Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

[Wishiwasjapanese]

Just that really. When your husbands have cheated and left you for the OW has it ever worked out?

Not an affair as such but I met my DH through a friend of mine - I was with an abusive man at time, who was god awful!

Nothing happened with DH until I left that horrid relationship- but he gave me some hope that it could be better.

We started a relationship almost straight away - he put up with so much shit from my ex (not leaving the house, me getting the police involved etc) which he didn’t need too - but here we are 23 years later 2 kids, many animals and he is still fab!!

My sister had an affair, she was single and he was married with 4 children and another on the way!

For obvious reasons I was 100% against this but they have been together for almost 20 years now and are very happy.

In the cases of the new couples who stay together does the woman tend to be much younger than the man? Just curious.

My stepdad was the 'OM'. He became the best parent I had, to be honest, and I miss him terribly (cancer).

My Dad had numerous affairs during his marriage to my Mum, but one women kept popping up and he eventually left Mum for her. They married and have been together for 40years.

I love my Dad but do not condone his behaviour, he was a coward and we all paid a price for it.

Him and Mum married young and both had different ideas of what marriage was about and had been too naïve to discuss expectations beforehand. They were two drastically different people and I can see, as an adult, that they just weren't suited. Mum finally found the courage to kick him out and it was a big scandal as she was the first in her family to get a divorce.

Dads 2nd wife, we very weird but he obviously loved her. What got me though was that my mum was a very traditional housewife, she did everything, cooked, cleaned, worked full time and reared us kids. Mum was a very good looking women but she wasn't aware of it and she frequently looked tired because she had a lot to cope with and never had time to get her hair done. Dad would stick his hand out and shout coffee and mum would oblige. Who needed a TV remote control when you had mum and us. Dad said Mum wasn't needy enough, she was too independent.

Yet with his second wife, it was complete role reversal, he did the cooking cleaning etc. She had a meltdown if you asked her to put the heating on as she didn't do stuff like that, it was Dads job. She just looked immaculate, beautifully manicured nails, a variety of wigs (Dolly Parton one day and a Purdy the next - showing my age here). and I maybe biased but Mum was still way prettier!

Wow, what a pair of absolute cunts.

Sorry, I know it's your sister and all.

My BFF was an OW, he left his first wife for her, no DC. Had two DC with BFF, probably been together 25 years now with a lot of trauma and devastation along the way.

didn’t approve At the time but they are meant to be.

Of the two relationships I know that started out this way 1. I know the man (my brother) had a fling with another woman and my ‘sister-in-law’ who began as the OW (although not married to my brother) is unaware of this. I haven’t said anything because it’s not my place to say and my family is so dysfunctional it would have been used against me anyway. The other relationship, my mil left my lovely fil for another man. Little does he know but my mil desperately tried to get back with my fil but he turned her down so the OM is 2nd choice and she is only with him because she would be a lonely old woman otherwise.

That doesn't make sense. The ones that cheat will get what they deserve whether it's sooner or later.

A close colleague recently told me that she was the other woman in her DHs first marriage. They have been married to each other now for almost 25 years and have two adult children. They're miserable together and have been for years and she says that the only reason they are still together is because of the guilt she still feels about being the OW and she never really wanted to marry him in the first place but because he left his wife she felt she 'had' to.

I was kind of shocked by that admission.

I'm sure many people go on to have long and happy relationships with the ow/om. I bet they still cheat though.

It really does. They'll get what they deeserve sooner or later, it's tainted from the start being built on unnecessarily betraying someone else.

Not me as luckily dh so far is a good egg. But the vast majority of men who had affairs or very close to overlapping relationships are still going strong. Not much karma that I can see. I see a few men have kids, have a vasectomy and leave for a younger childless woman, for a child free life. Passing on DNA and seeing the kids every few months and they seem extremely happy. They have lots of support from family and friends and no one has anything but outward admiration for them.

My mil cheated on my lovely fil and he tried to kill himself after finding out. But in the long run she did him a favour because he discovered his real self after meeting a lovely woman he has been with for the last 20 years. My mil on the other hand, is a miserable uptight church going hypocrite and is now stuck caring for a boring old man who she let talk her out of her marriage. So yes, what goes around comes around.

Back in the 1960s my mum cheated on her first husband (my birth father) and ran off with one of his colleagues. They remained happily married until his death. For them it was worth it.

I imagine a fair number of OW/OM who subsequently become spouses know in their heart of hearts that their spouse has probably cheated on them, or will at some point. I take all the arguments about problems in the first marriage, people changing etc, but ultimately the thing in those people that made them react to marital problems by cheating is probably still there. To suggest it's just about unhappy marriages is to overlook that people have agency in how they deal with those problems. Unless they've had therapy or some sort of Damascene conversion, that thing in them that says 'my marriage isn't perfect so I'll cheat' is unlikely to have gone anywhere. And, of course, if you got them by cheating then being cheated on yourself is so much more humiliating because it's so much more predictable. Thus, they'd presumably be less likely to shout about the fact.

Tbh, I felt the same way at the time but life isn't always simple. I certainly do not agree with affairs but my sister has been a better mother to her step children than their own dm, 3 of them even call her mum.
Believe me, their mother is not a nice person (still not an excuse to have an affair, I know).

I can think of a couple of relationships I know of that have lasted the long haul starting from an affair, but I often wonder what it's actually like in that relationship though, are they more...stuck together as a result? Trying to condone their actions? I can't imagine trusting someone who cheated on someone else. I can understand falling for someone else to a degree but I don't understand disrespecting your partner so much by establishing a full blown affair, it says a lot about them? They can't be a good person?

My aunt was married to a man who left her and the 4 small children for another woman. The ex husband has been happily married to the OW for a good 35 years now and they have 2 children of their own.

My aunt was bitter for many years but then met another man who she subsequently married who is wonderful.

I'd struggle to be with a man knowing I was the OW.
Win by the sword, die by the sword, and all that.

Great post!

May I ask how you've kept the sexual spark alive in this relationship?

just think there's no need to cheat. If you're not happy, leave.

I didn’t say there is. My point was that even when a lot of people know their relationship is over they aren’t brave enough to move on.

Believe me, their mother is not a nice person.

This is always the narrative though isn't it...?

I was the OW and we've since been together 16 years.

Yes and No, just like any coupling. I've known folks who had affairs and went off with OW/OM and still together, and some who split after the excitement of not going behind backs and clandestine meets/shags wore off. I will say one 'observation ' though....of the ones who are still together, none of them fully trust the other!! It's as though because they had affairs, it might happen again.

My mum left my dad and married the OM. It'll be 50 years next year... 43 years longer than her first marriage.