Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

[Wishiwasjapanese]

Just that really. When your husbands have cheated and left you for the OW has it ever worked out?

not sure why and how that would help 😂

I know quite a few long term couples where it has - they all had one thing in common though, the affair part was short not long and drawn out. Don’t known if that makes makes any difference.

I’ve been cheated on and also had an affair. For me it was a catalyst to end my relationship, which was awful (cocklodger of the highest order), which I did almost immediately although admittedly I should have ended it first. It’s not crossed my mind to cheat again since, so I don’t agree with ‘once a cheater always a cheater’.

I would have a little more sympathy with the average cheat if they wanted to marry their affair partner to begin with but were effectively blocked from doing so by their family, and were then put under a huge amount of public and family pressure to make a failing marriage work.

Don't judge everyone by your own standards. Some people have more moral fibre than that. Cheating didn't just happen to you, you did it.

I had to spend my daughter’s wedding with my ex husband and the OW…. I was charm itself throughout, even if I do say so myself!
They seem happy enough, but I can’t forgive the attitude towards our adult children, who , understandably, took my side when the break up happened. There is no tangible effort on his part to maintain a good relationship with them. He complains they don’t always answer texts… but they are very busy people,and can’t always reply immediately. They say that when they text him HE doesn’t reply!!!
I don’t understand it… he never used to be like this, so I can only conclude it is the influence of the OW…🫤

I , however am happily remarried and enjoy a good relationship with my kids.

it's like "everyone is a perfect parent until they have kids". I am always wary of anyone too adamant and I would NEVER! Life is never black and white, you don't know what will happen, and you sure don't know what happened to other people and why.

It's also not quite the same to have someone having 2 relationships at the same time, having sex and saying I love you to 2 women (or men), and people on a rocky marriage they should have left earlier but only realising when they fell in love.

I know it makes people feel better to pretend a relationship with OW won't work, but it's just not true.

Having a relationship starting on a clean slate is not a guarantee it will work either!

We have mutual friends that's how I know.
Relationships break up all the time for a variety of reasons and life is too short to spend in a dead relationship.
I'm guessing you have experience from the other perspective - you're entitled to your opinion

My partner cheating when we had a 3 month old baby devastated me . I really wish he had just finished things , he hasn’t seen dd1 for 20 years, which tbh is a relief .

Of course I know I did it. I never once said 'it happened to me'. It was a choice that I made. But it's a choice I never thought I would make, until I did.

There's a huge moral gap between allowing your kids more screen time than you intended and betraying and then continuously lying to the person you chose as a life partner and parent to your children. There's even a gap between getting hideously drunk and having a one night stand, and having a long term affair. The decision to come home every night and pretend everything is normal, going through the normal motions of married life, the whole time knowing the whole thing is a lie and at some point you are about to shatter your family's lives is pretty black and white to me.

My almost ex husband had a 6 month affair following the birth of our 3rd child, confessed and begged forgiveness saying it wasn’t her he wanted it was me, but that having 2 children quite quickly had changed our relationship. Yes, he was no longer centre of my world.

fast forward 9 years and I discovered the affair he was “forever guilty and racked with remorse every day” for had restarted within 6 months of his confession and been on/off over that 9 years. They lasted 3 years initially, she refused to leave husband, so it ended for a few years. He tried again but she had had another baby with husband so she said no, then it resumed again and finished and picked up once again at the beginning of 2023. I found out and left him late that year. He told me they were soul mates blah blah.

12 month on he’s not with her and his life has spiralled into something awful as he’s recently gained a criminal conviction and alcohol problem. He’s a professional and his career is probably ruined.

i feel nothing but relief that the marriage is over. I stayed way too long in reality - marriage was 24 years. He continues to blame me for everything though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Affairs are as unique as the people who end up in them. I think it would naive to think it would never happen to you or that you yourself would never engage in one. Circumstances change dramatically through life.

The men I've known who have had exit affairs waited far too long to leave. They were unhappy for years but stayed because they had a family. I don't think they ever thought they'd leave. Then they meet a woman and have their head well and truly turned. They see the possibly for a much happier life and there's more on the 'other side' that makes it worth the jump. The affair tends to be really short and they remarry quickly. Those ones seem to be the happiest.

The serial cheats that simply can't own not being capable of monogamy seem the most miserable.

I've known women trapped in emotionally abusive marriages for years who have an exit affairs as a means to get out. It's not idea but people carry around varying levels of emotional fortitude and intelligence. It's not a level playing field.

@MrsSunshine2b

Don't judge everyone by your own standards. Some people have more moral fibre than that. Cheating didn't just happen to you, you did it.
The point made that no one can know if their dp will ever cheat is true though.
No one can know what has not yet happened. Plenty dint know when it already has happened.

🙄

I have looked into the stats before and can't find any original sources for them - just lots of articles quoting various stats and not citing where from or even a whole lot of context! I found one that says this:

'the probability of an affair ending in marriage is very, very low. Based on the data available it is between three and five percent. Of those affairs that do end in marriage, most join the 75 percent of second marriages that fail which is significantly higher than first marriages.'

But... that's basing the whole stats on the premise that a relationship only even qualifies for the potential to be successful if it ends in marriage, - what about the 95% - 97% of relationships that don't end in marriage? Can't find anything on these! So if someone can point me in the right direction that would be great.

Sure, sometimes. Usually when the man, round about the time he took up with the new woman, is hitting the sort of age where his sex drive is dropping a bit and he's getting tired of womanising and the upheaval of starting a whole new life etc (or maybe just getting past the age where a lot of women fancy him). Or it's got to the point where another divorce will ruin him financially.

That's all very well but you know what else is short ..childhood. So many affairs due to the somewhat drudgery of everyday parenting, juggling work, not much time for couples to have time alone or away together and suddenly one party "has been unhappy for years" met their "soulmate" and can only now manage 4/30 nights parenting. In these cases the marriage is not dead, just not thrilling and at one of those "for worse" times mentioned in the vows. You suck it up and give your kids a lovely childhood without shuttling between two houses, split finances, reduced opportunities for hobbies etc cos RP can't be in two places at once and all the rest of the shite that comes with divorced parents, not to mention the step family dynamics. Let's say the kids are pre school age when it gets dull ...suck it up for ten / 12 years. Give them those family holidays, Christmas' etc and focus on what you committed too. I'm NOT talking about genuinely miserable, angry, abusive situations, just plodding along that for many, often men, just isn't enough.

I feel I must add to this thread that just because things appear to be working out and they're still together, it doesn't mean they're happy. You're not in their life and so one or both may still be cheating but the other partner either doesn't know about it or ignores it all. Doesn't make for a great relationship, obviously.

I totally agree with this. The shine wears off and the everyday life and no longer being the focus is a huge factor, IMO. I remember my ex saying about the r/ship he was in (two before me), "everything was fine until a kid came along". I BET it was! You were the sole focus, and I think some people just can't handle it when they're not any longer, p!ss off for someone else, and then when the drudgery begins in that life, they're either off again or think "well, I can't leave...what does that say about the person I am" and fear being judged by society.

Sadly my ex didn't make this disclosure at the start - if he had, I would have ended things then because it says a lot about him and the sort of people who behave this way.

Friend's wife left him a note saying she was running off with affair partner, emptying their bank account and taking all the jewelry. She got to the rendezvous but he didn't show up. He decided to stay with his wife
Mad dash home but got there too late. However he forgave her on condition she resigned her job and agreed to move
They are still together . So I guess we'll never know if it could have worked with her affair partner

I know of someone like that too! The OW couldn't even go to the funeral because none of his family and friends would have known who she was. Horrendous. But I guess she just accepted that as part of the deal. Apparently she was never that fussed about him leaving, their long term arrangement worked fine as it was and she was happy with that.

Totally agree.

Yet growing up in a situation where one parent has checked out or is unhappy makes for a deeply unhappy childhood. Kids pick up on away more of what is going on in a household than many adults realise.

I'm NOT talking about genuinely miserable, angry, abusive situations, just plodding along that for many, often men, just isn't enough.

but that's not a life! And what a terrible example to set for the kids.
There's more to life than being miserable like that.