To be so fucking angry that DH woke me up?

[AngeloMysterioso]

We have 3 DC 5 and under including a 14mo who is yet to sleep through the night and is still in our bedroom.

I have a PT job working nights and am also responsible for all school and nursery runs etc. So at most I get maybe 4 hours sleep at night and maybe another 4 on the days when younger two are in nursery and older one is at school.

I am (and I can’t be emphatic enough about this) exhausted. Mentally and physically absolutely fucking exhausted. My right eyelid twitches non stop because I don’t get enough sleep and survive on tea and shitty sugary drinks and convenience food.

A lovely relative of mine offered to have all 3 DC overnight so I could get some sleep. This is a real rarity for us- my PILs have two of the 3 overnight once a week but nights off from all 3 only happen once in a blue moon.

Unfortunately, my body clock being what it is, I can’t make myself go to bed early so was up til my usual time (and DH knew this) but was really looking forward to getting a good long uninterrupted sleep this morning.

Except DH woke me up at 9:15. He was getting ready to go and pick the DC up and wanted to ask me a- if he needed to take any clean clothes for the DC (he literally helped me pack their bag yesterday) b- to double check he just needed to take some of DC’s milk to nursery (we discussed it yesterday) and c- to ask me to tell my relative he was on his way (I told them what time to expect him yesterday and told him that I’d told them).

So basically, there was absolutely no need to wake me up at all. And it’s over an hour later and I’ve been trying but now I’m just too fucking angry to fall asleep, and even if I did it will now be two smaller chunks instead of the long uninterrupted sleep that I was looking forward to and so desperately need. I honestly feel like crying.

I did permanent nights as a nursing sister when I had 3 under 5, plus looked after our house. I wouldn't have dreamt of just leaving because I would be 'likely to get lots of universal credit'!! What an utterly depressing mindset to recommend.

Maybe he thought that 9.15 was a lie in?

oh okay, so just to be clear he got up, got the kids stuff ready (waking you up in the process) went out to collect them, dropped the two off at nursery and bought the eldest home, you lost your shit at him because you were too angry to go back to sleep and now he's stomped off again?

He's off work today, you're not at work till tonight, and eldest was supposed to be at home with you both anyway.

So you stayed up till what 4/5am last night, before going to bed? even though you weren't at work and could have tried to go to bed earlier, and are furious he woke you up at 9:15, even though he was going out and you could have gone back to sleep again after, would he have looked after the eldest today and let you get more sleep in the daytime if you hadn't have gone mad at him?

Yes, annoying that he woke you, I'd be annoyed too, but I actually think you being furious at him is more to do with you being utterly exhausted from working the night shift all the time, and less to do with him having a few questions at a perfectly reasonable time in the morning.

I think you put too much stock in this 'x amount of hours of uninterrupted amount of sleep' seeing as DH and eldest were always going to be coming home after the nursery drop off, you may not have got much more even if he hadn't have woken you.

I'm not going to lie, I'd be a bit pissed off if my partner didn't take any opportunity they could to catch up on sleep, then took it out on me, you both sound like you do a lot of solo parenting, it's exhausting and thankless, no good can come from taking things out on each other to boot.

He did wrong.

However you were in an awful state in the first place. No one can maintain being continuously effing exhausted!

If you don't change things as a family you will break, simple. (and you will argue more with DH)

Work out what changes you can make. Please do not push on.

OP, this is (sorry!) your wake-up call.

Your sleep problems were not going to be solved by a couple of hours of extra lie-in on one day.

This job is a false economy, because it is costing you your health and sanity. Go in tonight and hand in your notice. I'm not even joking. Sort out the 'hows' ans 'whys' afterwards - I'm assuming you have to work a month's notice, but if not, so much the better.

Then sit your husband down and work out how you are going to proceed. Before you have a heart attack or complete nervous breakdown.

You don’t seem to understand that not everyone can sleep on demand. Even when you’re utterly exhausted. You still have a body clock and when you’re working shifts your body adapts to those times.

So going to bed earlier than normal would likely have entailed OP lying there with her brain whizzing, saying to herself “get to sleep, you have an opportunity for extra sleep here, you should take it” putting herself under pressure and therefore making it harder to actually fall asleep!

Cortisol levels are supposed to rise and fall in line with sleep patterns but night shifts fuck with that. The relationship-ending argument with my ex came off the back of a night shift with insufficient sleep either side of it, and him being a lazy selfish cunt. So I know exactly where OP is coming from.

In no world is 9.15am a lie in when your body is in night shift mode and is used to having to grab sleep whenever the planets align. The old “never wake a sleeping baby” adage should apply to mums too!

You may not be able to afford a hotel but you must have a friend or family member who would take you in for the night? Tell him to take the day off or call in sick or you give no fucks what he does as the alternative is you have a total breakdown and he has to do everything for his children for weeks so one night and day to save his marriage seems like a huge huge bargain and if he wants to get shitty then you will do it every week until he adjusts to giving a fuck about you again.

I'd still vouch for two nights in a hotel, Premier Inn are OK and they are doing lots at less than £45 per night, some with breakfast. Take a book, watch telly, stretch out ....

Can't afford, I'd say can't not afford ... think current offer includes breakfast. Ill give you an opportunity to love and miss your little family!

These questions from a pp are valid:

Practically speaking, is your job a career or just a job? Do you really need to work nights when your children are in childcare? I'm just confused why you're paying for nursery for two children when you go home to sleep, instead of either work in those 4 hours, dropping the nightshifts, or just drop the job altogether?

I do understand body clocks, me and my DH work opposite shifts to each other, we probably get 5-6 hours each per night during the week, and our sleep patterns change week on week, it is exhausting, but you have to learn to cope with it. How do you think people on 3 shift systems manage to function, you have to actually go to bed and try to sleep at different times each day, then at the weekend change again.

But if we had a child free night (all kids gone), so nothing to stay awake for or and I went to bed at say 12ish to get up at 8am, I'd be bloody annoyed if my DH didn't actually bother to go to bed till 4am "because that is what he is used to" then absolutely lost his shit at me in the morning for waking him up at 9:15, even though I was taking care of all the childcare so he wouldn't actually have to get out of bed.. sorry OP, but I think he owes you an apology for waking you and you owe him an apology for going ballistic about it.

But ultimately if you can't hack getting sleep when you can and forcing yourself to go to bed at times you may not want to, then it's time to drop the night shift as you aren't suited to it.

Nobody is that stupid.

He didn’t even wake her for a good reason.

And when she's done all that and is about to drift off, DH will want to play hide the sausage 😂

I'd be angry yes but your lifestyle isn't remotely sustainable. You're going to crack.

what the fuck are you on about?

yes 9:15 is ridiculously early the one morning you want a lie-in, or any morning an adult wants to sleep in their own home!

Who made you in charge of deciding what is reasonable or not? Get up at 5am every day if you want, but it doesn't make it the right time to wake, neither is 6 or 7, or 8.

I sincerely hope you are single with that ridiculous and entitled attitude of yours.

the problem is, even in a hotel you cannot guarantee a good night sleep. You are always at risk of having a room next to some fuckwit who will shout in the hall in front of your bedroom door, watch tv ridiculously loudly and so on.

Thank you for saying that- I just thought it !

So you are exhausted, he is off work all day but you are still caring for the only dc in the house?
Is he still in the house? If so can you pack up what you need for work and to go any family member and ask to crash in their spare room and go straight to work from there. Leave him to the childcare for rhe rest of the day.
Don't make a fight out of it, just tell him you are so shattered you need rest before work.
As a stand alone him waking you up was thoughtless, but you sound exhausted that you are right on the edge. I've felt like that, it's a toss up between screaming and crying because you are just so damn tired..

After reading your updates I can only summise that your OH is an absolutely selfish prick . I worked nights for 3 years and its brutal.

Have you considered how much more sleep you would get as a single parent? Seriously what is the point of this 'man'? Does he bring anything positive at all to the table besides money that he only earns because you are killing yourself with sleep deprivation?

I'd be really annoyed too OP. All of the things he woke you for were completely unnecessary. What an absolute dick. Next time you get an offer for the kids to be taken overnight, send him too!

You can picture the husband saying the exact same thing than that poster. It's so infuriating to read isn't it!

🙄

Here... Have this ... 🏅

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Exactly this. ^ Sounds like the OP does the lion's share of the wifework AND childcare, as well as working part time nights, whilst her DH has a paid job and does fuck-all else. I agree he should be working harder/more hours/get a better job to support his wife and the 3 small children he chose to have with her.

Sadly, this 'lazy selfish arsehole' type of man is all too common, as men are inherently selfish and idle, and won't do anything unless asked. And if they DO do it, they do it begrudgingly, as if it's a bloody FAVOUR to his wife/the mother of his children, and not something he should be doing without being asked!

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Because he is an unappreciative prick who doesn’t realize how much his wife does.

Exactly this! ^ He should have left her to wake on her own! Probably scared he might actually end 'helping' her for few minutes longer than he wanted, and 'look after' his own children for 5 minutes too long! 🙄