Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

[Wishiwasjapanese]

Just that really. When your husbands have cheated and left you for the OW has it ever worked out?

I'm not talking about being miserable...I'm talking about accepting that when you choose to make a family you commit to a situation and look for ways to improve things if you're bored. In so many of the scenarios as I outlined above the cheating spouse wasn't miserable, just preoccupied. In those scenarios the right thing to is to focus your energy on the marriage and improve it. If you're going to loaf about being miserable and angry then yes, absolutely leave but it's the wrong thing to prioritise your "soulmate" over your small children.

Nobody, including the kids, are happy in a "stay together for the kids sake" scenario.

So do something about it other than stick it in someone else.

If you're tired and stressed because parenting is exhausting then you just need to deal with it. Running off with a younger model and leaving the other parent to be twice as tired and stressed on their own isn't an acceptable reaction to finding parenting hard.

If you're bored and the spark is gone because all the focus is on the kids, then take responsibility for putting it back in. Take up a hobby together and book a babysitter, or organise alternating nights so you can both find different hobbies that make you feel good. Organise a romantic surprise for when the kids are in bed. Make the effort.

So many men seem to leave ALL the emotional labour to their partner and if she stops making the romance because she's also carrying most of the domestic labour, it just dies. Then they complain that their wife no longer cares about them because she's busy cooking and cleaning for all the kids you wanted and doesn't have time to do the cute little things she did when you got together.

So many men seem to leave ALL the emotional labour to their partner and if she stops making the romance because she's also carrying most of the domestic labour, it just dies. Then they complain that their wife no longer cares about them because she's busy cooking and cleaning for all the kids you wanted and doesn't have time to do the cute little things she did when you got together

There's truth in this. However, I've known many women who go into marriage with a very fixed idea about wanting say 3 kids (whatever the number) and by God that's what they are going to have regardless of the fact that the marriage is strained and they suspect their husband isn't happy. They ignore all the obvious signs and just figure their partner can suck it up for the next decade or so and then they'll have time for each other (and the marriage).

As a society we tend to romanticize having babies/small children and downplay how it can impact a marriage. And sorry, but few people want to "suck it up" and trudge along for a decade or more in a relationship that is little more than roommates arguing about kids and housework and a sex life that's barely on life support.

Agreed. Like the OP on the thread today who stopped having sex 5 years ago in lockdown and expected her DH at the age of 37 to be fine with this, refused to have any conversation on it, and also stated he couldn’t masturbate as she wasn’t comfortable with it.

How can people think this is fine?

Yes. Mine is still with his OW 20 years and 2 kids later.

I thought we were happy but clearly he wasn’t. I think I just had rose tinted glasses on.

Sometimes, life isn't always about someone else making you happy and you have to make your own happiness. Some people were never taught this and if the person they've delegated the work to can no longer do it, they find someone else to do it for them.

More children need to be agreed by both partners, but if the couple has previously agreed on 3 and then one party is "unhappy" after one, because they were expecting a baby to be born and nothing to change for them, then I can understand the other party not feeling happy about that.

I didn't see that thread. Did other people think it was fine? It is definitely not fine! Obviously you need to make time for your partner. However, I know some women who get next to no support and intimacy from their husbands and are doing everything, including his laundry and working on top of that, and then he tries to initiate sex after acting like a helpless baby all day and allowing her to grind herself into the ground keeping everything afloat, and she's obviously not feeling sexy. That's not a "her" issue, that's a "him" issue.

More children need to be agreed by both partners, but if the couple has previously agreed on 3 and then one party is "unhappy" after one, because they were expecting a baby to be born and nothing to change for them, then I can understand the other party not feeling happy about that

Reality seldom lives up to fantasy. If your marriage is struggling after one child, having two more isn't likely to improve things.

How many threads do you see on Mumsnet that are some variation of this?:

"Am I crazy to try for a third at 47? I just don't feel like my family is complete at 2"

The partner/spouse is rarely mentioned nor is what they want even part of the discussion. So while cheating is never justified, you can hardly feign surprise that someone isn't willing to sleepwalk thru decades of their life hoping that someday, in the distant future, things might improve.

That thread is in general health and no most of us were not in agreement. We can only make choices for ourselves not for others in the guise of let him play with himself was the general concensus.

I personally think a lot of issues start with communication problems, not of course in all cases, as Alexandre Dumas said “All generalizations are dangerous, even this one. Even so trying to soldier on through unhappier times isn't helpful because it doesn't solve anything or alert the partner to an issue. This is on both sides, not just one.

In my case a feature of my early relationships were being physically not present because I worked away a lot for weeks and months. I know men show their affection through physical ways and had I been more thoughtful I could have offered solutions of meeting up etc. I didn't I just relied on him telling me he was unhappy but he didn't so it was on both of us not really having that conversation until it was too late.

But the kids are still there, needing to be raised. And it's almost always the man who leaves and the woman who keeps "plodding along", doing the daily slog of childrearing solo. That's not much of an example to set them: that men check out if life's not as exciting as it used to be, and it's down to women to pick up the pieces and shoulder the responsibility.

By plodding along I meant realising that married family life isn't going to be a rom com and there will be times when you look round and think "where did my life go". The difference is that mostly women accept this is a temporary state and embrace it and often some men, if offered the tiniest glimmer of their old life will jump at it..it's a viable option in the way it just isn't for many women. With communication and effort on both sides, the family and the marriage could be preserved in many circumstances. I think weathering storms together is a pretty good example actually. If however the adults can't get along, are sniping and snarling all the time then yes, break up, but how many times do we read on here that someone was left for ow and had no idea the husband was unhappy..and despite some posters' protestations that absolutely is possible. Anyway, not really the point of this thread but I just mean that whilst it may well be that affairs become long standing successful relationships, they should not come at the cost of breaking up a young child's family in the scenario described above.

Well I don't entirely disagree with you. My husband already had a 6yo when I met him and we agreed on 2, however, both of us realised during pregnancy that 1 would be better and we are very happy with that choice.

When I felt unhappy because I was losing my identity a little bit to "Mum", I joined an amateur dramatics group and my husband makes sure that works for me by taking on more childcare and housework in the run up to a show. When he felt like he was finding it hard to make new friends when we moved house, he joined a local pool team and now goes out every Wednesday whilst I hold the fort.

We involved each other in discussions about how to fix it and have helped each other, but we didn't just sit and wait for the other to fix it, often without even voicing the problem, and then go off and find an affair partner when they didn't.

One of the saddest things I heard/saw was at the funeral of the DF

Both first and second families were there - all the children. However, hearing the second family loudly and openly say in front of his first 4 DCs with whom he had been with their mother for 22 years when he left - that at least he had found true happiness and love in the end to make up for all the sadness from his first marriage.

one of the nastiest bitchiest and deliberately hurtful things he was said. To think that your DF wished you had never been born and regretted your existence is so damaging. All those happy memories you had with your DF get questioned and damage you.

There are no winners in the OW and OM saga - someone usually unsuspecting gets hurt and that hurt last a lifetime.

Well no, because then there is a new vacancy for the OW.

This has been gone over so many times that it's surprising anyone is still using it

The old "creates a vacancy' trope 😎

Always overlooks the various reasons that people have affairs.

Tell me you know nothing, without telling me you know nothing.