Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

[Wishiwasjapanese]

Just that really. When your husbands have cheated and left you for the OW has it ever worked out?

It often works out well for these couples, despite what your well-meaning friends will tell you.

If you truly believe what goes around comes back around then surely you must believe that the people on this who got cheated on deserved it...

I’ve know three affairs that have turned into long term marriages and about ten that have fizzled out.

That's so nice to hear. Being a step parent is a minefield. It's lovely when it works out.

My mum cheated on my dad with a married man over 40 years ago. Two families were torn apart. She is still married to her affair partner, and is absolutely miserable. He has a horrid temper, struggles to earn money, and still has to work, despite being well past retirement age. It’s painfully obvious at weddings and graduations how much more well off my dad and his new wife are, and that probably stings a bit. Maybe she has stayed to justify blowing up two families and her husband’s children all going NC with them. Maybe it’s because she’s too old to get out on the scene and meet a new man. Who knows.

I have a friend who was the OW. The affair was around 10 years ago and they’re now married with 2 young children. It’s not a perfect marriage but they seem mostly happy.

There are serial cheaters and there are people who fall in love.
Affairs aren't always black and white.

I would like to think that when an ex of mine was cheating he would burn in hell with the affair partner.

No. They said that with each other they felt like they were "home".

Looking back I'm glad I'm not with him now, so many things have happened since in my life, I met other people, had children etc etc - all things I wouldn't have done with him.
He wasn't my "home" and I wasn't his.

My cousin was a victim of domestic violence, her now fiancé and father of her child was in an unhappy marriage where they knew their wife was cheating. They shared a kiss, and I would say had an emotional affair. Their feelings for each other forced them to leave toxic relationships and they’re very happy.

Generally I believe it’s best to leave for YOU and work on yourself after a bad relationship (ie be single for a while) but for them it worked out and I am happy for them.

I've seen affairs progress to marriages, then shitty marriages, one broken and another by yet another affair, and then divorce. Not my idea of a life well spent but, y'know, some people thrive on drama.

What a great post.

It's really hard to be sanguine when they leave and shack up with the OW. I was devastated but in fact, in reality, she did me a massive favour. it just takes a convoluted path to get to the point of realisation.

With my ex, he asked to come back after a couple of months but why would I want a cheating asshole? I desperately wanted him back but he would have stunk of her and I could never have forgiven him for the things he did and said and how he stood by and allowed her to abuse me.

He returned to her for a short time and then left her too.

I agree with PPs. I think they often doggedly stay with the OW even though she was merely a symptom.

yes - they went on to get married and have two kids etc. it actually made me feel better their feelings for each other where genuine / long term and they were better suited to each other too

Yes, my exDP left for an OW and they have been together for 14 years and are married. Once over the duplicity and the shock (it took a while...) I met lovely DP of 11 years. But even without him, after a year or two I did a wee jig of joy every day realising that I didn't have to deal with the selfish manchild that exDP was. I am immeasurably happier than I would have been, I presume exDP and OW are too - I genuinely can't thank her enough for taking him off my hands!

My FIL had an affair in 1984 and left MIL, he was still with OW when she died about 30 years later and absolutely no indication he cheated on OW. My MIL has never really got over but had a friendly relationship with FIL until his death.

A lot of married people I know that ended up with one or another (or both) having affairs didn’t seem to be able to react to changes in their relationship that showed they weren’t the same people they used to be. Some people don’t evolve and grow, and some do.

Theres often a lot of putting up with crappy behaviours from the other partner, even though they weren’t happy themselves because they simply couldn’t fathom that people grow, change and move on and sometimes you have to let something go and even when you do realise it, it’s hard to do that. Some people don’t want to do it, and continue to yearn for what’s already passed even though it doesn’t do anyone involved any good.

Sometimes, in a situation like that people don’t realise how unhappy they are until they meet someone that does make them happy. Sometimes people shouldn’t be in a relationship because they’re selfish arseholes always looking for their next ego boost.

Yes. ExH married his OW and they have young kids together. Much as I am still disgusted with his behaviour at the time, I am glad it wasn’t for nothing in that respect. And as for me, I very quickly realised I was happier without him, and subsequently met a truly wonderful man who surpasses my ex in every conceivable way. If my ex hadn’t cheated, I never would have met him and I can’t fathom life without him now

I was the OW and we are still together over a decade later and recently got married. Even his adult children now accept that we are a better match then him and their mother.

There are 1000 times more of these than will ever admit it.

Otherwise they both look like the fuckwits who ruined various lives for a shag that didn't work out. Not conducive to their image.

There’s no one rule, is there?

Marriages can be happy or unhappy, endure or implode, regardless of how they started. Some people cheat once and never again, others cheat routinely. Some relationships that began with infidelity will be plagued by trust issues, others won’t struggle with that at all.

On one hand I can see why ‘they’ll never work out’ or ‘they’ll be unhappy for X/Y/Z reasons’ are deployed as a salve to the wound, but it think that and similar tropes can end up being harmful themselves when they are truly believed and banked on. Ultimately does it or should it matter? Don’t spend your life watching and waiting for ‘karma’/ ‘justice’, or at the very least not to the degree that it consumes you.

My dad cheated on my mum after 25 years together . 4 children . It’s been 15 years now . He left her for the OW.

They stayed together for about 4 / 5 years . He regrets it massively , is still in love with my mum .

My mum is with someone else and there is not , and never will be , any way back for them . My dad has told me on a number of occasions that it is his biggest regret and he will live with that forever.

No personal experience but 2 of my close friends’ husbands left them for OW. Both of these men are now happily married to the women they had affairs with. One for 15 years and the other got married last summer.

I just think there's no need to cheat. If you're not happy, leave.

DH's previous marriage broke down because he changed and she didn't. If she'd divorced him for that reason, I think that would have been totally fair tbh. He was no longer the man she married and they never would have been happy as they wanted completely different things by then. But she didn't, she couldn't face spending any time alone so had the next guy locked down beforehand. She wasn't even discreet about it; everyone, including DH, knew what was going on. You can accept that a relationship has come to it's natural conclusion without pissing all over what's left of it and completely disrespecting your partner. Especially when there's kids involved and you're going to have to coparent.

There's also the matter of sex. If you've been together for over a decade or longer, the passion may have waned to the point where you feel like flatmates.

As much as I hated the idea of that at the time when it happened to me, it was the cold hard truth that we had gotten to the point where it was just loving cuddles all the time. We were more like cuddly cats, cosy comforts, eating treats, familiar.
Too familiar.

His body felt like my body. There was no electricity when we touched.

With current partner, I've been with him longer than a decade and my God the electrics are still full on Christmas lights.
Sex is important to me.

I can't imagine now looking back, spending another twenty years with that "cheating" ex and sex being part of the relationship. It would have become more cosy and more sexless until we both turned into teddy bears in pajamas. A kiss on the cheek goodnight. Flatmates.

What's shit is that we marry and make financial commitments and arrangements based on the most transitory connection of all, sexual attraction. And once the pressures of real life hit, I sometimes wonder how many people would just walk away if they didn't have to financially stay or if they didn't feel guilt for leaving.
It's grim isn't it... reality.

Yes; ExH and OW are married and have a child. Life is neither fair nor just and karma is a myth.

And also because some people change after marriage, or, more accurately, don't reveal their true selves until they feel the other party is in too deep to walk.