Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

[Wishiwasjapanese]

Just that really. When your husbands have cheated and left you for the OW has it ever worked out?

Every day someone is unfaithful who previously thought they never would be.

Agree @TwigletsAndRadishes I had an affair and until I did I would have labelled myself "least likely to cheat"

But then I did.

It's like everyone who says "but I know for certain my husband won't cheat". No. No you don't. You can hope and believe he won't cheat, but you can never know for sure.

My very horrible manager (years ago) had an affair with a married man at work after my manager’s own husband left her. She was so entitled and nasty about it and would complaint openly in team meetings about her affair partner’s wife being a bitch and refusing to send their kids to boarding school. Everyone was appalled and didn’t know what to say.

This guy left his wife and married my former manager. I can imagine his life is sheer hell. Or maybe hers is as they are both revolting human beings. Sometimes people get what they deserve.

They sometimes don’t ever want to leave their wife. They just want a bit on the side. So no hedging of bets. Best of both worlds.

I am going through a separation because my partner cheated and completely blindsided me. As far as I knew, we were happy. The revelation of the cheating was devastating because it made the reality I live in false. I watched him look me in the eyes and lie to me. He exposed me to potential STIs while I was pregnant. It is abuse.

I cannot believe how many people here are being so nonchalant about affairs. It has made me question my self worth and completely destroyed my life. If you are unhappy and married, you have a responsibility to communicate this with your partner like a mature adult, and leave if you aren’t happy. If we’re bring honest, people stay with their partners while having affairs because they want the best of both worlds before ensuring they have a safe landing in the affair, and I find it obscene.

As a side note, it baffles me how any woman would want a man prepared to walk away from his own children so easily and never look back (as they often do). The cognitive dissonance that you could be next is astounding.

Do you actually mean official relationships that started from affairs (where the married/attached partner or partners have actually left their respective partners to be together) though? Or do you just mean relationships that are secret affairs for the whole duration of the relationship? Because only 3% of affairs resulting in going public, becoming an official couple and lasting long term would sound quite plausible to me. Lots of people have repeated brief affairs (or long ones) but never leave their spouse. Probably the vast majority actually.

But to say that only 3% of relationships that started as affairs work out long term sounds unlikely to me. I don't think 97% of people who leave their spouse for an affair partner go through all that upheaval and stress only to break up shortly afterwards anyway. It certainly doesn't match the experiences and observations of many on this thread.

I know a relative who had been the OE for over 30 years. It ended when he passed away. He never left his wife.

But if she thought all that isn't that on him for not being clear, not telling the truth?

Yes I know of three couples that are still together after 20 years all had affairs and married ow certainly not unheard of

I thankfully have a lovely Dh, but I have an ex-boyfriend from 25 years ago who is, best I can tell, still married to the woman he cheated on me with (well, one of several he cheated on me with!). He also had about a 5 year affair with someone else in the early years of their marriage (when they were going through infertility treatment, btw). I can’t imagine he hasn’t cheated more after that, but I moved away a long time ago and we no longer have any mutual friends. They are still together though, so yes, it ‘worked out’ on the surface, but only if you consider wasting your life married to a cheating loser ‘working out’.

How do you possibly know how they feel?

How what you did impacted them, their view on relationships, the work they had to do to "move on" and work out as a result of your actions?

You don't.

It's like anything in life when a persons actions cause harm to someone else. The natural instinct is to downplay it to make their internal feelings about their behaviour more bareable.

What exactly has anything you listed got to do with their decision to have an affair? Does all of that undo the fact they started their relationship as one?

Was every one absolutely over the moon who was impacted by their decision? Waved them of on their merry way and said no harm done?

An affair is one life's most inherently selfish acts a person can undertake. Being a millionaire who donates to charity and has a shed load of kids and grandchildren doesn't change that.

@MsCactus
Your stats aren't altogether very useful.

They refer to the % of affairs that end in marriage. But the vast majority of people in affairs have no intention of getting married. The vast majority of people having affairs want to remain married AND have the affair. If the marriage breaks down there is no likelihood of these affairs ending up lasting.

The stat you are looking for is for how many permanent relationships that start as affairs last more than say 10 years. That is, how many affairs that people choose to leave their partners for, result in long unions.

@Tink3rbell30

Nope I've clearly said many times it's my own opinions and experiences so don't try the false patronising act again. Very odd.
Yes but sweetheart, meant kindly, your experience is just that. Your experience. Not fact. Just and no more than YOUR experience

Yep exactly.

As far as I know King Charles is much happier with Camilla than he ever was with Diana - can't say I'm an expert on the situation though.

I know someone who cheated on a long term girlfriend (together 5+ years, lived together) on a one night stand and the woman got pregnant. This woman was a friend of the couple.

Him and the woman have been married for 20 odd years now, with two subsequent children.

You miss the point. Why should someone's entire life be defined by how their marriage started? Why does it mean that those people are somehow deserving of divine justice when they have spent the last 40 years living fulfilled and good lives?
The person I was replying to is convinced that everyone who has affairs deserves the life they get. I can only assume that my friends deserve the excellent life they have had.

People, their lives and relationships are a lot more complex than the simple binary of them either being good or evil.

Cheaters deserve a prison sentence.

I'm sorry that you are going through that right now. Being cheated on is hard to deal with and brings up all sorts of complex emotions and heart breaking situations.

Many people in this thread have been cheated on, myself included, or indeed have cheated but I don't see anyone making light of it. What I do see is a lot of people who have come through the other side of a cheating relationship and have moved on with their own lives.

The people we haven't much heard from are those who were the OW/OM and took the crumbs, sat a home putting their lives on hold for someone who is just having a bit on the side and not caring about their spouse/partner or AP because that happens a lot in affairs, empty promises that are never fulfilled. Even if the spouse discovers the affair quite a few stay together in the end. I honestly don't understand why people accept the crumbs as APs but then few would understand why I stayed with a cheater too

As I said in a previous post people are complex.

The only thing anyone can take from this thread is that it really hurts when a relationship you are in breaks down.

As far as I’m aware, my ex & my ex friend are now married and have been for a while.
I hope they’re living the lives they deserve

You really need to list your sources. If you search hard enough with Google you can usually find “research” that will back up practically any claim, no matter how ridiculous.

Affairs are just a fact of life. What many people don't appreciate is the vast majority of mammals, and nearly all primates, are polygynous. Indeed, the majority of human civilisations had a polygynous structure - monogamy is really a new concept for human societies, and its has largely flourished due to civilisations who adopt this structure outcompeting polygynous societies.

So yes, men will typically seek a greater number of sexual opportunities and women will typically seek partners with greater resources, and these behaviours are far more hard wired than people realise.

I’m renting temporarily while in the middle of a sale. It’s a huge beautiful house where the landlady is renting two rooms. A man came to see the other room and the LL wanted me to meet him to make sure I was happy. We were all chatting etc and poor man started crying because he’s separating from his wife and has two children. I started crying because I felt so sad for him and the children.

the landlady said bring the children wherever you want. There are two large TV rooms, huge kitchen area , hang out with them, cook for them etc.

I’ve seen his young Ukrainian girlfriend twice , but he’s yet to bring his children.

I've just googled and got 25% succeed
https://aboutaffairs.com/can-relationships-that-start-as-affairs-succeed/

Maybe those relationships that start with affairs keep it quiet. And don't do questionnaires about it?

But where is his karma? The man is getting on a bit now, about time his karma came. <<<<sarcasm in case anyone thinks I'm being serious.