To be so fucking angry that DH woke me up?

[AngeloMysterioso]

We have 3 DC 5 and under including a 14mo who is yet to sleep through the night and is still in our bedroom.

I have a PT job working nights and am also responsible for all school and nursery runs etc. So at most I get maybe 4 hours sleep at night and maybe another 4 on the days when younger two are in nursery and older one is at school.

I am (and I can’t be emphatic enough about this) exhausted. Mentally and physically absolutely fucking exhausted. My right eyelid twitches non stop because I don’t get enough sleep and survive on tea and shitty sugary drinks and convenience food.

A lovely relative of mine offered to have all 3 DC overnight so I could get some sleep. This is a real rarity for us- my PILs have two of the 3 overnight once a week but nights off from all 3 only happen once in a blue moon.

Unfortunately, my body clock being what it is, I can’t make myself go to bed early so was up til my usual time (and DH knew this) but was really looking forward to getting a good long uninterrupted sleep this morning.

Except DH woke me up at 9:15. He was getting ready to go and pick the DC up and wanted to ask me a- if he needed to take any clean clothes for the DC (he literally helped me pack their bag yesterday) b- to double check he just needed to take some of DC’s milk to nursery (we discussed it yesterday) and c- to ask me to tell my relative he was on his way (I told them what time to expect him yesterday and told him that I’d told them).

So basically, there was absolutely no need to wake me up at all. And it’s over an hour later and I’ve been trying but now I’m just too fucking angry to fall asleep, and even if I did it will now be two smaller chunks instead of the long uninterrupted sleep that I was looking forward to and so desperately need. I honestly feel like crying.

He’s clearly not even close to the end or his tether, nor maybe ever has been, the fact he woke Op up shows he’s never been in her shoes form of exhausted. He’s fine. She’s carrying all the mental and physical load and working night shifts.

I agree, book a hotel. Say you’re mentally unwell and need to get away for a few days. Just leave Dh to get on with it all. Ubtul they’ve done it, they’ve no idea how brutal it all is.

This job isn’t forever, but I do it so that we don’t have to spend a shitload of money on childcare fees/after school clubs etc, and means I can take DC to extra curriculars, playgroups and so on

I totally get that you’re doing it for a better quality of life, but what’s the point if you’re too exhausted to enjoy it? Wouldn’t your DC rather forget about extra curriculars and have a DM who isn’t functioning on auto pilot?

What you’re doing isn’t sustainable. You’re either going to make yourself seriously ill or you’ll have an accident of some sort. You cannot survive on such a small amount of sleep long term without there being serious consequences. And then who picks up the slack?

Your DH isn’t doing enough to support you. He either needs to adjust his hours, start picking up extra work or accept that you’re just going to have to tighten your belts for a while. This can’t all be on you.

Oh and fuck his gym visits. He needs to do more family stuff and less him stuff to enable you to get more than 4 fucking hours sleep at a time.

What sacrifice is your husband making to save on childcare and nursery fees?

Worse than that, he didn't need to make the decisions as OP had already sorted it and discussed it with him the day before- infuriating 😡🤬😤

YANBU for being angry at being woken up, especially not for a bunch of issues that he could absolutely have managed himself.

Your working situation isn't remotely tenable. Your DH needs to reschedule his gym and do the nursery runs. There's not really a discussion to be had about that, and I speak as a total weights obsessive who organises all moveable parts of her week around exercise. Not only would it be both unfair and unhealthy for my partner, I would not want my kids left with someone who couldn't get more than 4 hours of sleep a night.

You can change your body clock - and right now, you should. When you can, you need to go to bed when the DC are finally there to try and get more sleep. Make sure the bedroom is cool and dark. The sugary drinks etc may give you a temporary energy boost, but in the longer term, they will increase your tiredness and reduce the quality of sleep you get.

I'm not trying to excuse your DH, but it would be helpful to have an explicit 'Do not wake me up unless any or all of the DC are really ill. Deal with everything else yourself.' A lot of men who don't do a lot of childcare are terrified of getting it in the neck for making a mistake. If possible, he should do more so he knows the routines.

You are going to be seriously ill if you carry on like this and that would be catastrophic for your family. Please drop the job and give yourself at least 3 months to recover. If the family budget suffers, your selfish husband can give up his gym membership.

Can you not find something you can work around your 2 younger dc nursery, as the other is in school, i presume there 9-3? What times do your others go to nursery?

How many hours do you work part time? and what are the hours?

Your completely missing the point!!!

Lets say due to your normal working routine sleep time is 11pm, would you suddenly be able to go to bed at say 2pm and fall asleep??? Really!!

The OP had a child free night, and it wasn’t the early night she was looking forward to because as OP stated in the original post she finds it hard to sleep earlier than her usual time (totally normal and understandable for anyone who works night or does shift patterns) it was the extra sleep in the morning that she wouldn’t normally get that she was looking forward to, and her DH ruined it to wake her to ask pointless questions he already knew the answers to because she had already discussed it all with him the day before!!! So NO! 9:15am was not a reasonable time to be waking her up!!

To be clear- even if he didn’t go to the gym, he’d still have to leave before the school run mayhem starts. At most I’d get an extra half hour on those mornings.

We can’t afford for me to go to a hotel for the night right now, and even if we could- I’m working tonight.

I’ve just got pretty mad at him after pointing out that there was absolutely no fucking need at all for him to wake me up- and he got up and walked out, leaving me home alone with DC1. So now I really can’t go back to sleep.

A lot of people will be coming on here to completely bash your DH OP, and he deserves it for waking you up, but it sounds like thoughtlessness rather than him resenting you having a lie in? I'd have been furious too though.

Me & DH have a similar setup to your, but we alternate week on week who does the night shift, if you are doing all the mornings, catching up on sleep in the daytime when you can, to allow yourself to do the after school pickup then doing the night shift working, then presumably DH is doing the evenings with the kids on his own? so tea/bathtime/bedtimes etc? We are pretty equal in our childcare responsibility, and we both get to see both sides of it, it is exhausting being the sole parent in charge and neither of us gets enough sleep (5-6 hours each), does he get up with the youngest when you are in from your job in the early hours? if not, then he should be.

It's a hard time when they are so young, but if your DH is actually pulling his weight in other areas, and is usually part of your team, but isn't used to doing the morning shift and just didn't think, I would be inclined to cut him some slack just this once, you're absolutely exhausted, and it's so easy to blame and get annoyed at the other person in the relationship, when really the problem with your tiredness is fundamentally your night job.

If your system isn't working quite right, then don't be afraid to change it up, but you need to work as a team, no one should be surviving on 4 hours broken sleep then relying on having to try and get more sleep in the day, it's not sustainable.

Can you call in sick? I would. And then I'd go for a walk like your 'D'H has done, and have a proper night's sleep before thinking about any changes you need to make to ensure you don't literally collapse or crash the car with your DC in it because you're so exhausted you can't even see straight.

“DH walks DC1 to school two days a week but I still have to get up to look after the other two.”
Could he get them all up and take them on the school run while you sleep a bit longer?
Sufficient sleep is a basic human right. If you are going to continue with this job then you and DH need to come up with a plan which at least gives you the opportunity for an 8 hour sleep stretch on most days. If that means him taking on some responsibility for the dc from 4pm then so be it. If he can’t do that, then you’ll have to rethink the job. Could he flex his hours at all? Why is it you taking all of the sleep hit?

This is totally unsustainable OP.

Would be absolutely raging at this, and similarly unable to sleep. Just seen your update, he clearly doesn't get it at all.

She absolutely will not get loads in universal credit. They don't pay for the 3rd child. They expect you to work when the youngest child turns 3, and depending on what her partner earns, it could be wiped out completely.

However, I agree op needs to find a different job, and her partner need to pull his finger out and help at home and with the kids.

OP works nights so why would she try Andy change her body clock.

And no one needs to be explicitly told when to wake someone.

He knows she is exhausted and was having a lie in.
Common sense says you do everything in your power to not wake that person.

Why are you excusing his behaviour because he’s a man?
He’s a competent grown adult who is more than capable of looking after kids and using his common sense, but he’s choosing not to.

His going to the GYM is prioritised above you getting a full nights equivalent of sleep?!? What???

I have been in your exact position and was barely functional for several years under the pretext of being a "good mum". I was too exhausted to make any active changes - literally head down, make it from one day to the next. I really didn't get to enjoy any part of their childhood - it was only when a change of circumstances forced me to get a different job that I realised how awful it had been.

I cannot stress this enough - paying for nursery is a much for your wellbeing and mental health as it is for your children. Child rearing is a joint responsibility for both parents and you shouldn't be shouldering this level of burden alone. As it stands, nobody is getting the best of you. I am still resentful of my DH for getting the easier ride 10 years after the event.

Apologies, seen your updates.
In your situation, getting up early IS heroic.
Your husband ought to get his finger out.
Oh, and as a PP said, fuck his gym visits.

I assume the gym is free?

leaving me home alone with DC1

Weren't all three kids with the relatives? Did one of them stay home last night? In which case wouldn't you have had to get up with DC1 anyway at that point?

I do agree with this. Dh had no need to wake you but how many more hours sleep would you have got it he hadn't? You'd have felt a bit more rested for a day until back to what you are doing? I went 18 months with about four hours broken sleep a night following dd1 being born, she did not sleep. I was exhausted, could barely function, my work suffered but that was without nights (dh does these sometimes, I know how awful they are). What you are doing is not sustainable and you do risk your dcs early memories being of a tired, grumpy mummy.

Blimey op, I can understand why your so cross but I don’t think living like this is sustainable?

not what you’re asking but is there really no way to cut costs to allow you to stop working?