It's another MIL one (sorry!)

[excluded57]

I will try and keep this brief but give the complete picture without drip feeding but just wonder AIBU to feel completely cut off and left out in this situation?

I am the MIL, my oldest son lives with his wife 30 miles away from us. They got married this year, her parents live round the corner.

They have been together about 6 years, and for the last 5 years every Christmas and New Year has been spent at their house with DIL's immediate family. They bought their house nearly 3 years ago, we were all invited there once and I have visited once on my own briefly since then.

Since the wedding 6 months ago we have seen them 3 times when they came to our house, 2 of which times were to collect their dog which we had looked after for them while they were on holiday and honeymoon.

We went to the wedding, I have 4 other boys (all still at home) and we all suited up and gave them a generous cheque which they appreciated. (I wasn't included in any of the pre wedding "stuff" but OK fair enough, that's not to be expected as a MIL and I didn't make any comment, there were 2 hen do's and I would have loved to have been asked to one but it wasn't to be and I respect that, not a word was said about that other than to my DH). I hope I get on well with my DIL, I always make an effort to be friendly and supportive and try to be the MIL I would like to have.

This Christmas however has been a bit of a revelation, I haven't seen my son or his wife at all since mid November, had a brief Facetime with him on Christmas Day and a text message New Years Eve to thank us for their presents. (Both times they had family with them, her family not any of us sadly).

I don't want to interfere, I wait to be invited, particularly as there are 6 of us if all of us are asked which is a lot to accommodate even for a short visit, but this Christmas has been a killer and I suppose it has given me a taste of how things will be in the future if they have children, I will have very little chance to bond with any GC if things stay as they are.

I get the old adage about a son is a son until he gets a wife, but I am so hurt. I did text him after he asked his brother if I was OK because I had only briefly replied to the NYE text. So I simply said I was sad we never see them, and got an essay about they have been busy and they get fed up of always coming to us (unless of course it is to drop off or collect their dog ...... yet they never ever ask us there, other than a BBQ in the summer which happened to be the day after I buried my mum so I didn't feel like going to that and explained why and thought they understood) I really don't think he gets the issue somehow, I did say to him I don't expect regular visits but the odd phone call would be appreciated. (There was a bit more I could have said, like saying we are never invited or they don't mind travelling here if there is free dog care but I didn't, I wanted to avoid an argument)

How on earth do other MILs in this situation cope?? It is heartbreaking and I am struggling to accept that this side of the family is definitely right down the pecking order ....... Words of wisdom will be hugely appreciated x

A lot of husbands go for the “happy wife, happy life” mantra :)

Why would you not invite her, ever? That's bizarre.

Actually that's a thought. Do you suggest doing things just the two couples? Dinner, drinks, coffee etc.

Or is it always all six of you?

So you have dogs and they have a dog, why not suggest meeting half way and walking the dogs in a nice park etc. Afterwards you can stop in pub for a coffee/cake etc. Doesn't have to be about sitting in each other's houses.

It works for us. I find it bizarre that parents have to wait for an invite to see their children.

Your sons are very rude. They wait days to get back to you? A text takes seconds.

OP, how did you keep in touch with your son before he had a gf / moved in with her / got married? Did something change when she was on the scene or has spending time together always been a bit strained?

Is he in touch with any of his brothers? (Separately from you?) Did he ever spend time with any of them individually once he left home? Do they play football / video games / walk the family dogs together without you?

I think it must be quite hard to forge an adult-to-adult relationship with your parents when they have your four younger brothers at home - much easier to visit you all at once and revert immediately back into oldest son/brother mode. But that will be very uncomfortable now he’s married. Perhaps he prefers the version of himself that’s an independent adult rather than the version he was when he was “oldest son” of 5 and living with you all, and he is struggling to find a way to bridge the two. I know my parents seem constantly startled that I am different as a 40 year old than I was at 18, and my relationship with them and with my (younger) sister is different as well.

What do you miss about him? I would lead with that, gently. Definitely not about which family he sees more often or why he doesn’t visit more or why you never see DIL. e.g. “I miss our chats about Traitors, it’s not the same watching it with DH! Shall we meet up for coffee soon and we can dissect the latest series?” Or just text him while it’s on. That’s obviously just an example - your things will be different. Maybe you used to chat about books or how his team was doing or go walking/hiking/swimming.

(My own mum gave little indication of missing my company or wanting to see me much until we had a child, when she very suddenly started to miss me immensely. It was hard not to feel like a grandchild delivery unit.)

Op I think you need to be more blunt.
Tell your son you really missed him this Xmas and would it be possible to see him at some point over next Xmas.
Invite them to yours say you understand dil will want to spend some time with her family so perhaps Xmas day with you and leave early boxing day.

Invite them over as well in the meantime and say you would like to see him mkre.

Very interesting thread, as a mum of 2 boys I’ve taken some tips from it too. Hope all goes well this year OP with a new more proactive approach in your relationship with your adult son & his wife.

@Serriadh very good post.

Agree it's hurtful when parents don't bother with you until you have a child.

If that is the case then my whole family are rude. I feel It is rude to interrupt someone with a text, expect them to stop what they are doing to get back to you.

Well maybe that works for them? Different strokes.

It's not working in this case though. I can understand where the OP is coming from though - she doesn't want to push herself in.

If her son and DIL had an ounce of self-awareness, they would see how they are using his parents as dogsitters and not bothering their backsides otherwise!

That's not how texting works...

I have no idea what that means

I can tell...🙄

Sending a text, unless a phone is on silent, will "interrupt" whatever a person is doing. Whether or not they choose to respond to that text is up to them. Some people will reply immediately, while others will wait until they're free.

Most of us don't leave it for days though. I have higher expectations of my YP. They usually reply pretty quickly, as I do to them.

Your son held a BBQ on the day his grandmother was being buried? Did he not attend the funeral?

I think OP said the day after but still a bit heartless.

It's not an either/or. In most relationships you invite some of the time, get invited some of the time, and visit spontaneously some of the time.

I just find it odd that on 25 years you've never said anything like 'would you like to come round for Sunday lunch tomorrow?'

Definitely try the proactive. Hi honey, dh and I would like to come visit, does a lunch or dinner suit next weekend? And next Christmas, assuming he doesn’t ghost you all year, come mid November you phone and say hi we’d all like to see you this Christmas and exchange presents in person, last year you seemed too busy between Christmas and new year, so if you can’t do a lunch then let’s do one a week before Christmas at ours?

I often initiate contact with my 3 adult married sons, and their families. They are very busy getting on with life and time passes so quickly! Stop pussyfooting about and arrange to go see them!

We'll have to agree to differ. As I said, I find it odd that it's necessary. But then I grew up in an immigrant family where the house was open to anyone, all the time. People would walk in, sit themselves down and be fed. Relatives, friends, neighbours, the postman. The vicar turned up at breakfast at least once a week as he loved a bacon butty but he wife gave him grief over them, we were sworn to secrecy.

As the DIL in a situation similar to this, I will just say this. You know where your son and his wife live. If you want to see them more often, why don’t you call and say ‘can I pop round at the weekend?’

My MIL is exactly the same as this. We live a 10 minute drive away and I could count the time my in laws have been round our house (that we’ve had for 9 years) on one hand. We are always expected to make the effort to go there but it’s never reciprocated, and to top it off we are never invited for dinner or never invited on days out or on holiday. I spent a lot of my time including them when my son was a baby, I invited them to so many places and they were never interested in coming, so the only time we see them now is when I say to my husband ‘I think we should go and see your parents’. - he’s also an only child which makes it worse. It feels really forced and like they don’t really want us there as there is no effort back to keep the relationship alive.

My parents on the other hand, invite us round for dinner every week unless they are away. They don’t pop round ours very often because we go to them every week but they will do so on occasion if we haven’t been round for a little while, and my mum will call me or my husband every couple of days if she hasn’t heard from us. We go on day trips, holidays. We have never been a close family either so it’s not like I’m in my parents pocket.

We have Christmas Day at home since having our son, but every year my mum will always say ‘do you want to come for Christmas dinner?, even though she knows we won’t, she will always invite us. Don’t hear anything from the in laws. I feel sorry for my husband more than anything because he is an only child and the poor effort they put in to seeing him is really quite upsetting.

Why do MIL expect everyone to make such an effort to see them when they aren’t willing to put the same amount of effort in. I’m at the stage where I’m not going at all anymore unless we are invited. It will be interesting to see how long it is until we see them this year.

Who are the people who think a text only takes seconds? Text conversations are not one in one out. Also people rarely have just one contact among friend or family. Surely it is better to wait a few days to allow time for a conversation to be given full attention.

I can’t believe my family is unique in not expecting an imminent response.

I think you need to ask when they are free to catch up, and say you are happy to come to them if that's easier for them. If you're just waiting for an invitation they might think you aren't that bothered

We had this :
Mil: you never invite us over / call me
Us ; just ring us when you want to come and we'll let you know if we're in / phone works both ways / we don't make plans / everyone else does this.

But no - she just wanted something to moan about.