To ask if you know anyone personally who got pregnant by lying about contraception?

[Pavemw]

Just that, really. I have an extremely close friend who confided in me at new year that her 11 year old dd wasn’t actually an accident. I have known her half my life and our kids are friends. She was with this man for a short time and the relationship did not last the pregnancy although he does see his dd and has been pretty good to my friend financially.

I can’t get my head around it. This is someone who I go to for advice. She’s always empathetic and kind. I can’t even believe she would have done it and I don’t know why it’s bothering me as much as it is. I don’t know her ex, haven’t seen him in many years. I almost feel she’s lied to me too, which I know is silly. She said she was late 30s, had been told her fertility wasn’t great and had had enough of being messed around by men, so when this next one seemed keen to commit she just went for it. I know she has been treated badly in the past and has always put her heart out there only to be messed about or strung along so I can almost feel how frustrated she would have been but… to do this? I can’t imagine it as I had my two in a happy marriage. Maybe I being horribly judgmental. I can’t reconcile this with who I thought she was all these years. Am I being dramatic?!

Why assume they’ve sabotaged their contraceptives?

Pretty much everyone who had an "accident".

I’ve noticed a few of these stories are from many decades ago. I’d just like to point out the contraceptive pill has become more effective over the years as the composition has evolved as health innovation evolves. Would also like to point out that it’s always been recommended that the pill is double up with other contraceptives.

A friend told me, she wanted a third child and her DH didn’t. She came off the pill and deliberately didn’t remind her DH to use a condom for sex. She got pregnant and had her third child. Her husband left her!

Why did he need reminding to use a condom? Is he a simpleton?

I can only assume in the heat of the moment, he forgot sometimes!

But the women in these situations aren't 'expected' to sort out the contraception. They have gone out of their way to deliberately mislead their partner into thinking they have contraception covered. Would the men be equally 'dumb' if she poked holes in the condom that he insisted on using? I assume men are expected to preempt that as well?

But the men being discussed in this thread don't 'actively choose not to wear a condom'. They've agreed with their partners upon a method of contraception and then their partners have unilaterally decided to cease that contraception in order to have a child that the men haven't consented to.

What part of this are you struggling to understand?

I'd imagine the shock is mostly to do with the fact he was lied to and assured there was a less than 1% chance of her falling pregnant. But again, you seem to be glossing over that fact.

Well, if they think they’re not trying to create a baby, they probably think it’s for fun.

And that’s his wife’s fault how exactly?

How does the man do this?

I’m not saying men should pre empt anything. Just sort extra contraception out. It’s not hard. And it’s odd people are defending men’s right to be useless around contraception.

The part where they are so very adamant a baby will be a “life ruiner” so despite having the option to take extra precautions, they don’t.

Dont take fewer precautions on a risk then moan when the worst happens.

Oral contraceptives are around 93%. Using a condom gets is as close to 100% as humanly possible. So why wouldn’t you?

Well then they’re fucking stupid if they think they can somehow programme sex to it be about baby making, especially when they choose not to use contraception or have a vasectomy

When taken correctly, the pill is over 99% effective.

When a woman has purposely lied about taking it, it's 0%.

When a man refuses to wear a condom, he’s missing out on an extra 96%

Erm. Sex isn’t always about baby making.

I thought we all knew that by now.

Again you try to turn it around.

The men haven't 'refused' to wear a condom'. They've agreed on a method of contraception and accepted the risks based upon that method. The woman has 'stealthed' them into an unwanted pregnancy.

(I've deliberately used that term in an attempt to make you understand this topic. Although, I think that's probably a futile effort.)

JFC

Really

The intention of the individual may be for ‘fun’ but that’s irrelevant really - biology wins over the wishes of individuals and baby making is a risk that is run every time. An even bigger risk if condoms aren’t used

I can’t believe I have to explain this to grown adults. Rather worrying really that these people who don’t know how sex works walk among us

They’ve agreed the risk based on that method - exactly. Not the reduced risk they’re open to takings here accepting a (reduced) risk. So why cry about it when it happens?

If I was late 30's - told my fertility was pants and had no man!
I'd do the same

Again, they're not being 'useless' are they? They've been deliberately misled (often by someone they love) into thinking the risk of pregnancy is much, much lower than it actually is, and that they dont need to use condoms as a result. People are defending men's rights to be fully aware of all of the facts before taking the risk of sex with a) a very high level of pregnancy or b) a very low chance of protection.

Why not get an actual legitimate sperm donor?