To ask if you know anyone personally who got pregnant by lying about contraception?

[Pavemw]

Just that, really. I have an extremely close friend who confided in me at new year that her 11 year old dd wasn’t actually an accident. I have known her half my life and our kids are friends. She was with this man for a short time and the relationship did not last the pregnancy although he does see his dd and has been pretty good to my friend financially.

I can’t get my head around it. This is someone who I go to for advice. She’s always empathetic and kind. I can’t even believe she would have done it and I don’t know why it’s bothering me as much as it is. I don’t know her ex, haven’t seen him in many years. I almost feel she’s lied to me too, which I know is silly. She said she was late 30s, had been told her fertility wasn’t great and had had enough of being messed around by men, so when this next one seemed keen to commit she just went for it. I know she has been treated badly in the past and has always put her heart out there only to be messed about or strung along so I can almost feel how frustrated she would have been but… to do this? I can’t imagine it as I had my two in a happy marriage. Maybe I being horribly judgmental. I can’t reconcile this with who I thought she was all these years. Am I being dramatic?!

Well you have lots of women on this thread to thank for this assumption because they've either admitted to doing just that or see no problem with others doing it. Hurts all of us women, as well as the men, and probably the kids too, but they don't care.

My SIL did to my brother…..
He did what he thought was the right thing and stayed with her…. What a mistake he made. My nephew is wonderful but all I can say shame about the mother!

Yeah, I think there is an absolute moral obligation to a child that is yours. Whether you wanted it or not is immaterial. Anyone who is that determined not to have a child needs to be celibate.

Yes I agree, time to get rid, but he's stringing her along. Lots of men seem to do this so women are often stuck without being able to have kids.

The fact that within a marriage couple should't expect to trust that the other person is being straight with them about contraception is bizarre.

This is a person who you trust with access to your accounts, end of life medical decisions, to care for you if you're sick.

It's a very strange idea of marriage.

Deliberately lying about contraception to get money / 'trap' a partner is wrong, I'll admit. But I just can't bring myself to agree that the implications for men and women are the same. If one person lies about contraception then the deceit is the same but the consequences are very different.

exactly this. There is no equivalence

She dishonestly tricked someone into becoming a father, who she had subsequently taken a lot of money from. It would colour my opinion of her. Something doesn't have to affect you personally for you to take a view. We all make judgements all of the time.

I was accused of being one of these women. I took my pill religiously. I had a nipple erection which lasted 3 days, so took a pregnancy test which confirmed things.

I decided that in order for me to be actively trying to not me pregnant, yet to be pregnant, maybe it was meant to be. I told Baby's dad this (we was actually three years into a long distance relationship) and he said it all seemed too convenient. I told him that he was welcome to not be involved as we had not been actively trying and I respected that he may not wish to be a dad. His mum rang me echoing his sentiments.

A dear friend of mine who had two daughters only 20 months apart deliberately didn't take her pill four years later because she felt she'd missed out on one-to-one time with them and wanted another try. She had twin boys. Her DH commented to my DH when they were very young that they had 'ruined his life', but thirty-odd years later feels very differently about things. It never occurred to me to pass any kind of personal judgement on her action. As it happened I became (accidentally!) pregnant for a third time with my third, so her twins and my DS2 are close in age. They're all now 38.

For the millionth time, it’s not about trust, it’s about taking as many precautions as possible. Rather them leaving it up to someone else. Why wouldn’t you if you’re so against having kids?

Or are people misinformed about contraceptives? Do they think using one is just as, or more, effective than using 2?

He’s probably told a friend or relative and you’re probably one of the ones samples on these threads.

If a man told me “I think my wife tricked me into pregnancy we didn’t use condoms” odd think he was such a pathetic loser for not taking proper precautions and being so awful about the woman he loves as opposed to realising this is him being irresponsible

I've been on the same, combined pill for decades now. because my blood pressure was raised, they switched me to progesterone only.
I've only just come out of the month and a half bleed that change triggered, and I'll be honest, I'm extremely anxious about relying on a new one, rather than one that has never ever let me down.
so I got them to refer me for a tubal. I've had a letter that I'm on the waiting list.
my mum had an "I thought it was the menopause" pregnancy. I do NOT want to chance that.

Every time I hear the phrase "suprise third baby" I automatically think, "a suprise for your husband maybe."

This is such a weird post. Why do you care? I think you need to look at why it’s bothering you so much. You sound horribly judgemental and overly invested in this “friend’s” life.

It's an explanation not a defence but we're all told how hard it is to get pregnant so maybe men just think it won't happen..

He sounds like a dick. You dodged a bullet with him and his Mum.

Almost always a witness to a rape? No way.

I think that poster meant the victims are witnesses

i wonder what the world would be like if people thought more about their child having a father who wants the child rather than just about a woman who wants a baby..

yep. and stealthing is a form of rape.
if someone agrees to sex under certain conditions (eg. condom. contraceptive meds etc) and those conditions aren't met, then consent HASN'T been given, and the liar is a rapist.

@TempestTost after having DD , I said never again and went straight onto long term contraception. In fact I was so adamant, I doubled up and insisted on condoms too. I still tested every month or so just in case (PCOS).

I definitely did not want another baby and took extra steps to ensure that didn't happen. Funny how men can't possibly do that.

This made me "lol" because I've always wondered what it means when people say they've had an accident. Eg if they usually use condoms, then do they mean that they got caught up in the moment and didn't use it this time? That's not really an accident is it, it's more stupidity if you definitely don't want to get pregnant. An accident would be if the condom malfunctioned.

When I've used contraception, I've used it because I 100% want it to be effective and I adhere to the rules religiously. If any doubt I've got the morning after pill.

I know nothing is 100% but you hear of "accidents" far far more than there statistically should be.

Of course you get people who are forgetful etc.

I think that's not far off what happened with my mum having me. she's TINY. tall but very thin. and I was a very small baby. her cycles were normal.
and then I was premature. she said she only really had a few months to get used to the idea she was having a baby.

I doubt it but if they did it is a ridiculous thing to say.