Has my husband crossed a line?

[Karibukiti]

My husband and I have 2 children ages 3 and 5 and differ in our parenting approach. If the children are in a good mood he can be an excellent dad, playing Lego / drawing / wresting / making dens with them - all the stuff they love.
However, if he is feeling stressed or they do something that displeases him, it’s as if a switch flips and he is a different person. His expression changes, he shouts at / ignores them, and it’s like treading on eggshells around him. A few times he has done things I feel have crossed a line:

• Aggressively told them to shut up
• Thrown a toy at our 3 year old’s back after he threw it at him
• Flicked our 3 year old’s face after our 3 year old hit him
• Dragged our crying 5 year old into the bathroom after he lost patience with him for not getting dressed
• Called them disgusting / babies / told them they stink (in an aggressive tone) when they have accidents

I always comfort the boys when I see this kind of behaviour, stick up for them, tell them it’s not right, and ask my husband to take a moment to calm down. I don’t want to undermine his parenting but equally I don’t want to tolerate any kind of shaming or aggression towards them.

When we talk about it afterwards, he is very reluctant to do so, makes jokes about it / places the blame entirely on the kids. He also says all parents lose their temper sometimes and I’m being over the top. I’ve asked him to access counselling/offered to attend couples counselling with him (he can get this free and confidentially through work) but he always says “yes yes when I’m ready” but is never ready/it’s never the right time to talk about it.

I said I need to talk to someone (a friend, my sister, my mum) about this (he’s always lovely in front of them) but he said if I do this, he’ll leave.

I just don’t know what to do. Things are fine now, but I’m worried about the next time.

I grew up in the latter half of the 70s. No one ever hit/flicked me, threw things at me, or dragged me anywhere. It is wholly unacceptable. We were hardly even shouted at.

Yes he has crossed a line. That is awful. He knows he is in the wrong. Tell your family. Let him leave. Do it for your two children. It’s difficult I know but he is an abusive father. I don’t think people change. Protect your children.

You don't want to undermine his parenting? Are you kidding?? He's abusive. He's being abusive to your two little children. You need to leave him and do everything possible to keep him away from your boys. He knows exactly what he's doing, he knows it's wrong and he doesn't care. Why do you think he doesn't want you to talk to anyone else about this? Please stop allowing your children to be subjected to any more of this abuse.

I thought this too.

@Karibukiti your h knows what he’s doing and he’s manipulating you to NOT stop him.

tell him to leave so you can speak to whoever the fuck you’d like to tell about his treatment of little kids.

THEN, you’ll be speaking to lawyers and child protection officials and police if he doesn’t do what YOU tell him.

Never said this on here before but this man is an abuser and you need to LTB

He's abusing your children

There's no hope for him. There can be for them, but not if you stay.

He is a nasty bully

No need to be so spiteful. I don’t find it horrifying to read and I assumed that alot of children were treated that way or worse.

He is evidently aware that his behaviour is unacceptable, and I believe it is necessary to call his bluff and consult with someone. If he ultimately leaves without seeking any help, would truly be such a bad thing?

fliks a toddler in the face drags them around? time to go

He is abusing your children. No child should ever be dragged. OP you need to get your children to safety. If this carries on social services will come knocking.

@Karibukiti wow wow wow
He knows his behaviour is wrong as he “Will leave of you talk to anyone “
He also doesn’t want to change it .

I was going to ask when you are leaving him but once you tell your mum hopefully that will be job done!

Seriously ? Can you leave, end it ?

Your poor kids he is a nasty nasty bully

"I said I need to talk to someone (a friend, my sister, my mum) about this (he’s always lovely in front of them) but he said if I do this, he’ll leave."

Good! Let him leave. Get that child abuser out of your home.

You should tell him: that you can’t cover for him anymore, and he clearly knows it’s serious enough behaviour that he really doesn’t want you to tell anyone, as he doesn’t want them to judge him. Tell him that this tells you is he knows it’s not ok but doesn’t care enough about his children to try and change, and you can’t accept this for your children and you can’t live with this. So you will be talking to your mum and friends and if he wants to leave because of that then that sounds like the best thing for the children.

I had a DF like this. Never knowing what kind of mood he was in or reaction you'd have from him for the SLIGHTEST of things.

I'm in my 50's now and my mental health is still affected by his behaviour.

Please speak to your DH so that he finds help with his behaviour or leave him otherwise your boys will have a lifetime of issues.

I voted YABU - YABU for even having to ask the question and not getting your children away from this abusive fucker. How can you not see this?

This is awful. You need to leave. Not only is it highly damaging to the children and will mess them up for life, the school may see marks at some point and report to social services, so you risk losing them if you don't walk away from the abuser now.

Exactly, as soon as they are at school and one of them tells the teacher an example of what "Daddy did to me", they will have to start the safeguarding process.

Sorry op. He’s abusive.

Same. You really need to protect them.

Flicking children in the face and throwing things at them is disgusting behavior, he needs to act his age. You need to leave to protect your children. This is abuse.

So he will leave if you speak to someone? That’s blackmail. And he only behaves like this with smaller, weaker, vulnerable children? That’s abuse. You need to call his bluff I think. If he leaves, he leaves. But you can’t allow your children to be abused like this op. If you continue to do so, that’s on you.

"I said I need to talk to someone (a friend, my sister, my mum) about this (he’s always lovely in front of them) but he said if I do this, he’ll leave."

Let him leave. He knows what he's doing is wrong and doesn't want anyone else to know what an abusive shithouse he is.

I think this is why so many abusers get away with it - their partner/family etc can't/won't believe it, especially as many abusers have their 'good' or charming side and manipulate their partner.

Let him leave , Talk to as many people as you want

And to add to my previous comments. I grew up with a father like this. If he's like this with them now, trust me, the physical "discipline" will escalate as they get older. I'm mentally scarred from the beatings I took as a child. I ended up with an abusive husband too, because it was normal to me.

Do you want your precious boys to become abusers? Of course you don't, so get this abuser out of their lives asap. Supervised contact only.