up an evening to do their job for free?

OP has said that the other band members will be paid.

devilspawn · 04/01/2025 09:01

Fishystripe · 04/01/2025 08:35

I think they would if it was your own child who was the electrician/plumber/builder and it was a couple of hours work AND you were still funding their training. You're also missing out the fact that it's his parents' big birthday. The idea it's to do with the creative industries is a red herring.

Show quote history

What's it being a big birthday got to do with anything? Other than having a bigger budget?

That they'd pay someone else but not their own son is more hurtful imo.

Londonrach1 · 04/01/2025 09:02

Surely he rather attend as a guest. Just book another band and let me attend as a guest.

CautiousLurker01 · 04/01/2025 09:03

thepariscrimefiles · 04/01/2025 09:01

OP has said that the other band members will be paid.

Show quote history

As they should… they’ll be working, too. Just as the OPs son will be…

Comefromaway · 04/01/2025 09:06

OurDreamLife · 04/01/2025 08:56

How many paid gigs do they actually do? I can’t imagine they are in huge demand as students.

He sounds arrogant.

You’d be surprised. My son had to leave his band because he had too much work. They were playing gigs every week but he was also getting theatre pit work.

also what a lot don’t realise is the extra work that goes into being a function band. Most college/uni bands work on their own original music. The unpaid grass roots music venue gigs they go to get exposure they are able to play a short support set of their own music.

For a function unless OP is prepared to give them total freedom they would usually be expected to learn a couple of hours worth of concert vets. That’s a lot of songs/time/effort involved.

InWithThePlums · 04/01/2025 09:06

Weird to pay his band mates but not him.

InWithThePlums · 04/01/2025 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It’s worse that she’s paying the band but not him imo!

peachystormy · 04/01/2025 09:10

Ah now that you have provided more info, he does come across a bit cheeky. demanding payment and he can't even get you or his dad a Xmas present

DowntonShabbie · 04/01/2025 09:11

Literally the whole point of Mumsnet. First day here?

LBFseBrom · 04/01/2025 09:11

ClairInTheCommunity · 04/01/2025 08:31

I think you should pay him. It would be wrong for him to ask his bandmates to play a gig - any gig - for free. And you couldn't deduct his share of that fee, could you? It would be a weird thing to do. What if each band member is asked to pay for free at relatives gigs? They will always be doing favours for family/friends and never make any money.

You are effectively saying that he should give you the gig as a present, but it is up to him what present he gives you on the day. I would understand if you were asking for a discount.

I know people whose kids have become very wealthy - they don't expect special favours from them. Pay up.

The op said she would pay his band mates, no problem. That is not the issue, it is that he won't do something like this for his parents as a gift. I think he is being unbelievably mean and have not come across it before.

WidgetDigit2022 · 04/01/2025 09:12

Yanbu. This is a valuable lesson for him, of course you don’t charge your loved ones for services, as long as it’s reciprocated. Are either you or your husband tight or stingy with money?

He sounds very entitled. Id sit him down and explain that this is a moral standard that you expect, in the same way that when you and his dad help him, you don’t expect payment.

Im shocked he can’t see this. Does he have any learning issues? I’d have thought this would be obvious to him.

LBFseBrom · 04/01/2025 09:14

It often happens, people want to offload and on here, we are anonymous as long as we don't say anything identifying.

Better to do it somewhere like this than with people who know us.

If it helps someone to get things in perspective, and move on, it's a good outlet.

thecrispfiend · 04/01/2025 09:14

Having read your update OP he sounds entitled and selfish. I would avoid an argument hire professionals and say you would prefer him to be there as a guest and enjoy it but long term I'd be scaling back what you do for him and telling him it's hurtful to not receive a birthday or Christmas present

Onelifeonly · 04/01/2025 09:16

At first I thought you were definitely being unreasonable. You expected him to play at your party, rather than him offering, and you need to pay his band mates as they're not family, so why would you leave him out? Also, as a parent, if my child was in a band, I'd be more than happy to offer them a paid gig and give them a chance to pursue what might become a career for them. If they preferred to just attend the party, that would be fine.

But reading on I realise this isn't your real issue. He doesn't give presents and he doesn't see that reciprocation is important, especially since he is now an adult. Somewhere only the line, something has gone wrong - who is to blame for that, I don't know. But you resent it, you an extent anyway. That's reasonable, I would too.

My dc are all adult now - they do get us presents but I admit as parents we make sure it happens - the other parent checks that each child has got something. Not in a you must do this way, but in a do you have any ideas way.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/01/2025 09:17

If people didn't start threads moaning about family members, including their own kids, Mumsnet would probably shut down for lack of traffic.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/01/2025 09:18

I think it depends on the family. In my family, we wouldn't dream of charging our parents, but in my husbands family, they do.

There is not right or wrong.

KnifeForkAndSpoon2 · 04/01/2025 09:19

You can’t pay his band mates but not him. If he’d offered his services for free then fair enough but he hasn’t so you either pay or he doesn’t perform 🤷‍♀️

TopshopCropTop · 04/01/2025 09:19

He’s either there to work or he’s there as a guest. If he’s there to work why wouldn’t you pay him?

Eldermillenialyogi · 04/01/2025 09:22

I'm not sure. My first thought was they should play for free (the whole band) as presumably it's a rare request and there may be times that they do it for other band members but I can see that playing for a whole evening may be a lot. Somehow paying the other band members and not him seems more odd. How much are you really saving?

I think they could offer a discount but I can see why you'd think you wouldn't have to pay. I'm sure you do things for him when he comes home that you don't charge for.

Likewhatever · 04/01/2025 09:25

My DC didn’t buy us presents at that age, now they do and very thoughtful ones. He’s at a selfish age OP, try not to feel too hurt.

I doubt he will be interested in attending your party either other than as a paid performer. Sorry, but I think you should brace yourself for him accepting other work if you don’t pay him to be there.

malificent7 · 04/01/2025 09:25

If you are paying the other band members you psy him too. Why is this such an issue? He's a student and probably needs the cash.

Jifmicroliquid · 04/01/2025 09:27

You don’t charge your parents. Dreadful behaviour from him. He should want to do this favour for his mum and dad.

ChannelFiveDrama · 04/01/2025 09:27

Would anyone on here honestly have charged their own parents for this one-off birthday favour? I know I certainly wouldn't have.

It's just a nice gesture isn't it? Making the day more special for lovely parents as opposed to business like every other gig.

It's an absolute nonsense OP. I'd hire someone else.

starlight889 · 04/01/2025 09:28

Can you just offer them a set fee as a band (maybe what you were planning to pay in total for the other members) and then they can decide how to split it between them?

IdylicDay · 04/01/2025 09:28

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 08:30

Re gifts: Yes, when the children were young we would help pick out (and pay for) a present for the other parent, but as they entered teens and had their own money (allowance from us) we stepped back from this hoping generosity was instilled, which it is - as I said he buys gifts for his friends.
I sort of feel like he still sees us as the "providers", and he as our "dependent" and he hasn't caught up with how the relationship has evolved as he's grown.
I have hesitated to have the conversation re gifts as it rather defeats the point to ask for a gift but maybe I could get an auntie or friend to mention it and see if the penny drops.
That's separate from the party/band/payment question of course, although springing from the same attitude I think.

Show quote history

I bought birthday/Christmas presents for my mum and dad from my pocket money as a child, so I don't think this excuses it. I think you simply need to bite the bullet and be truly honest and send a long text message to him. Tell him you are disappointed he has never gotten you so much as a Birthday or Christmas present to you his own parents, you thought him playing could be his 'gift' to you. But 'if that's the way you want it, we will hire someone else, and perhaps its best if you don't attend the party. Your father and I feel very hurt and disappointed in your behaviour, we didn't think you'd turn out like this.'