Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

[Wishiwasjapanese]

Just that really. When your husbands have cheated and left you for the OW has it ever worked out?

One of my friends was left for ow.
She had her ex crying down the phone , begging to come back....not sure what I'd do ...

Dhs dad left for OW when DH was 14, almost 40 years ago. They're still together and he appears to have been a very good father to his step children and the children they had together while completing forgetting about his first family.

I think that is so wrong. To just completely forget your first family

Honestly, people want to believe that those who engage in affairs and marry the other person are all sordid, sexually incontinent people who can't help but ruin their own happiness but it isn't necessarily true. It may in some cases so. But not all. I thInk for many, it's a question of not handling things correctly at the time or having much integrity at the time, rather than particularly enjoying the affair.

I do distinguish between those who do this and serial shaggers who stay married.

I know several (my parents seem to know many couples who met this way and my mother would tell me everyone's business as a child). Obviously I don't know for sure but there are a good number of these whom I would be surprised if they'd strayed again.

One woman in particular still feels a huge amount of shame about her own behaviour although it's all settled, and all parties amicable.

One man was putting out feelers online but I don't think acted on it further than that but the 'thrill of the chase' may have applied to him.

Most of the others, I think had quite ordinary marriages that started in a less than ideal way. May last, may not but I don't think they're guaranteed to go any particular way.

I'm not waving flags in defence of cheaters. I just seem to have been party to quite a good sample size for some reason and don't think it's that helpful for the victims of infidelity to hold out for it all crashing down as their vindication and healing. I think better to move on via other means.

Again I won't be, I'll carry on joining in.

'Honestly, people want to believe that those who engage in affairs and marry the other person are all sordid, sexually incontinent people who can't help but ruin their own happiness'

I don't think they are sordid. I do think they are often shallow types with poor self esteem who seek validation from others for a confidence boost and for some excitement.

So, as I've said yes they may stay with their fling partner but one eye will always be on the look out for thr next thrill. It is sad but true. If you meet someone who is lying to be with you they will easily do the exact same thing again once the novelty has worn off.

I don't think it is true.

My dad had an affair. My mother was an awful woman (we are no longer in contact following abuse).

My dad never spoke badly of my mum but, once we'd cut contact of our own volition, he said he'd only stayed as long as he could to protect us. And, given the reason we finally went nc, he as right to do so. He had no other choice.

He had an affair when I was 17 and was with her until his death when I was 37. He was a far happier and nicer man during his marriage to the OW.

My exh had an affair and they are stil together and far happier and better suited than he and I ever were. I know he regrets the way he went about it (put himself into therapy and apologised to me) but to suggest that either of them would have been 'looking for the next thrill' is wrong.

My dad remained faithful to his second wife as my exh has remained faithful to his.

It isn’t always a novelty shag though? Clearly it is sometimes but, a lot of the time, it is not. I believe that people can marry the wrong person and be deeply unhappy and then meet the right person and fall in love. Those kinds of affairs can end up in a lasting relationship. Yes it is still horribly painful, for everyone, but the marriage was not right in the first place.

Some people get married when they should be splitting up. Then they have a baby as another sticking plaster.

My friend that has an affair had been married for 2 years to someone he started dating as a teen. Their marriage was ostensibly happy but he met someone he really adores. That was 20 years ago and they’ve been married for 15. He’s not someone that found the affair bit thrilling. He’s certainly not looking for the next one!

it’s probably nice if you’ve been cheated on to think about karma, or ‘once a cheater’, or ‘creating a vacancy’ because that’s easier than accepting that sometimes marriages just aren’t strong enough and they go tits up. It’s hard to walk away from something that’s ticking along, that’s why falling for someone else is the death knell.

Having an affair, a long-term one anyone, not just a one-night stand thing is not thrilling. It's a very very wrong assumption that people have affairs for the thrill or excitement. There are many reasons people embark on affairs, the "thrill" is pretty low down in the list.

You don't actually know that either of them remained faithful.

For all of the they never cheated again because they found true happiness stories.

That is something that only the person who cheated in the first place knows. Not their new partners, not their children, friends or colleagues.

Millions of people around the world cheat every day and it never comes out. Those numbers will include people who have already cheated in previous relationships.

What is 100% know is they have already cheated and already displayed all the behaviours and decisions it takes to do so.

And I hate the shifting of blame that happens in cheating and affairs. When the betrayed person doesn't happily move on with a shrug and a oh well they are happier now all worked out for the best. It's labelled bitterness. No the majority of the time it's trauma. Inflicted on them by two other people.

Well that's OK then.

People who make justifications and excuses and platitudes for affairs, I wonder do they feel the same about other types of abuse that partners display towards their partners?

It is very very rare that an affair doesn't come with a shed load of abuse to the personal being cheated on.

• Still having sex? Removal of informed consent.
• Joint finances? Taking shared finances to secretly fund a second relationship. Financial abuse.
• Constantly lying? Manipulation
• Denying when suspicions are raised? Gaslighting
• Removal of time, money and energy from your kids and shifting it the other person to sneak around. Absolutely shit parenting.

The list is endless.

it’s probably nice if you’ve been cheated on to think about karma, or ‘once a cheater’, or ‘creating a vacancy’ because that’s easier than accepting that sometimes marriages just aren’t strong enough and they go tits up. It’s hard to walk away from something that’s ticking along, that’s why falling for someone else is the death knell.

Totally agree.

Whatado

It clearly helps you to think in these absolute terms but it doesn't mean you're right.

Just because someone married in their 20s, for example, it doesn't mean that those people are still going to he right for each other for the rest of their lives.

People grow and develop and change. Sometimes, they grow and develop and change in the same direction and sometimes they don't.

That's how I know that neither my dad nor ex husband cheated on their second wives because I know the people they are/were.

My exh has many faults and I'm not oblivious to any of them. The same could be said of my dad. But neither of them were womanisers, or philanders. Neither of them were men who gazed too long in another woman's direction. Neither of them courted female attention. They were both men who wanted to be in loving relationships.

And they were both content to remain in subpar marriages in a 'too good to leave, too bad to stay' situation. Both and children to consider and wider family/social lives and financial commitments and, for both fo them, those things were enough to keep them where they were until they each met someome who made it worth the disruption.

Neither of them should have cheated but they weren't 'cheats' either.

So, yes, I do know, with certainty, tbh, that neither of them did or will cheat on their second wives.

I will say, however, that my dad's second wife never quite felt comfortable with my brother and me because we were a reminder of his previous life and how their relationship started.

And I know my exh's wife has more of an issue with me being the first wife that I will ever have with her having been the OW.

But I would still stay with certainty that my dad did not and my exh would not cheat again.

It's you who is actually speaking in absolute terms in terms of your opinion neither of them cheated again.

Its a fact no one in a relationship with another person knows if they have cheated.

There is zero guarantees or fact, it's your belief based on the behaviour the chose to show and your trust in them as a person. Neither of which means it's actually true.

I know my ex cheated. I believe my husband has always been faithful. That doesn't actually mean its true.

And they were actually by the very fact they did in fact have affairs.

It isn’t always a novelty shag though?Clearly it is sometimes but, a lot of the time, it is not. I believe that people can marry the wrong person and be deeply unhappy and then meet the right person and fall in love. Those kinds of affairs can end up in a lasting relationship. Yes it is still horribly painful, for everyone, but the marriage
I agree with this.
My ex has been with the 'OW' for 34 years+.
They are a good match and have a happy life and now going i to retirement with lots of plans, just like me and DH.
Their life is better than the one me and him would have had.

All is good.
Me and ex were limping along. It was becoming pointless. In retrospect the OW did all of us a favour, although it didn't feel like it at the time!

There are as many reasons for having affairs as there are people having them.

Well, OK, I believe with as much certainty as anyone could given that both men are/were very happy in their new relationships, neither of them were comfortable with their actions and bothbhad regrets, neither of them had ever raised suspicion beforehand and there are/were other circumstances that would make it highly improbable that either of them would.

And I know them and you don't. So, yes, I'm better placed to make a judgement about both of them than you are.

I'm not saying you are wrong in every situation just that you are not right in every situation.

And they were actually by the very fact they did in fact have affairs

Technically, yes, but they were both in very unhappy marriages with people they neither loved nor who loved them.

So they weren't abandoning 'happy marriages'. Nor were they out scouting on Saturday night or playing away on business trips just because they could.

They were weak and cowardly by not ending their marriages first but, in reality, very few people do that. So the alternative would have been to remain in very unhappy marriages whlish I wouldn't wish on anyone.

In the same way once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. But might never have another drink in their life, so someone who cheated may never desire to cheat again

the platitudes are the "once a cheater, always a cheater" nonsense.

Is a relationship doomed because 2 people met when they were not single, and they were a bit hasty in becoming intimate? It might make a lot of posters better to think it is doomed, but in reality, of course not.

Should they have waited? Yes.
Was it wrong? Yes.
Would the ex feel better if their partner has broken off the relationship before having any intimacy with the person they fell in love? I seriously doubt it.

If someone doesn't love you anymore, doesn't want to be with you anymore, it's hurtful. If they are in love with someone else, it's even more hurtful. Knowing they had a shag or 2 honestly makes very little difference.

You might come back saying you would feel a million times better if you knew your ex and the OW had not even kissed when you were being dumped, but it's not that likely is it.

@Whatado

I think people seem under some delusion that had the affair not happened that everyone would be happy.

This is unlikely. People rarely leave for the OW/OM unless they prefer them to their spouse.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't fully in love with me. Whether they realised and left me before meeting someone else or after really isn't the big deal imo

You might come back saying you would feel a million times better if you knew your ex and the OW had not even kissed when you were being dumped, but it's not that likely is it.

Exactly that @TooManyChristmasCards There was a poster on here the other week who started a thread and was devastated that the DH could leave her for someone he simply had feelings for, never having kissed or been intimate. That was what hurt her - he could throw their marriage away for a feeling. So clearly, there's no best way to do it.

There are as many reasons for having affairs as there are people having them

I’ve only ever seen one reason for having an affair - a very large sense of entitlement . It goes like this

It’s not really cheating / my situation is special / it’s ok for me because

she doesn’t know about it
it’s just casual sex
it doesn’t affect her
she’s not giving me enough sex / attention
she gives too much attention to my kids
her body has changed since she had our kids
shes not meeting my emotional needs
it’s just a bit of fun
it helps keep my marriage together
she’s abusive
she’s an alcoholic
she spends all my money

shes mentally ill
she has cancer
I think she’s cheating on me
I don’t want to lose her housekeeping services
I don’t want to share our matrimonial assets in a divorce
I don’t want to have to parent my own kids at weekends
i don’t want everyone to know I don’t want to parent my own kids
I’m not compatible with my wife
its true love with my AP
my AP is more fun
I have better sex with my AP
my AP understands me

Theres a hundred reasons Cheaters give, which are all apparently good enough reason to cheat but NOT good enough reasons to leave. But they all boil down to the cheaters sense of entitlement to have their cake and eat it.

To have two ( or more ) women at their beck and call.

And to take away their wife’s right to make informed choices about her own life and body.

To steal time, love and attention from their wife and kids while lying through their teeth.

There’s no good reason to cheat. If it’s that bad then leave . THEN look for someone else.

My dad married his OW and were married 25 years before she died from cancer. He seemed very happy.

Wow it's almost like you believe only men cheat 🙄