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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS wants to charge

559 replies

CompleteOvaryAction · 04/01/2025 00:29

DH and I are planning a big birthday party in the near future - live music , catering, marquis etc, for a joint "big 0" birthday.
Our DS will be in his third year as a music student and we mentioned we'd like his band to play for some of the evening. He wants us to pay him going rate for his services.
I feel that, for close family you waive your professional fee (we'd expect to pay his band mates) but he's adamant he wants paying too.
It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him. Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time for our special celebration.
Is this just his inexperience talking? should we stand our ground, or does he have a point?
I'd rather not have him play, and just have him there as a guest if he insists on charging to play. What do you think?

OP posts:
Octember · 04/01/2025 08:35

Getting someone to have a word about a gift is a great idea! Maybe a suggestion of a joint present from all your dc that they contribute to? Offer to pay him as it's work and hopefully the penny might drop when he's faced with putting his hand in his wallet!

Pineapplewaves · 04/01/2025 08:37

You can't pay the rest of the band and not your son. If he plays at your party he's working and isn't mingling and enjoying the party as a guest. If you are paying the other band members it can't be much more to pay for your son. It will cost you more to hire a professional band. Don’t be so mean and pay your son for giving up his whatever night it is.

CautiousLurker01 · 04/01/2025 08:39

Actually I think you’re bing unreasonable not to see it from his perspective. In some respects you are being very hurtful to him?

He may be related, but his band members aren’t, though? What if the band gets a paying gig offer on the same night? Should they forgo their income because it’s your night and he can’t play with them? Do they incur costs (accommodation/travel) in order to be there? Does he, if he’s home from uni and transporting gear for the event? If he attends the party as your guest, he can drink/party/chill with family - if he has a gig he can’t can he? He’ll have to stay sober, have his evening interrupted for set up and sound checks etc. It’s not the same as coming as a guest - from his perspective he may feel deeply hurt that he can’t just come as your guess/son and that you are expecting him to give up his evening to ‘work’… for no fee.

To be honest you have to decide - is he coming as a guest (in which case hire a band/DJ) or is he coming as the hired help (in which case pay him).

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 04/01/2025 08:41

It’s easy to be wise after the event, but it would have been good if you’d addressed this the very first Christmas he gave gifts to everyone except you. Oi, DS, what about us?? We don’t want you spending much on us but a bar of chocolate or a new pen would mean a lot .
Unfortunately now this dynamic is established it will be hard to change. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but might mean he notices you want more from him and feels edgy.

CautiousLurker01 · 04/01/2025 08:43

Roundthetwisties · 04/01/2025 00:42

It feels like he doesn't appreciate that he's only where he is now because we have funded him.
There’s something off about this statement - it has been your choice to fund him, for most parents of means it is almost an expectation/part of parenting that you would fund him, it downplays any of his own efforts, work, achievements and solely gives credit to you.

Whilst we don't expect "payback" it would be nice if he thought to acknowledge our help with a gesture of his time.
You clearly expect payback - perhaps it’s unconsciously thought, but you do have expectations.

As an aside, have you even asked him if he’d rather be a guest at the party or did you assume he’d be happy to work at the party? Because it is work. Too often people in creative fields are expected to perform/create for free as it is not respected in the same way other professions are. If he is going to make a career out of this then he needs to charge for his services and should start as he means to go on.

Pay him. It is not fair to suddenly start calling in markers that he didn’t know existed eg. We paid for x therefore you owe us y.

This reply says what I tried to say, but better. I think you’re being (very) unreasonable. You are emotionally blackmailing your son to perform for no fee at a party where he won’t actually be a proper guest, aren’t you?

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 04/01/2025 08:44

Intensiv14 · 04/01/2025 00:31

It would be nice of him to do it as a favour, if he’s only there because you’ve funded him, but is he a) skint and b) going to miss a paid gig for playing at yours?

Wouldn’t he be missing any work opportunities anyway though to be at his parents’ party?

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 04/01/2025 08:45

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 04/01/2025 00:32

Ah, sorry on a reread I see you are planning to pay his band. It’s still a weird dynamic if he’s there for free but his teammates are being paid.

yep. If it was just him? You would not be unreasonable.

But this is he and his band. Sounds as if they’re starting out as professionals, have gone through quite a bit of training, education etc. and are hoping to make a career out of this. His bandmates will therefore expect to be paid. And paying his bandmates but not him would be a bit awkward.

It's also possibly pertinent to how I feel, that he's never bought either me or his Dad a birthday or Christmas present, or ever spent any money on us at all (he's generous with his friends and sister though, which is good to see).

does he show his love and appreciation in other ways?

I sort of feel like he still sees us as the "providers", and he as our "dependent" and he hasn't caught up with how the relationship has evolved as he's grown.

now is probably the time to talk about this.

But I would not make it about gifts or birthday gigs. I would marking about evolving relationships, mutual appreciation and you not being a „cash cow“.

AndromacheAstyanax · 04/01/2025 08:45

I think you both have a case.

DS would ideally not charge you. It would be good if he waived his fee as a birthday gift to you (perhaps the first of many!), or as a thank you for all your support for him, or simply because you are family.

On the other hand, it could be a good gesture for you to pay him. As he is still a student and presumably just starting out as a gigging professional, I’d guess he is unlikely to have much spare money. If you are already supporting him financially, then paying him to play for your party could be part of this support, and you are helping him on his way in a profession which isn’t an easy one.

I’d say that in an ideal world you would offer to pay all the band’s usual charges, including paying your DS. And he in turn ideally should refuse to take his part of the fee, and then in good spirits you meet in the middle with a happy compromise.

If he does take a fee, he should certainly give a present.

Maybe in ten years’ time he can afford to gift the entire band fee for your next milestone birthday.

Hope it’s a great party!

TimeForATerf · 04/01/2025 08:46

I think he’s a CF tbh. I’m pretty sure if it were my son, and he’s no Mr Perfect, he wouldn’t dream is asking for payment, expenses possibly but not for playing. I’ve always had a present even when he was a student and working at Tesco.

presumably your DS does a few gigs and has cash from them as well as his student finance. Sounds extremely selfish to me.

use someone else.

TwirlyPineapple · 04/01/2025 08:47

My sister in law is in a band that does functions. It wouldn't even occur to me to ask her to work at a family event I was hosting. Maybe he's upset that you're expecting him to not only work rather than enjoy the party as a guest, but then don't even want to pay him for it.

Arewethebadguys · 04/01/2025 08:48

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 04/01/2025 00:30

If it was just him you might have a good point. How well do you know his band members? Should they also give up an evening to do their job for free?

Read the OP!!!

SwankyPants · 04/01/2025 08:49

You either pay everyone or not pay everyone.

AllAboardTheTrain · 04/01/2025 08:49

This reply has been deleted

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LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 04/01/2025 08:50

I wouldn't like this but if the band mates are travelling a distance etc I'd pay him as long as it was a reasonable / uninflated rate.

The band mates would not be hosted in my home though.
And I'd never invite or ask him to play at any events in the future.

The bit that would cut is not even that he wants money but the fact it was the first thing out of his mouth ☹️

Barrenfieldoffucks · 04/01/2025 08:52

I would expect to pay him for this, as a band, as a mark of respect to them as professionals.

But aside from that, his general lack of generosity in terms of even a token gift should be addressed.

"Now you're an adult, gifts are reciprocal. If you don't want to exchange gifts that's fine, we will cut back too. "

EdithBond · 04/01/2025 08:52

YANBU.

Your DS is being a CF and chancing his arm (fair play) and you should refuse to pay him.

You’ve offered to pay the other band members, so don’t expect them to play for free. Though, if I were them, I wouldn’t take your money: a few free beers and some grub would be enough for me if it’s a one-off for a bandmate’s family do.

Unless the band is filling venues, I’d have thought they’d leap at the chance to have any opportunity to play and get exposure. I imagine it’s unlikely you’d be asking them to play if your son wasn’t in the band and they were some random, unknown band.

OurDreamLife · 04/01/2025 08:53

Book someone else.

OurDreamLife · 04/01/2025 08:56

How many paid gigs do they actually do? I can’t imagine they are in huge demand as students.

He sounds arrogant.

DowntonShabbie · 04/01/2025 08:57

MartinCrieffsLemon · 04/01/2025 00:44

If he wad a brickie or a sparky or similar would you expect him to do work for you for free?

Yes. Do you think electricians bill their own mother full price for a small job? None that I've ever met. Wouldn't dream of it.

I'm from a family of musicians (professional and amateur) and no one we know would charge their parents for playing a party. Certainly not full price! Unheard of.

Alondra · 04/01/2025 08:57

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 04/01/2025 08:44

Wouldn’t he be missing any work opportunities anyway though to be at his parents’ party?

Show quote history

Surely if he was missing a paid gig on the same date, he would have a conversation with his parents? It's what adults do.

I often wonder reading posts on MN if the majority of British people have lost all common sense until I remember that it's a public forum and reality has nothing to do what we read here.

Tia86 · 04/01/2025 08:58

Surely payment goes to the group as a whole? I am sure for other bookings they don't each charge an individual fee, so to specifically say you aren't going to pay him also sounds weird.

Yes it might be nice of him to have offered for the band as a whole to pay for free, but then his band mates might also really need the money.

Is a big family party that important to him? As you say it would be hurtful if he doesn't attend, which actually he might not do it the band got paid work elsewhere which might be more of a priority for him.

BarbedButterfly · 04/01/2025 08:58

I think you are totally unreasonable. You paid for him to go to uni etc - of course you did, that is what you are meant to do and he doesn't owe you anything. You chose to have a child.

Also, it would involve rehearsals etc beyond the night itself. It is a lot of pressure and work. Now I think paying him less than usual market rate is fair, but you should be paying for his band mates time and travel as you normally would. He also isn't going to enjoy the party if he is working.

Honestly though, I just don't like your tone in general. The implication we should all offer services for free for families and that he owes you. He isn't an investment, he is your son.

CautiousLurker01 · 04/01/2025 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I did read the post, thank you, and fully appreciated that she was willing to pay a reduced fee to the other band members - I was detailing the logic of why, therefore, her son was entitled to be paid.

… so fck off with the insults. Fed up with Wnkers who feel that rather than politely pointing out what they feel is a difference of understanding resort to personal insults.

fanaticalfairy · 04/01/2025 09:00

I'd just hire a different band tbh.

Let him just be the guest. And his band mates can stay home and not get paid.

Harrysutton · 04/01/2025 09:00

Are you supporting him through school? I'd have a hard January where you can't afford to help him.