Has my husband crossed a line?

[Karibukiti]

My husband and I have 2 children ages 3 and 5 and differ in our parenting approach. If the children are in a good mood he can be an excellent dad, playing Lego / drawing / wresting / making dens with them - all the stuff they love.
However, if he is feeling stressed or they do something that displeases him, it’s as if a switch flips and he is a different person. His expression changes, he shouts at / ignores them, and it’s like treading on eggshells around him. A few times he has done things I feel have crossed a line:

• Aggressively told them to shut up
• Thrown a toy at our 3 year old’s back after he threw it at him
• Flicked our 3 year old’s face after our 3 year old hit him
• Dragged our crying 5 year old into the bathroom after he lost patience with him for not getting dressed
• Called them disgusting / babies / told them they stink (in an aggressive tone) when they have accidents

I always comfort the boys when I see this kind of behaviour, stick up for them, tell them it’s not right, and ask my husband to take a moment to calm down. I don’t want to undermine his parenting but equally I don’t want to tolerate any kind of shaming or aggression towards them.

When we talk about it afterwards, he is very reluctant to do so, makes jokes about it / places the blame entirely on the kids. He also says all parents lose their temper sometimes and I’m being over the top. I’ve asked him to access counselling/offered to attend couples counselling with him (he can get this free and confidentially through work) but he always says “yes yes when I’m ready” but is never ready/it’s never the right time to talk about it.

I said I need to talk to someone (a friend, my sister, my mum) about this (he’s always lovely in front of them) but he said if I do this, he’ll leave.

I just don’t know what to do. Things are fine now, but I’m worried about the next time.

Yes. You need to leave him.

He’s abusive and that kind of shit just won’t get better.

Tell your mum and then let him leave.
He's a nasty bully.
Don't let your children grow up being treated like this.
Let me guess, you change your behaviour to avoid setting him off too?

Don't be the person who teaches your children abuse is forgivable. Would you stay if he was throwing things at your back or dragging you to the bathroom or flicking you in the face?

This isn't just unacceptable it's actively dangerous to your children and very scary. He could seriously hurt a child throwing something at them! Of course he doesn't want you to talk to anyone because he knows it is 100% wrong.

He is absolutely horrible. Please don’t inflict this abuse on your children.

He’s bullying ur children. And creating an environment where they don’t know if it’s Disney dad or abusive dad. You know what to do.

Shocking. Please leave this awful, abusive human. Your children don't deserve to live like this, and you don't either.

Please don't accept this as it will only get worse and cause the kids emotional damage (speaking from experience). They may also grow to resent you for allowing it. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's true.

Simple- tell him you will leave him if he doesn’t. Children always come first. The poster above me has got it right. My mum enabled this behaviour from my father as she stayed with him with him not changing his behaviour, I don’t know why but I actually view her in a poorer light than him now due to it.

A good barometer of this is would you allow anyone else to treat your children like that? A nursery worker? A school teacher? A sports coach? A grandparent?

If the answer is "No" then it's not ok for the parent to be doing it either.

You need to leave, he isn't going to change and doesn't see this as wrong. There is no where else to go with it so you need to pack DC and you up and move elsewhere if he won't leave himself.

He says he'll leave? Great - let him. And if he won't voluntarily, then you throw him out. Your children, and you, deserve better than a violent bully in your lives. You need to show your children that they are worth more than this and that you will protect them - taking no action, or just comforting them while waiting for the next time, teaches them that they aren't safe and that this is what they deserve. They deserve to be happy and safe.

Just to add op - I'm sorry that he has put you in this position, but it is your job to protect your children , and in keeping his secrets you are allowing this to go on. You must find help and make them safe from him.

What is your set up at home , is it your house? His? Is it joint? Do you have family you can go to live safely? Lots to think about.

Generally speaking if you’re asking if he’s crossed a line it’s because you know he has, but his response is making you doubt your own judgement. You know throwing things and physically reacting to your children isn’t ok, it’s also not ok for him to tell you you can’t speak to anyone about it. He’s going that because he knows you’ll be supported in your views and he might find himself being challenged by others. All of that is abusive and controlling, what you do with that information is for you to decide.

Insist he gets counselling, he hasn't ruled it out, but it needs to be done now, not later.
He threatens to leave if you confide in your mum/sister/family, because he knows his behaviour isn't right.
He can change it, but he needs help in doing so.

How can you be with someone who is so abusive to his children?
you need to leave him for the sake of your kids. What a rotten way to grow up

I voted YABU on the basis of your comment about not undermining his parenting.
He's horrible. He needs to leave.

• Aggressively told them to shut up
• Thrown a toy at our 3 year old’s back after he threw it at him
• Flicked our 3 year old’s face after our 3 year old hit him
• Dragged our crying 5 year old into the bathroom after he lost patience with him for not getting dressed
• Called them disgusting / babies / told them they stink (in an aggressive tone) when they have accidents

If he did these things to you, would you find them abusive?

You are witnessing your children being abused.
If he was confident this was correct he wouldn't mind you talking about it.
He knows well he is bullying those poor children.
Talk to 101 and see what they say.
Your poor boys.
How terrifying for them.

Tell him it is a good idea if he leaves the home as you need space.
Hopefully your children will say something to ssomeoneat school that will trigger SS involvement.
They are being physically abused and need protecting.

This is not losing his temper. This is abuse. It is physical abuse to throw things at children. It is physical abuse to flick children in the face. It is physical abuse to drag children into another room. It is emotional abuse to shame children for having accidents. You need to get your children away from this man. Talk to your friends and family, tell everybody and let him leave, him leaving is the only way to protect your children. If he’s like this when the children are 3 and 5, little more than babies, what will he be like as they get older? Abuse always gets worse. His temper will escalate, he will harm the children in more and more extreme ways. Your children will live with the emotional scars and memories of his abuse for life, get them out now.

He’s highly abusive to your boys and yes you need to leave him.

He's awful. Your poor kids.

He doesn't want you to talk to anyone because he knows it'll sound bad. It is bad. Flicking a small child's face? He's supposed to be the adult and should act like one. He needs to go. Having no dad is better for your kids than this.

Your dc will see you as party to his abuse if you stay. Think on will your dc resent you if you leave and 'break up your family' or resent you for staying? I left when dh was verbally abusive and broke stuff in front of the dc.... Ds 32 still has therapy.

It's one thing to do it - some people were brought up with physical punishment and think it's ok and need to learn otherwise. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. I've definitely told my kids to shut up, shouted at them and got frustrated with them when they've soiled themselves for the nth time that day. He does sound particularly aggressive in his actions however.

But it's another thing to refuse to try to work on yourself or threaten to leave if it's discussed. He's not willing to grow, learn or do better. He is not taking any responsibility for his actions or showing any remorse - in fact he's trying to blame the kids. So I don't think there's any hope he'll improve.