Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

[Wishiwasjapanese]

Just that really. When your husbands have cheated and left you for the OW has it ever worked out?

Was about to say the same @changecandles !

No actually I'm 100% positive I would have felt better just breaking up rather than knowing they were fucking in my bed regularly when I was in work and our child was in child care rather than with her father who was pretending to be in work.

No absolutely not.

Breaking up can be hurtful, create stress etc.

Cheating has the potential to absolute decimate someone. It isn't the affair it's all the things that are done to undertake and keep an affair going.

Which are indefensible in 99% of circumstances.

No. It’s that it’s very complicated to write every sentence as he / she . And this is Mumsnet so most readers are female. And most are straight so their partners are male.

And women whose partners are women are smart enough to read the post and work out that it applies to all cheaters - they are able to swap around pronouns.

The same as women whose partners are not husbands can work out that it all applied for to unmarried couples too.

Most women are smart like that. They can work out the general point without nit picking over the grammar, spelling or punctuation.

Someone is kranky

My school friend dated a guy when we were teens. They split and she met someone else, got pregnant at 17 and married him. Then they had 2 more children. She had an affair (no idea how long it had been going on for) when the youngest was 18. Marriage ended. Big fall out. Everyone hated her - including her sister. Turned out she’d been seeing the boy from her teens throughout her marriage. She moved in with the new guy and they are still, happily, together. I think she was just way too young to have gotten married. And, she was forced into it due to the pregnancy. There were warning signs for a while, that she was unhappy, as she’s post pics of her husband sat asleep in the chair most days with an insulting comment.

What she didn’t know was that her husband had tried it on with me numerous times when she was pregnant and when she was in labour! He wasn’t innocent either! I didn’t like him at all - very creepy - and didn’t go there. I am glad she has found happiness but she went around it the wrong way.

That’s simply not true.

It technically is.

It's not something that can be taken back but I suppose to maybe not simplify it they could be described as people who have proven that are perfectly able to cheating in the past, which indicates they are capable of doing so again in the future.

You sound about 12 years old. No those types dont get what they deserve.

My own ex husband is on wife 8 I'm told. Where is what he deserves? He keeps managing to find women who want to marry him, hes living off them like he did me, when he gets bored off he pops to find another. Zero bad stuff has happened to him. He doesnt even have to work for a living (he is or at least was a very handsome man, in my head I call him a gigolo) hes never had to work, hes always found women to fund him. By your standards he should be hung drawn and quartered, yet hes still living the high life.

And then other people in my life have had affairs, gone to be with affair partner and done just fine. Still together 20+ years on. Equally some have ruined their life and their families lives for a short lived affair. But it's not always guaranteed karma.

Oh they do get what they deserve, it's all I've ever seen. Actions have consequences. That's so so embarrassing for him and more fool the idiot women entertaining him.

My Dad left my Miy for the ow after 25 years of marriage, they've been married 25 years now and are happy. My Mum also remarried and has been for 20 years so yes, sometimes it all works okay

I totally agree with this. I cheated on my first husband, got married young, zero in common and after 10 years I could not even stand the sight of him. My affair was not thrilling, and I ended my marriage very quickly as I realised if I loved my husband I would not have cheated in the first place. I eventually married my affair partner and we are still together over 20 years later. There is not a chance In hell I would cheat again in the same position, I would end the relationship before even considering some one else.

My ex, barely. The girl he left me for (she saved my life tbh) is still putting up with his abuse after 14 years. Shes a shell of who she used to be but she’s really trying. My aunt got left for the OW 11 years ago and they seem happy. Sometimes affairs work out 🤷🏻‍♀️

You really are insufferable. You have such a limited mind set, unable to see beyond the restrictions of your own immediate experience.

My dear friend's marriage that started as an affair - 40 years on, they are happy as anything. They have 5 children between them, all with strong marriages, goodness knows how many grandchildren. They are now in their 80s and in remarkably good health for their age. They are multimillionaires, own several properties. They are genuinely two of the kindest, loveliest and most charitably generous people I've ever met. What exactly do you think they deserve? And why?

Be precise in your answer.

I wasn’t married but had a child and all the time he was with me cheated, met OW married her, blamed me all throughout their relationship I was the one who had cheated and done wrong.and he didn’t love me etc etc. She believed all his lies. They had a son together, low and behold he did exactly the same to her, she forgave him but then they ended up divorced because he couldn’t help himself and kept cheating He is now with another woman and has gone on to have more children.
Just would not surprise me in the least if he has cheated and not stayed faithful to her

I met my husband of 23 years when we were both married to other people (no children for either couple)
We have a 22 yr old son now and are still very happy. Our exes have remarried and would also appear to be really happy so after the initial upset, everything worked out in the end.

Not everything is as clear cut as it would seem when marriages end.

When does the karma kick in? My ex husband is about 80 years old now. Hes done just fine so far living off various women. What's the worst thing that can happen to him at his age? No wife or partner to look after him in his twilight years is the only thing I can think of, and all that will happen is a care home for him or carers daily. Hardly karma or justice is it. Hardly major consequences or even minor consequences.

I call bull on the karma thing. Sometimes it happens because life is like that and sometimes it really doesnt, also because some people are just lucky.

Look at the near accidents you see on the roads daily, the stupid behaviour of drivers, the times I say oh my God where are the police when you need them. Then look at the one time in a blue moon you see the police pulling up the crazy driver. You rejoice, finally the police were in the right place at the right time. But that's one time out of hundreds.

I'm sure I know you from West Wales.

@Basketballhoop
You really are insufferable. You have such a limited mind set, unable to see beyond the restrictions of your own immediate experience

@Tink3rbell30 isn't insufferable. They are damaged. Even with a hundred people detailing examples of people living happily ever after, they aren't able to allow this reality in to their minds. It hurts them too much.
Reasonable people realise of course that there is no single outcome and anyone like @Tink3rbell30 who insist there is only one outcome is speaking from pain not rational thought.

Either that or they are just trolling but for the sake of kindness it's probably best to assume they are just very much hurting and choosing to live in a deluded state as the alternative is too much for them to bear and it's probably better to just not engage with them

@OliveThe0therReindeer
It would have made a whole lot more sense just to use 'they' then wouldn't it. Words matter.

Being capable of cheating isn't the same thing as being guaranteed to cheat again.

Besides, everybody is capable of cheating. It's just that many people never do. Maybe the opportunity never arises, maybe they genuinely have no desire to cheat, maybe they've never met anyone that's even tempted them. Or maybe they've been sorely tempted but have thought better of it.

Either way, the world isn't broken down into two types of people, those who are capable and those who are incapable of cheating. Every day someone is unfaithful who previously thought they never would be.

Nope I've clearly said many times it's my own opinions and experiences so don't try the false patronising act again. Very odd.

It’s a bit like having an opinion about the existence of poltergeists. You’re obviously entitled to think they exist, but all evidence suggests otherwise.

Everyone who I know who did it, they have always stuck together and been extremely happy, the left party has ended up bitter and very lonely.

After reading this thread I googled the research on affair relationships out of curiosity. Research has found only 3% of relationships that start as an affair last long term - the vast majority fail - and they're significantly more like to fail than a relationship that starts when two people are single.

I have no real vested interest in this - I've never been cheated on as far as I'm aware - but this means @Tink3rbell30 perspective is more accurate than most on this thread.

Also anecdotally all the AP relationships I've known in my friends/family etc haven't lasted long, so it tallies with what I've seen.