To be so fucking angry that DH woke me up?

[AngeloMysterioso]

We have 3 DC 5 and under including a 14mo who is yet to sleep through the night and is still in our bedroom.

I have a PT job working nights and am also responsible for all school and nursery runs etc. So at most I get maybe 4 hours sleep at night and maybe another 4 on the days when younger two are in nursery and older one is at school.

I am (and I can’t be emphatic enough about this) exhausted. Mentally and physically absolutely fucking exhausted. My right eyelid twitches non stop because I don’t get enough sleep and survive on tea and shitty sugary drinks and convenience food.

A lovely relative of mine offered to have all 3 DC overnight so I could get some sleep. This is a real rarity for us- my PILs have two of the 3 overnight once a week but nights off from all 3 only happen once in a blue moon.

Unfortunately, my body clock being what it is, I can’t make myself go to bed early so was up til my usual time (and DH knew this) but was really looking forward to getting a good long uninterrupted sleep this morning.

Except DH woke me up at 9:15. He was getting ready to go and pick the DC up and wanted to ask me a- if he needed to take any clean clothes for the DC (he literally helped me pack their bag yesterday) b- to double check he just needed to take some of DC’s milk to nursery (we discussed it yesterday) and c- to ask me to tell my relative he was on his way (I told them what time to expect him yesterday and told him that I’d told them).

So basically, there was absolutely no need to wake me up at all. And it’s over an hour later and I’ve been trying but now I’m just too fucking angry to fall asleep, and even if I did it will now be two smaller chunks instead of the long uninterrupted sleep that I was looking forward to and so desperately need. I honestly feel like crying.

Everyone appears to be focusing on OP DH going to the gym, makes no odds what time he goes if he can't do the school run and won't give OP much more sleep.
Agree he shouldn't have woken you this morning, I would be annoyed too.
However your set up isn't working and it feels like your being abit of a martyr, your situation needs to change.

They were, but today is a nursery day for DC2 and 3 so DH went and picked all 3 up, dropped two off at nursery and brought DC1 one home. He isn’t working today.

You are going to make yourself ill. Working nights is absolutely stupid in your position and it will result in you (as you clearly are) being exhausted and hard to live with.

The fact that he’s left you with DC1 is absolutely and utterly shocking!!! So not only has he ruined what should have been a lovely extra bit of rest for you, he’s then gone and just swanned off leaving you to care for DC because you had the audacity to pull him up on how thoughtless he was to you!!

Look as I have been in your shoes, I really would advise thinking about doing what is best for you! I understand exactly why you are doing what you are doing because I did it myself. Figured it was great to be saving on childcare and to always be there for drop off and pick ups, clubs and sports days and the like but I about killed myself doing it. I look back now and realise that I was pretty much a zombie a lot of the time, coupled with the fact that it just became the norm meant my DH didn’t appreciate it like he should have done either. It took me a good couple of years at least to truly get my sleep back to normal and to really recover once I finally saw the light and changed things. It’s only now with the luxury of hindsight that I can look back and realise that I sacrificed too much of myself. It’s ok to put yourself first once in a while, as quiet clearly your DH has no problem putting himself first!

HE DOES NOT NEED TO GO TO THE GYM BEFORE WORK AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR BASIC WELL BEING!

I never lost in capitals but oh my god!

husband is a phenomenal piece of shit. Anyone who has experienced sleep deprivation for one reason or another will agree.

Take advice above. You are destroying yourself, it's NOT WORTH IT.

Make an effort - to improve diet, to improve whatever little routine you can. You do get more or less used to survive on 4 hours of sleep, but you will pay dearly for it, and you will massively regret it.

Work on what you can do, diet/ drinks and what little more sleep you can get is a HUGE one.

I’m too angry for you to write a proper response. So on his day off he walks out and leaves you with DC1 knowing you have to work later? WHAT. A. CUNT.

he doesn't, but use him as an example, not a target.

He's not putting his health aside. DO THE SAME. I don't think he should stop exercising, no-one ever should, but find a compromise and get the same level of activity (and some sleep!) as he does

We can’t afford for me to go to a hotel for the night right now

He is happy to spend on his gym membership though isn't he?

@sandyhappypeople Why would she have to get up even if DC1 was at home? DC’s father was there to look after them.

@AngeloMysterioso
Your H sounds very selfish. He should not go to the gym and leave you with 3 DCs if he can spend extra half an hour at home getting them ready for the morning. Has he spoken to his employer about adjusting his hours a bit so that he can do the school+nursery run and then either finish later or work through lunch?Many employers offer some flexibility to parents of small children. On the days he works from home, could he do the school/nursery run and then work through lunch?
Walking out now was very immature and selfish of him. Instead of taking your points on board, he punished you standing up for yourself. I had a husband like that, now luckily an EXH.

This! Why on earth should the tax payer shoulder the burden of someone else’s procreative choices? It’s hard and her DH needs to do less gym and more school runs but as the OP said it’s for a short time period and it’s very admirable that she is stepping up for her family - a rarity on MN where so many people seem to marry a “six figure salary” man who pays all the bills and has sole ownership of the property but leaves you crying on the relationships board a few years later with no money or independence while he screws someone he met at work.

Working Nightshift isn't working for you OP

It sounds like an evening job might work better for you. You still wouldn't need childcare and dads home to hold the fort.

True enough- it needs to be equal. But then the gym money could be used towards proper childcare as a priority

His gym membership is free through work.

He needs to go at other times though - in his lunch break? From 6-7am then do drop offs then work? That’s what my DH used to do when he was in the office full time.

Then he's a cunt.

Reading through before this comment, yes, I'd have been fucking livid if my husband had woken me up in these circumstances. And I'd have found you not-guilty in a court after you killed him. However, it is a man thing, so didn't think it was a LTB offense.

However, this comment, him walking out, wow, just wow. This man clearly has no fucking clue that you're at burnout and frankly doesn't care. If he cared, he'd have taken DC1 out for the day, and not brought them back to the house to disturb you, little mind now leaving you to it whilst he enjoys a day off work.

When do you ever get to enjoy time off? He's getting his days off, his gym time, his full nights of sleep. He's a selfish cunt who has a wife that can deal with all of the 'women's work', so that he can continue his life at his own leisure.

His reaction to you pointing out he was wrong this morning, says a lot.

Practically speaking, is your job a career or just a job? Do you really need to work nights when your children are in childcare? I'm just confused why you're paying for nursery for two children when you go home to sleep, instead of either work in those 4 hours, dropping the nightshifts, or just drop the job altogether?

Your husband is pathetic, you've both chosen to have 3 children in quick succession and he isn't even man enough to financially provide for his family in order for his wife to raise them. I know many here do not agree with wives giving up work, but surely a 5 year career break is justified when raising children in quick succession.

As for going to stay in a hotel, I always find those comments not well thought through. It's really hard to sleep well in a hotel, with all the noise of other guests banging their doors, then housekeeping start around 6-7am, if you can afford at some point to go to a hotel, be very clear that they need to allocate you a quiet room. This is a normal request so don't feel silly asking.

Your husband needs to wake the hell up, realise you're at burnout, and taking some of the load off you. He needs to give you child-free days to sleep, and take better care of you. He should be cooking healthy meals for his family if you're too busy etc.

Doesn’t matter that’s it’s free or if he’s paying a ridiculous monthly fee. The fact is, you - his wife needs more support, needs him to step up and actively help wherever he can rather than just picking up the bits that are convenient for him and leaving all the rest for you to do!!! He could do so much more than he is doing, and whilst I don’t know the in’s and outs of your set up I’m pretty sure he’s not as much as he should because if he was you wouldn’t be this burnt out and exhausted!!

Sit him down and have a discussion and figure out how and where he can pick up the extra slack!! It’s totally unfair that you should be on your knees with exhaustion while he’s got the energy swanning off to the gym. How can any so called good husband and father willingly sit by and watch you exhausting yourself and not simply step up and do more!!

What about the husband? Why isn't he supporting them whilst she stays home to look after them?

Sounds like he did it deliberately. Or else he’s thick as a plank. Anyone with common sense would know his questions were not important.

To be honest, I wouldn't bother sitting him down and discussing anything. He walked out this morning, he's an arse who couldn't even apologise for ruining your sleep.

Make whatever changes you need, OP. If he asks just tell him you are done with being exhausted and him clearly not giving two shits about it. A good partner should see how much you are killing yourself and want to ease your load. I doubt he would even ask his employer about flexible start/end, or he'd say he had or it's just not possible at his big important job.

How are finances split? Does that need to change also?

Op on days i'm in the office, i get out to the gym at 5.45 and home by 7.15

He can definitely go earlier and come back to help or ask to push his starts to 9.30/45 so that you can sleep in.

Especially if he has WFH options, it's so baffling that men (not all) seem unwilling to ever ask for allowances or flexibility from work to manage their childcare. When it so roundly expected that women will and must as someone bloody has to.

Clearly you are not managing to get enough sleep on the nights and its having a detrimental effect on your mood and how you're interacting with your family esp DH.

he was inconsiderate especially as its seems like basic level stuff h was asking that he couldn't be bothered to think about himself.
When you are calmer you do need to have a chat about how intensely the nights are effecting you and what can be done more from him to provide support

He shouldn't have woken you. How inconsiderate.

You can't change the fact that he did and being so irrate about it - increased cortisol etc was the primary reason why you found it hard to go quickly back to sleep.
You are so over tired, Op, that you are at the end of your tether. Find some calming meditation tapes and force yourself to relax and sleep more.
You need to let some things go until you rearrange your night time work.
Spell out, on paper near your pillow, when your DH is NOT to wake you. He needs written permission to make decisions for the children. Also write notes to each other on a kitchen clipboard clarifying important details to remember. Why would he lack confidence, Op, to decide that the kids can wear dirty clothes if need be etc?
He also needs to sit down with you and brain storm some practical solutions to the problems of you needing more regular sleep, and the children needing consistency and calm from their main care givers.

Then he should have the DC1 with him if he isn't working. Phone him and ask him to take DC1 out for the day.

Yes it is unreasonable to be woken up when she's tired and she's the one that does everything by the sounds of it. I also have 3 5 and under and know how tiring that is let alone working nights as well! She already explained she only went bed late as her body clock won't allow her to sleep later because she works nights!

Also on the practical front, do try a sleep mask as the gentle compression plus darkness really does help me to drop off, no matter the time of day.

And if it's within budget the therabody smart goggles are really good for a head and temples massage before bed. they have a couple 2nd hand on eBay and you can try them out in john lewis as they're not for everyone.