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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fucking angry that DH woke me up?

155 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 03/01/2025 10:37

We have 3 DC 5 and under including a 14mo who is yet to sleep through the night and is still in our bedroom.

I have a PT job working nights and am also responsible for all school and nursery runs etc. So at most I get maybe 4 hours sleep at night and maybe another 4 on the days when younger two are in nursery and older one is at school.

I am (and I can’t be emphatic enough about this) exhausted. Mentally and physically absolutely fucking exhausted. My right eyelid twitches non stop because I don’t get enough sleep and survive on tea and shitty sugary drinks and convenience food.

A lovely relative of mine offered to have all 3 DC overnight so I could get some sleep. This is a real rarity for us- my PILs have two of the 3 overnight once a week but nights off from all 3 only happen once in a blue moon.

Unfortunately, my body clock being what it is, I can’t make myself go to bed early so was up til my usual time (and DH knew this) but was really looking forward to getting a good long uninterrupted sleep this morning.

Except DH woke me up at 9:15. He was getting ready to go and pick the DC up and wanted to ask me a- if he needed to take any clean clothes for the DC (he literally helped me pack their bag yesterday) b- to double check he just needed to take some of DC’s milk to nursery (we discussed it yesterday) and c- to ask me to tell my relative he was on his way (I told them what time to expect him yesterday and told him that I’d told them).

So basically, there was absolutely no need to wake me up at all. And it’s over an hour later and I’ve been trying but now I’m just too fucking angry to fall asleep, and even if I did it will now be two smaller chunks instead of the long uninterrupted sleep that I was looking forward to and so desperately need. I honestly feel like crying.

OP posts:
Wonderi · 03/01/2025 11:26

YANBU

He didn’t need the answer to those questions.

He just wanted to wake you up.

I’m not sure what I’d be more angry about - being woken up or being asked such ridiculous fucking questions.

Is he that much of an incompetent parent that he couldn’t have worked out the answers for himself?!
Especially as you sorted it all the night before as well!

Jl2014 · 03/01/2025 11:27

I would have completely exploded at him, OP. Yanbu. He is very selfish and thoughtless.

Baileysatchristmas · 03/01/2025 11:27

YANBU to be raging but use this to have a discussion about changing things in the family unit. You'll burn out.

BettyBardMacDonald · 03/01/2025 11:28

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 03/01/2025 10:51

Sorry @AngeloMysterioso but why on EARTH are you working a night shift job - even part time - when you have 3 children under 5?! Confused And then doing all the wifework and childcare on top (seemingly!)

Of course he should have left you in bed, (asleep!) but do you really need this job?! With 3 small children you would very likely get lots of Universal Credit. You could stay at home with them, if only for 5 years (til they're 5 to 10 y.o and a bit more independent and sleeping through etc...)

.

Edited

I admire her for supporting the family she chose to create rather than expecting the taxpayer to do so.

JellycatParent · 03/01/2025 11:29

This sort of sounds like an issue you’ve made for yourself. Why doesn’t your husband help more with school runs? Screw the gym, he should be helping you out - why should he get to prioritise his physical health by working out when you get at most 4 hours of sleep a night?

Why is your fully grown adult husband waking you up to ask you mundane questions he should know the answers to himself? It isn’t okay that he thinks that’s acceptable - he’s your husband, not your 4th child.

On a side note and I’ll probably get flamed for this, I’ll never understand why women choose to have children so close together when it clearly isn’t suitable or sustainable for their current lifestyle. It sounds an awful lot like most of the childcare and decisions has been on you. What on earth made you think it was a good idea to have three children under five?

Original poster
AngeloMysterioso · 03/01/2025 11:29

Well he’s back home now with DC1, so that’s the end of the child free time and with it any chance of a good sleep for me.

OP posts:
OolongTeaDrinker · 03/01/2025 11:29

AngeloMysterioso · 03/01/2025 10:45

DH walks DC1 to school two days a week but I still have to get up to look after the other two.

This job isn’t forever, but I do it so that we don’t have to spend a shitload of money on childcare fees/after school clubs etc, and means I can take DC to extra curriculars, playgroups and so on. Younger two are in nursery two days a week and on those days I just sleep between drop off and pick up, but that’s only about 4 hours between getting home and actually managing to fall asleep and getting up to pick DC1 up from school.

Edited

To be honest your children would rather have a well rested and happy mum who works part-time during the day than go to extra curriculars/playgroups. They are all so young that a calm and happy home is more important for their development.

thescandalwascontained · 03/01/2025 11:30

Can you check into a hotel by yourself tonight/tomorrow night and get some much needed sleep? Leave your DH to sort them all for once.

RB68 · 03/01/2025 11:31

Because you are so tired the emotions are high. take a step back. YOU are sacrificing proper sleep so he can go to the gym and not do the drop off.

What exactly is he doing here?

When is he letting you sleep properly?

I think you need to sit down and have a rejig of who does what wehn and either he goes to the gym at a different time or goes earlier so he can be back to do the morning prep and drop off etc He clearly needs the practice as he is unsure what to do.

Wonderi · 03/01/2025 11:31

DC2 and 3 are in nursery on the days DH has to go into the office, and he goes to the gym beforehand so he’s long gone by the time they wake up.

So you’re struggling on 4 hours of sleep a night and he’s going to the gym in the mornings, so you can’t even get a lie in then?

Why is he not getting them ready before he goes to work to let you sleep in?
He can go to the gym a different time.

DeathstarDarling · 03/01/2025 11:31

YANBU He is a selfish man-baby to wake you up with stupid questions he could have easily figured out himself if he can't remember. Also he needs to think about how important the gym is, and if it is more important than his marriage and family, and do more drop offs. Frankly I would be planning a patio.

AaaahBlandsHatch · 03/01/2025 11:31

I know just what you mean about being too angry to sleep, I've been there. In theory you could just turn over and go back to sleep but you can't because of all the How fucking dare he? Why would you even do that? What does it mean about what he thinks of me and how he values me? Aaaaagh! running through your head.

So YADNBU. And I'm sure you know your finances and situation better than us so not sure why PP are being critical and giving advice about things you haven't even asked about.

HelmholtzWatson · 03/01/2025 11:31

9:15? How long did you expect to sleep for?? Totally not unreasonable to be woken up at this kind of time when you chose to go to bed late when you had the chance to go earlier.

FetchezLaVache · 03/01/2025 11:31

thescandalwascontained · 03/01/2025 11:30

Can you check into a hotel by yourself tonight/tomorrow night and get some much needed sleep? Leave your DH to sort them all for once.

Fuck yes, do this. Pay for a late check-out, turn off your phone and ask Reception not to put any calls through. And enjoy all that lovely sleeeeeeeep.

PlopSofa · 03/01/2025 11:33

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 03/01/2025 10:51

Sorry @AngeloMysterioso but why on EARTH are you working a night shift job - even part time - when you have 3 children under 5?! Confused And then doing all the wifework and childcare on top (seemingly!)

Of course he should have left you in bed, (asleep!) but do you really need this job?! With 3 small children you would very likely get lots of Universal Credit. You could stay at home with them, if only for 5 years (til they're 5 to 10 y.o and a bit more independent and sleeping through etc...)

.

Edited

This in spades!!!!

LokiDoki75 · 03/01/2025 11:33

Hang on, you are running around like a blue-arsed fly in the mornings on bog all sleep because HE’S AT THE GYM? Did I read that right?

Wonderi · 03/01/2025 11:33

HelmholtzWatson · 03/01/2025 11:31

9:15? How long did you expect to sleep for?? Totally not unreasonable to be woken up at this kind of time when you chose to go to bed late when you had the chance to go earlier.

You can’t just change your body clock when it’s used to working nights.

9am would be a lie in for people who go to bed at a normal time, not someone who’s body is set up to work nights.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 03/01/2025 11:34

HelmholtzWatson · 03/01/2025 11:31

9:15? How long did you expect to sleep for?? Totally not unreasonable to be woken up at this kind of time when you chose to go to bed late when you had the chance to go earlier.

There was no reason at all for hudband to waken her.

thestudio · 03/01/2025 11:34

I've seen men be the SAHP

I've never ever seen one do this kind of awful, exhausting part-time work, full-time parenting, career-fucking hybrid.

Why the fuck is he going to the gym instead of swapping that time out for something that would show he doesn't think that women are lesser and should do all the shitwork?

BettyBardMacDonald · 03/01/2025 11:35

Clearly he needs to drop the gym. He can get hand weights and work out at home.

Why are your meals unhealthy? What are the hours/days of your PT job including travel time?

Wonderi · 03/01/2025 11:35

LokiDoki75 · 03/01/2025 11:33

Hang on, you are running around like a blue-arsed fly in the mornings on bog all sleep because HE’S AT THE GYM? Did I read that right?

Yep!!

And he’s so pathetic that he woke her up to answer questions that were already discussed the night before and could have worked out himself!

I actually think he sounds like one of the worst men I’ve read about on here in a long time!

PlopSofa · 03/01/2025 11:36

Wonderi · 03/01/2025 11:31

DC2 and 3 are in nursery on the days DH has to go into the office, and he goes to the gym beforehand so he’s long gone by the time they wake up.

So you’re struggling on 4 hours of sleep a night and he’s going to the gym in the mornings, so you can’t even get a lie in then?

Why is he not getting them ready before he goes to work to let you sleep in?
He can go to the gym a different time.

Exactly. It sounds like he’s thriving, taking care of his body and you’re burnt out, exhausted running around after everyone but yourself. Why do men allow women to fall into the abyss. My DH allowed this too. In the end I put the kids in full day nursery 2 days a week full time and DH paid for it so I could finally think straight gain and look after myself.

As other posters have said, you need freshly cooked meat, fish, veg, potatoes, rice etc to feel good. No more convenience crap. That won’t help your mood, energy levels or sleep.

4forksache · 03/01/2025 11:38

So he gets to go to work and the rest of the time is leisure for him -including the GYM! The only extra he does is walking a child to school two mornings a week.

Something seriously needs to change. Use this anger as a catalyst to make time for proper sleep! Calculate his hours asleep vs yours and even things up.

MuggleMe · 03/01/2025 11:38

Sounds like you need to head over to your relative and have another night!

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 03/01/2025 11:39

KeepinOn · 03/01/2025 11:10

You are destroying yourself for the good of the family unit, and it needs to stop. There are other solutions to your situation, and you need to find them asap, or you will break. I cannot stress this enough - YOU ARE IMPORTANT. Not because of what you do for the family, not because you are able to ferry around children to activities, not because you make the dinner. You are simply important enough to prioritise in the family because you exist. That's it. You need to believe this, you need to own it, and you need to make some changes.

Agree with this wholeheartedly.

Start putting yourself first - saving your H from having to contribute to childcare expenses by literally killing yourself is not ok. Your body will not let you continue like this indefinitely - if you don’t give yourself a break, it will make sure you get one by some catastrophic means or another!

Your H is a massive selfish prick btw and waking you up was a dick move of epic proportions. But as others have said, one lie in won’t fix this.

If he can’t see just how much your schedule is impacting your ability to sleep and function normally I’d suggest a trial separation and 50/50 childcare, as that would make your like so much easier.