To be so fucking angry that DH woke me up?

[AngeloMysterioso]

We have 3 DC 5 and under including a 14mo who is yet to sleep through the night and is still in our bedroom.

I have a PT job working nights and am also responsible for all school and nursery runs etc. So at most I get maybe 4 hours sleep at night and maybe another 4 on the days when younger two are in nursery and older one is at school.

I am (and I can’t be emphatic enough about this) exhausted. Mentally and physically absolutely fucking exhausted. My right eyelid twitches non stop because I don’t get enough sleep and survive on tea and shitty sugary drinks and convenience food.

A lovely relative of mine offered to have all 3 DC overnight so I could get some sleep. This is a real rarity for us- my PILs have two of the 3 overnight once a week but nights off from all 3 only happen once in a blue moon.

Unfortunately, my body clock being what it is, I can’t make myself go to bed early so was up til my usual time (and DH knew this) but was really looking forward to getting a good long uninterrupted sleep this morning.

Except DH woke me up at 9:15. He was getting ready to go and pick the DC up and wanted to ask me a- if he needed to take any clean clothes for the DC (he literally helped me pack their bag yesterday) b- to double check he just needed to take some of DC’s milk to nursery (we discussed it yesterday) and c- to ask me to tell my relative he was on his way (I told them what time to expect him yesterday and told him that I’d told them).

So basically, there was absolutely no need to wake me up at all. And it’s over an hour later and I’ve been trying but now I’m just too fucking angry to fall asleep, and even if I did it will now be two smaller chunks instead of the long uninterrupted sleep that I was looking forward to and so desperately need. I honestly feel like crying.

YANBU at all to be annoyed, as you’d teed everything up so you didn’t need to be woken.

YABU for thinking one lie in will make all the difference- it sounds like you need some more permanent changes. First port of call - can your DH take any of these early morning school and nursery runs? Can you look for a different job?

How much earlier did he wake you up?

Honestly even lying in bed will do you good.

But you are spread too thin and this is not enough- time for DH to pick up more and let you sleep. And / or get a new job.

I'd be fucking angry too😡 I'm an insomniac so my DH knows that if I'm asleep it better be life and death if you're going to be waking me up. I think you need to make your husband understand just how exhausted you are and make him see how fucking shitty it was to wake you over crap that had already been discussed.

YANBU, it's pathetic that he can't think for himself and make simple decisions.

I really hope you can work out a better routine soon though because you can't carry on like this

That is supremely shit of him. And you need to find a different job.

DH walks DC1 to school two days a week but I still have to get up to look after the other two.

This job isn’t forever, but I do it so that we don’t have to spend a shitload of money on childcare fees/after school clubs etc, and means I can take DC to extra curriculars, playgroups and so on. Younger two are in nursery two days a week and on those days I just sleep between drop off and pick up, but that’s only about 4 hours between getting home and actually managing to fall asleep and getting up to pick DC1 up from school.

What a prick.

Eating properly will make a big difference. And on your nights off go to bed as soon as the kids do and after a bit you will adjust to it.
Save tidying up for the weekends or whichever days DP has off, don't stay up late catching up on that as you'll be more productive prioritising sleep.
Can you drop 1 shift a week, that would hugely increase the amount of sleep you're getting too.

Sorry @AngeloMysterioso but why on EARTH are you working a night shift job - even part time - when you have 3 children under 5?! And then doing all the wifework and childcare on top (seemingly!)

Of course he should have left you in bed, (asleep!) but do you really need this job?! With 3 small children you would very likely get lots of Universal Credit. You could stay at home with them, if only for 5 years (til they're 5 to 10 y.o and a bit more independent and sleeping through etc...)

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Its annoying. The lie in might help even if you cant sleep but only if you can let go of the anger.

One long sleep wouldnt solve your problem. You need to change things for the longer term as you're obviously struggling.

I’d be pissed too. These are all things he should have been able to figure out himself - and you need (when calm) a discussion about him taking on parenting admin. It’s not just about waking you up - it’s taking responsibility for tasks he’s doing.

You also need a better solution for how life is happening. You can’t safely function this exhausted. You won’t be driving safely. Your health is definitely being compromised. You could be a safety risk in your job (depending what you do).

I know it’s not so easy to say just change things. Cause $$$. Cause not everyone has support. But you need to speak with your DP about the effect of current situation on you, and work to find solutions. Maybe he needs to take on some of the school runs. Maybe you need to put kids in after school care. Maybe you need to look at different job arrangements/options for you/him. Maybe you need to be going to bed at 7pm and he does the getting children to bed stuff. Maybe you need to find a way to nap off an afternoon for a couple hours (if you need to lie down with a kids show playing for 2 hours to keep the little one occupied do it!). Maybe you need to see your doctor about your sleep.

If you increased the number of nursery days, would that help?

Also, could your DH not do the nursery runs as well?

It’s all very well to try to avoid using too much childcare but if it’s at the expense of your health, it’s probably not sustainable. You probably aren’t safe to drive a lot of the time, if you are driving.

I had a job that had my eye lid twitching through the stress, but probably also tiredness, of it, and I changed jobs as that was ridiculous.

X post about the driving!

You don’t have to defend what you’re doing that suits your family finances at the moment.

YANBU that your DH did this.

Eating better (as a PP suggested), also won’t help chronic fatigue bought on by life.

I have no suggestions but I’m angry on your behalf.

He acted in a purely selfish and pathetic way. There’s complaint in it: in waking you up to ask those questions, the subtext is “I shouldn’t have to do this and I am irritated it’s been left to me.”

It was more important to him to make that point than let you sleep. YANBU to be angry.

I'm sorry, but adult life IS about choices and getting up early isn't some sort of heroism.

Before I get hate, I was brought up by a high ranking military father and border control director mother in a Communist country!
👍

If i was on the jury I'd aquit you! He should pay for you to have a night in a hotel by yourself

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I'd be so angry too. You have a bigger issue here, in that your current set up is not working for you. You've taken on the full mental load by the sounds of it, which on top of no downtime and lack of sleep is going to destroy you mentally. Is the nightshift job really necessary? I'd be having a conversation with your DH about ways he can step up and help, this may be a case of telling him what you need from him.

Why can't your DH take the younger DCs with him when he walks DC1 to school those 2 mornings? I get it's easier to just take 1 child, but it's a fairly standard thing to need to do and isn't that big a deal to strap the other 2 into a buggy. It sounds like that might make a difference to the amount of rest you get, although I agree with PPs that you need to re-assessing your whole set up.

And FWIW I would be raging about being woken up on a rare lie in too OP, and I'm nowhere near the same category of tired as you (although my lie ins are as infrequent).

DC2 and 3 are in nursery on the days DH has to go into the office, and he goes to the gym beforehand so he’s long gone by the time they wake up.

We are going to be putting DC 2 in nursery one extra day a week soon, but I’ll have to do that drop off as DH wouldn’t be home in time to start work.

I do try and get a nap in between him finishing work and me starting on the one day a week that we both WFH- but that’s only around 90 minutes at most, and I’m usually woken by some loud noise or other at least once in that time.

You are destroying yourself for the good of the family unit, and it needs to stop. There are other solutions to your situation, and you need to find them asap, or you will break. I cannot stress this enough - YOU ARE IMPORTANT. Not because of what you do for the family, not because you are able to ferry around children to activities, not because you make the dinner. You are simply important enough to prioritise in the family because you exist. That's it. You need to believe this, you need to own it, and you need to make some changes.

Kill him! Kill him with fire!
Well maybe not 😁 but make the fucker suffer!
phone him from work at about 3am. Ask him random questions like "can you go count the cornflakes for the children's breakfast?" Or " how many eggs are left? " or "could you go and count my clean knickers in the drawer?"
See how he likes it!
Seriously though, time for a serious talk about how he needs to step up, what you both do, how to work as a team to get through while the children are so small.
If he won't listen, point out that if you divorce him, he will have them every other weekend and you will get to sleep. Ask him how the current set up is better for you?

Oh gosh OP you have all my sympathy because I have been in a very similar position and it’s hard enough when your sleep and body clock is on the opposite schedule to everyone else so I know exactly how much you will have been looking forward to that uninterrupted long stretch of sleep, I’m sorry he was so bloody thoughtless. I would cry too.

I remember when for a period I was working 2 jobs, normal 9am - 6pm hours through the week and then nights on Friday and Saturday finishing at 5am, One weekend I was also called in to work a Sunday and this was usually my catch up day for sleep but obviously didn’t get my usual rest day. Come Monday morning and I was just utterly dead on my feet exhausted and so I begged DH to do the school run for me and he refused!!! Now granted I usually dropped the kids off as I passed their school/nursery on the way to work, but it would have meant a few extra precious minutes in bed if he dropped them that morning instead. Anyway I took the kids as usual but honestly I was so freaking mad I couldn’t put it in to words, DH got well and truly read the riot act once I had calmed down enough to talk, but honestly even now years later I’m still flabbergasted at how he could have been so bloody selfish.

Your H sounds very selfish. It's almost if he begrudges you having a lie-in for once. He needs to know how angry you felt.

Agree totally with this. Ridiculous to have a part-time night job with 3 under fives.