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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has my husband crossed a line?

153 replies

Karibukiti · 03/01/2025 11:53

My husband and I have 2 children ages 3 and 5 and differ in our parenting approach. If the children are in a good mood he can be an excellent dad, playing Lego / drawing / wresting / making dens with them - all the stuff they love.
However, if he is feeling stressed or they do something that displeases him, it’s as if a switch flips and he is a different person. His expression changes, he shouts at / ignores them, and it’s like treading on eggshells around him. A few times he has done things I feel have crossed a line:

  • Aggressively told them to shut up
  • Thrown a toy at our 3 year old’s back after he threw it at him
  • Flicked our 3 year old’s face after our 3 year old hit him
  • Dragged our crying 5 year old into the bathroom after he lost patience with him for not getting dressed
  • Called them disgusting / babies / told them they stink (in an aggressive tone) when they have accidents

I always comfort the boys when I see this kind of behaviour, stick up for them, tell them it’s not right, and ask my husband to take a moment to calm down. I don’t want to undermine his parenting but equally I don’t want to tolerate any kind of shaming or aggression towards them.

When we talk about it afterwards, he is very reluctant to do so, makes jokes about it / places the blame entirely on the kids. He also says all parents lose their temper sometimes and I’m being over the top. I’ve asked him to access counselling/offered to attend couples counselling with him (he can get this free and confidentially through work) but he always says “yes yes when I’m ready” but is never ready/it’s never the right time to talk about it.

I said I need to talk to someone (a friend, my sister, my mum) about this (he’s always lovely in front of them) but he said if I do this, he’ll leave.

I just don’t know what to do. Things are fine now, but I’m worried about the next time.

OP posts:
Betchyaby · 06/01/2025 18:52

Karibukiti · 06/01/2025 11:03

Little update:

I really appreciate everyone’s perspectives on this and it’s been massively helpful in solidifying my opinion that I have to act now.

I sat down and had a long talk with him and although he can’t admit that he has done anything wrong, I think on some level he knows and feels ashamed. He agreed to attend couple’s counselling with me which I have now arranged through my work.

A few people mentioned his upbringing and they’re right - he didn’t have the best role models himself. His dad was absent and his mum could be very strict. It’s not going to be straightforward.

He can’t admit that he has done anything wrong.
In my experience people who don't own up to being wrong do so because they don't believe they are in the wrong. You can't break a bad habit if you don't recognise it as such.

He didn’t have the best role models himself. His dad was absent and his mum could be very strict.
This is the view your DC will have of him. It is generational trauma and that has to be broken now.

Hopefully the counselling works out for you, just be prepared to put your children first if it doesn't.

iamawarriorwhojustcrieseasily · 07/01/2025 01:08

Jengat · 05/01/2025 08:01

It's not great, but it seems it's in response to your son's bad behaviour so I assume it's an attempt to discipline. I only have DDs and they are a delight and obviously I would never physically hurt them. However, I see so many feral, disrespectful boys in their classes who are scared of nothing and cause chaos, as their parents are much too soft. So in one way I think your H is right to bring your son to heel if he's throwing and hitting.

My nephew is a thrower/hitter/aggressive child. My sister and her husband are lovely people so it didn't come from watching them, he was just born violent and annoying as many boys appear to be. it's continued on to where he ruins days out and terrorises other children and I've often secretly wished his lovely father would put some fear in him instead of "gentle hands" as a toddler and weak "no dessert" now he's 8. Some of these boys need hard discipline from what I've observed. Without seeing your family dynamic in person it's impossible to say if your husband is the problem or your child is.

All that said, you're obviously not happy about it and that's absolutely enough to leave if you want to.

And you have made these judgments of him by the age of 8 years old?! Poor boy. I'm not quite sure what you are going on about either. What a horrible and uneducated view on children/parenting.

Your Sister and your husband sound like they are doing perfectly in raising a strongwilled spirited young man. That wont feel the judgement from his parents like he will from their family.

Boys are VERY different from girls.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 07/01/2025 09:08

Jengat · 05/01/2025 08:01

It's not great, but it seems it's in response to your son's bad behaviour so I assume it's an attempt to discipline. I only have DDs and they are a delight and obviously I would never physically hurt them. However, I see so many feral, disrespectful boys in their classes who are scared of nothing and cause chaos, as their parents are much too soft. So in one way I think your H is right to bring your son to heel if he's throwing and hitting.

My nephew is a thrower/hitter/aggressive child. My sister and her husband are lovely people so it didn't come from watching them, he was just born violent and annoying as many boys appear to be. it's continued on to where he ruins days out and terrorises other children and I've often secretly wished his lovely father would put some fear in him instead of "gentle hands" as a toddler and weak "no dessert" now he's 8. Some of these boys need hard discipline from what I've observed. Without seeing your family dynamic in person it's impossible to say if your husband is the problem or your child is.

All that said, you're obviously not happy about it and that's absolutely enough to leave if you want to.

I hope your “delightful” girls grow up to be nightmare teenagers.

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