To ask if you know anyone personally who got pregnant by lying about contraception?

[Pavemw]

Just that, really. I have an extremely close friend who confided in me at new year that her 11 year old dd wasn’t actually an accident. I have known her half my life and our kids are friends. She was with this man for a short time and the relationship did not last the pregnancy although he does see his dd and has been pretty good to my friend financially.

I can’t get my head around it. This is someone who I go to for advice. She’s always empathetic and kind. I can’t even believe she would have done it and I don’t know why it’s bothering me as much as it is. I don’t know her ex, haven’t seen him in many years. I almost feel she’s lied to me too, which I know is silly. She said she was late 30s, had been told her fertility wasn’t great and had had enough of being messed around by men, so when this next one seemed keen to commit she just went for it. I know she has been treated badly in the past and has always put her heart out there only to be messed about or strung along so I can almost feel how frustrated she would have been but… to do this? I can’t imagine it as I had my two in a happy marriage. Maybe I being horribly judgmental. I can’t reconcile this with who I thought she was all these years. Am I being dramatic?!

I think a lot of people think theft of consent is different when a woman does it compared to a man and it’s really weird to see. I cannot fathom why people think uninformed sexual consent is ever ok.

Because she is lying about the parameters within which sex has been agreed to. Lying with regards to sex is always wrong. Lying about the parameters of consent is even worse.

You say it in your post “ I did it….without his consent”.

I don’t know how anybody types thay they did something without sombdy’s consent and is fine with it.

My grandson is a result of this. My son was 17. Baby's mother was 19 and desperate to be a mum, told my son she was on the pill. They broke up. We found out she was pregnant at 34 weeks

Go back and read the string of comments and you will have an answer to your question.

I know a few women who wanted a third child and told their dh they weren’t on the pill anymore, if he doesn’t want another he has to get the snip. There was a third and in one case a fourth as well.
All the men carried on about having the choice taken away, but wouldn’t do anything to stop the pregnancy happening.

I sometimes fantasise about having my coil removed and telling my husband it fell out, but I would never actually do it. He really doesn't want any more.

He wasn’t really a dad though. Just a sperm donor.

Becoming a parent against your will is a form of harm.

Men like that are pathetic!

Having come back to this thread and read 'well he should have worn a condom' repeatedly like that absolves theft of consent, one of the two Women I knew who talked about this was planning to stick holes in the condoms, does that make her worse than someone who lies about being on the pill, or the exact same type of devious bitch? End result is the same after all.

I know a woman who did...they were already married and talking about having kids but he said himself he never would have taken the plunge if she hadn't...each to their own

Yeah, I know of a few, gf of an old roommate of mine was one. In the other case I didn't know the woman, the man involved was my uncle and it happened before I was born. He found out quite a few years later she had purposefully become pregnant and never told him, she didn't want a father in the mix.

This is an unbelievable comment to me.

You are saying that when a couple mutually decides together what types of contraception to use, if the woman deliberately lies and deceives him in order to get pregnant, it's somehow the man's fault?

So if the couple agree to condoms, and the man puts a hole in it on the sly to get her pregnant, she is at fault for not also using other contraception?

Or is it only men who get to be responsible for the deceptions of women?

Yes, but little heads don't have brains! 🤭

I'm actually disgusted at the amount of people who think it's OK for women to do this! Jesus christ. This thread is mumsnet at it's absolute worst.... vile!

I don't know of anyone who has admitted to doing this. I strongly suspect people say behind my back that I "trapped" my other half as I got pregnant during a widely known rocky time our relationship, but it was a complete accident. I'm not a vile liar who would deliberately manipulate a part of conseual sex!

I know more men who have actually done this and who casually joke about it than woman. In fact I've never heard any woman (in person) mention doing this...

I have friends who have had men purposely not pull-out and who have removed the condom or ripped it. One woman had her birth control thrown away.

I'm sure some woman have done it, but it is a lifetime commitment to a baby with no guarantee of a father, not to mention birth injuries etc.
Most woman wouldn't take that lightly, whereas men can wash their hands of responsibility.

Either way, anyone purposely tricking someone is terrible, regardless of if they are men or women.

I do, actually.

Surprise, surprise, the guy still didn’t stick around.

Does it physically harm your body? Does it cause irreversible changes to your body? Does it put you at risk of death? Nope.

If you use a condom then you protect against that happening. So if you do not want to become a parent then use a condom otherwise how can it be against your will if you put your penis inside someone and jizzed in them knowing full well what can happen if you do that.

In almost all cases this will prevent it and if an accident happens then both are harmed as they both took responsibility so who is to blame then for the harm?

There is no becoming a parent against your will if you do not take precautions. Then it was your will.

I am sure it is from both sexes but I agree I have seen most from men who then walk away. Data shows that 10% of women have been stealthed which is a huge amount and 50% of women have been coerced when it comes to contraception such as withholding the pill when she gets the packet or forcing sex without protection.

I know someone who was planning to leave her husband and encouraged him to get the snip prior to telling him as she didn’t ever want him to be able to have children with anyone else. Soon as the snip was done she left him. I’m not sure he would have wanted other kids anyway but still deceptive!

A lot of men don't use condoms
and just assume a woman is using the pill or other contraception.

I bet these men think they've been ' lied to' should a pregnancy occur.

How long did it take for it to be recognised in law as assault? If it wasn't so hard to prove, I think fraudulent pregnancies should/would also be prosecuted.

I think deliberately deceiving a partner regarding the status of contraception is a form of assault. It's also a form of fraud, given the financial implications.

Putting holes in condoms, lying about fertility issues or lying about the pill/coil/implants/etc is definitely immoral - as is stealthing and lying about vasectomies.

When I was 19 I was working in an office (temp) with a load of women in their early 30s. They were all chatting over lunch one day, one of them had just celebrated her 30th birthday. She said "now I'm 30 I'm off the pill I'm so excited" another women said "oh how exciting, how's mark feeling is excited as well". She replied "oh I haven't told him, will tell him once I have news"

I was genuinely shocked. Not one of the women in the room
Found it odd