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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has my husband crossed a line?

153 replies

Karibukiti · 03/01/2025 11:53

My husband and I have 2 children ages 3 and 5 and differ in our parenting approach. If the children are in a good mood he can be an excellent dad, playing Lego / drawing / wresting / making dens with them - all the stuff they love.
However, if he is feeling stressed or they do something that displeases him, it’s as if a switch flips and he is a different person. His expression changes, he shouts at / ignores them, and it’s like treading on eggshells around him. A few times he has done things I feel have crossed a line:

  • Aggressively told them to shut up
  • Thrown a toy at our 3 year old’s back after he threw it at him
  • Flicked our 3 year old’s face after our 3 year old hit him
  • Dragged our crying 5 year old into the bathroom after he lost patience with him for not getting dressed
  • Called them disgusting / babies / told them they stink (in an aggressive tone) when they have accidents

I always comfort the boys when I see this kind of behaviour, stick up for them, tell them it’s not right, and ask my husband to take a moment to calm down. I don’t want to undermine his parenting but equally I don’t want to tolerate any kind of shaming or aggression towards them.

When we talk about it afterwards, he is very reluctant to do so, makes jokes about it / places the blame entirely on the kids. He also says all parents lose their temper sometimes and I’m being over the top. I’ve asked him to access counselling/offered to attend couples counselling with him (he can get this free and confidentially through work) but he always says “yes yes when I’m ready” but is never ready/it’s never the right time to talk about it.

I said I need to talk to someone (a friend, my sister, my mum) about this (he’s always lovely in front of them) but he said if I do this, he’ll leave.

I just don’t know what to do. Things are fine now, but I’m worried about the next time.

OP posts:
Wordau · 03/01/2025 12:12

If you leave, he'll still get custody presumably so it's in your interests and the interests of your DC that he gets support to change regardless.

The council near me offers parenting courses. May be a good place to start.

Reugny · 03/01/2025 12:12

I said I need to talk to someone (a friend, my sister, my mum) about this (he’s always lovely in front of them) but he said if I do this, he’ll leave.

You need to leave. Get your ducks in a row and do it carefully as you will be allowing your kids to visit an abusive father without your presence.

Also if you are allowed to talk to anyone you choose about what is going on in your life without his permission and without telling him. Due to his threats choose who you talk to carefully and preferably someone who doesn't know him.

etonmessedup · 03/01/2025 12:14

The last one broke my heart. This is AWFUL, you're not underplaying it, you need to leave

Imgoingtobefree · 03/01/2025 12:15

I think you need to think strategically about how you can get him to deal with his anger issues.

Probably the first thing is to present some kind of proof (book, online article) that an angry parent can damage their child. He needs reminding that he is the adult and all children have difficulty managing their own emotions and behaviour and that it is completely normal.

If this is an issue for him because of his childhood then that may make it difficult for him to face up to his behaviour. Do you notice him being angry at others (you?), or in other situations? I agree that access to free counselling with his work should be followed up on. Can he explain to you why he is ‘not ready’?

Obviously, you may ultimately feel the only way to solve this is to leave him, but I would suggest to keep trying to convince him to do the therapy/counselling.

If this is the only problem you have with him it may be worth it to keep trying.

I expect he would be much happier if he could control his anger and frustrations, so it would benefit him as well as you and the children.

He is obviously being an arse, but he may not be able to help himself (yet) if this is because of his own childhood.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 03/01/2025 12:15

@Karibukiti your poor kids should not be subjected to this abuse!!! why are you watching him and allowing him to do this??????

MounjaroOnMyMind · 03/01/2025 12:17

Get those poor children away from this abusive man as fast as you can. Tell your family what he's really like. Don't cover up for him.

FriendsDrinkBook · 03/01/2025 12:18

@Imgoingtobefree he can control his anger. He's CHOOSING to take it out on people less than half his size rather than his boss , his mates etc. Wake up.

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 03/01/2025 12:22

He is abusive and this is no way for anyone to live. He threatens to leave if you tell anyone because he knows he’s a fucking monster and he knows how it would look. Doesn’t mean he feels guilty about it, if he did he’d stop/do whatever it took to change his behaviour.

One of the things that can break the cycle of abuse is to talk about it. Keeping it quiet gives him so much power to continue.

Betchyaby · 03/01/2025 12:24

I said I need to talk to someone (a friend, my sister, my mum) about this (he’s always lovely in front of them) but he said if I do this, he’ll leave.

Let the cunt leave then. Or will you continue to let him bully your young children?

LongDarkTeatime · 03/01/2025 12:27

Please tell your DH that he is either ready now for counselling/ intervention or he can pack a bag and wait to be ‘ready’ somewhere else. Your DC’s needs have to come first.

Wheresthebeach · 03/01/2025 12:27

You are married to an abuser. Save your children.

barelyholdingon · 03/01/2025 12:27

I was that child. It never gets better, it only gets worse. The last thing my father did to me before I reported him to the police at the age of 15 was dragging me by the hair to the bathroom where he repeatedly slammed my head against the toilet before trying to drown me. Please leave him.

PinkyFlamingo · 03/01/2025 12:27

He's physically and emotionally abusing your children.

DysmalRadius · 03/01/2025 12:27

So he knows that what he is doing is wrong and abusive and, to stop you telling anyone, he's threatening to leave, which is, in itself, abusive. He sounds like he will carry on until your children have no self esteem and, as they get older, they will shut down and cut ties.

Bleachbum · 03/01/2025 12:29

You need to leave. What happens when the boys get older and start being real terrors? Will he hit them then? What about when they are teens and start arguing back? Will he start throwing fists?

It should be a parents natural instinct not to hurt their child. He doesn’t have that. He is a danger to your children.

iamawarriorwhojustcrieseasily · 03/01/2025 12:29

It is normal to lose your temper. We are all human, it's not normal to lash out and respond with such anger that we put our hands on our children. Your husband is abusive, and a bully. He is not coping with controlling his emotional reactions and that's scary at this age. What you describe is normal behaviour for the ages you have, and if he is this reactive now, god knows what he will be like when they get older and the normal ( but far more complex ) challenges come your way. If he is not open to the fact that you only stay in control of the situation while you are in control of yourself ( the very very basics of parenting ) then he isn't safe to be around your children.

Tell your Mum. She needs to know. You need extra eyes that are not tinted. If you don't feel you can leave them, don't leave him alone with your kids until he has done some courses. But i, and a lot of other women would have had his stuff in the garden the first time he laid a finger/insulted my child out of anger. Along with reporting to the police, even just for the log. Family court may need it. Everything you have described is assault.

Trauma, under the age of 5 permanently changes the brain. He has absolutely no idea the damage he is doing throwing his weight about and using words intended to shame. You're their mother, and there's a reason "failure to protect" has been written into legislation.

Protect your kids.

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/01/2025 12:31

You need to leave. No brainer.

DaisyChain505 · 03/01/2025 12:32

For the love of God leave NOW.

Your children do not deserve this.

GoldenPond88 · 03/01/2025 12:33

This doesn’t seem very extreme parental behaviour to me as someone born in the 1960s. Were the posters who say it is unacceptable not treated like that themselves? I’m wondering when attitudes changed.

Rocksaltrita · 03/01/2025 12:33

Can you film him being like this?

Superscientist · 03/01/2025 12:33

As soon as someone tells you not to tell it's a huge red flag that you must tell.

MzHz · 03/01/2025 12:36

The kids are little.

imagine when they’re older. Tricky teens?

get yourself and the kids out of this asap. Make a plan and see it through

AnneShirleysNewDress · 03/01/2025 12:37

The fact he has told you he'll leave if you tell anyone speaks volumes. He knows he's abusive and that everyone else will see it too.

Don’t allow this to continue. You wouldn't accept this behaviour towards your children from anyone else so you definitely shouldn't tolerate it from their father. You and your children deserve better.

Superscientist · 03/01/2025 12:38

GoldenPond88 · 03/01/2025 12:33

This doesn’t seem very extreme parental behaviour to me as someone born in the 1960s. Were the posters who say it is unacceptable not treated like that themselves? I’m wondering when attitudes changed.

I was treated like this by my mum. I was born in the 80s but it continued into adulthood.
I was 21 the last time and I vowed on that day to distance myself from her. Our relationship since has been one way and I know I can't trust her or her temper, I have never loved her.
She also permitted my younger sister to treat me in the same way and ignored when the violence got worse probably because she could hardly judge a 8 year old for behaving in exactly the same way as the adult in charge

MzHz · 03/01/2025 12:40

GoldenPond88 · 03/01/2025 12:33

This doesn’t seem very extreme parental behaviour to me as someone born in the 1960s. Were the posters who say it is unacceptable not treated like that themselves? I’m wondering when attitudes changed.

Yes, attitudes have changed.

its no longer de rigeur to take your belt to a child, caning isn’t the done thing either, nor hitting in any way.

playground swings won’t give you a head injury and we all have to wear seat belts and have our kids in child seats. Gone are the days of piling kids in footwells, in boots or loose in back of van/estate car.

come on… surely you’re old enough to have the brain cells to know that we’ve evolved as a society?

i also survived the 70s childhood. This op is still horrifying to read.