To ask if you know anyone personally who got pregnant by lying about contraception?

[Pavemw]

Just that, really. I have an extremely close friend who confided in me at new year that her 11 year old dd wasn’t actually an accident. I have known her half my life and our kids are friends. She was with this man for a short time and the relationship did not last the pregnancy although he does see his dd and has been pretty good to my friend financially.

I can’t get my head around it. This is someone who I go to for advice. She’s always empathetic and kind. I can’t even believe she would have done it and I don’t know why it’s bothering me as much as it is. I don’t know her ex, haven’t seen him in many years. I almost feel she’s lied to me too, which I know is silly. She said she was late 30s, had been told her fertility wasn’t great and had had enough of being messed around by men, so when this next one seemed keen to commit she just went for it. I know she has been treated badly in the past and has always put her heart out there only to be messed about or strung along so I can almost feel how frustrated she would have been but… to do this? I can’t imagine it as I had my two in a happy marriage. Maybe I being horribly judgmental. I can’t reconcile this with who I thought she was all these years. Am I being dramatic?!

I’m pretty sure a family member has done this. She has had 5 pregnancies (1 ended with a miscarriage and 1 with an abortion) and every single one was a contraceptive failure with her IUD.

1st pregnancy when she was a little over 16 she had a abortion after her mother basically forced her and boyfriend walked away.

Second and Third pregnancy resulted in 2 children both due to IUD. I suggested in front of her current partner that maybe she should try another contraceptive if she wasn’t planning on another pregnancy. She was raging, told me it was none of my business. Her partner at the time then insists on using condoms.

She leaves him and is pregnant again due to another IUD failure within the year with new boyfriend this pregnancy ends in miscarriage. Boyfriend is relieved as he already has 3 kids and didn’t want any more …. She was pregnant again 3 months later resulting in Child number 3.

Yes. My SIL. Openly admitted to us that she stopped taking the pill without BIL knowing as he'd have never have been 'ready'. He wasn't overly angry as by then baby was here but he did make sure that she understood he did not under any circumstances want any more kids and so far 8 years down the line no more have appeared!

The quota is the reason for that and many other reasons. Most have evidence. Most evidence is ignored purposely.

JHound
Laughing at someone murdering someone and rapists walking free is sick as hell.

That was nonsense.

Please stop.

That did not happen - which is why I was laughing.

I was using the Dutch Cap when I fell pregnant, I was surprised but ultimately felt over the moon and so fortunate.

Nope it isn't I work with rape victims and the quota has been well documented. There has been a court case about it. Documented by the Law Gazette, Chakrabarti was talking about it on Newsnight. The CPS admitted it.

https://www.endviolenceagainstwomen.org.uk/our-judicial-review-evidence-against-cps-handed-over-to-government-2/

Look up Jane Clough. So yes it did happen. You have just been laughing at someone murdered.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2011/oct/13/jane-clough-change-in-bail-law

Please stop mocking rape victims who have missed out on justice because of a crooked system. Also stop laughing at murder victims. Sick and twisted individual.

I would assume he’s not saying no, he’s saying it’s not the right time because he’s settled. He wants her to keep thinking there’s a chance to shut her up and keep her waiting.

He sounds very selfish and you seem very clueless naive.

If he does not feel it is the right time to have children how is voicing that selfish?

If your friend did not feel ready for children but he did would you tell your friend she is being “selfish”?

I am not saying your friend is right to stick around - I think she should sack him off or set a clear timeframe. But not being ready for a second kid is not selfish.

None of that supports your earlier make believe comments.

Same here 🙋

You clearly haven't read it! Not my fault you don't want to research before opening your mouth!

I know someone who tricked her husband into having a third child by flushing her pill down the toilet - she had twins though and couldn't cope so a bad decision all round.

I think men don't take responsibility for their own reproduction as condoms aren't fun and they can walk away a lot easier than a woman can. If he doesn't want a child he can literally disappear and it's luck if they are made to pay. If a woman doesn't want a baby she has to go through a termination or give the baby to be adopted.

Lying to your partner about contraception is utterly indefensible. Always, no matter what. I just cannot understand why anyone justifies it under any circumstances. Both partners consent to sex on the basis of known facts, one of those is contraception- whether that is choosing to use nothing, a single form of contraception or doubling up.

Yes, if you have sex you have to accept that even if contraception is used there is a possibility of pregnancy. However, the risk of pregnancy is significantly lower if one or more forms of contraceptive is used and as a result someone might be happy to consent on the basis of barrier or hormonal contraceptive but not if nothing is used. I’m one of those people- I would not have totally unprotected intercourse at times I did want to conceive, but I did/do consent to sex using an agreed form of contraception. I would accept that pregnancy is still a slight possibility in those circumstances, but the risk is low enough that I’m ok with that. I have made an informed choice about my body and the risks involved in having sex. Lying about using contraception makes a mockery of consent. Can’t be both ways, either informed consent is essential for both parties, or it isn’t.

Both partners have a right to assume that their partner (especially in a long term relationship) is being truthful. It’s on that basis constant is given. I view it as a form of sexual assault to lie to your partner about contraception/ having had a vasectomy/being infertile or whatever (genuine error is a different things, as are genuine failure of contraceptive used). Consent if based on it- lying changes everything when it comes to consent. How many women would shrug their shoulder and say “well you should be prepared to get pregnant every time you have sex” if the woman’s partner lied to them about having had a vasectomy or had deliberately damaged the condom beforehand/removed it during sex without asking etc? Not many, I’d wager. Telling your partner you are on the pill/depo injection/have an implant or iud when you don’t, with the express intention of getting pregnant either against their expressed wishes or without asking, is a despicable thing to do (regardless of whether it results in a pregnancy or not). Nobody should excuse it.

Contraceptives are pretty effective- the combined hormonal contraceptive pill, for example, if used correctly is highly effective- not 100%, but if taken absolutely correctly/ not using medication which interacts/ do not have another medical condition which impacts effectiveness etc it is over 99% effective. “Real world” data suggests something more in the region of 92% effectiveness because of “imperfect” use (missing pills, for example). Long-acting reversible contraceptives have much better “real life” effectiveness (e.g. implant has greater than 99% effectiveness because there is less chance of imperfect use). I’d say it is not entirely unreasonable to chose to not use barrier contraception on the basis your partner is using another effective form of contraception. If that genuinely failed, then yes, you’d have to accept that both partners carry responsibility for the outcome. Lying to your partner and using nothing is a whole different thing.

I know a woman who had many one night stands because she wanted a baby. Told every bloke she was on the pill. I think there were 5 DNA tests before she found the father.
My friend was seeing a man who already had 2 kids and said he didn't want any more. I had a baby and she took one look at her and "I want a baby" and threw her pills away. She was quite surprised when her boyfriend up and left as soon as she told him she was pregnant. He paid her a small amount of money each month but never had anything to do with the child.

How come all these men who absolutely don’t want babies ever and apparently make that clear, aren’t getting vasectomies??

Contraceptives are pretty effective

Indeed they are so it puzzles me why men who don’t want babies don’t use contraceptives at every opportunity

My neighbour got pregnant with her second child by tricking her husband as he wanted to leave her. They are still together, he resents her, awful toxic relationship

Maybe it's true and he was so furious and messed up he wanted to get his own back.

Deliberately lying about contraception to get money / 'trap' a partner is wrong, I'll admit. But I just can't bring myself to agree that the implications for men and women are the same. If one person lies about contraception then the deceit is the same but the consequences are very different.

If a woman lies about contraception then her responsibilities are very clear. Less so with men. They may have a financial obligation, and may even step up and do their fair share. But they don't have to carry the child or birth it. And I can't even begin to guess at the infinitesimal statistic of those men who take the responsibility of raising that child as a primary, often single, parent.

NOYB