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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fucking angry that DH woke me up?

155 replies

AngeloMysterioso · 03/01/2025 10:37

We have 3 DC 5 and under including a 14mo who is yet to sleep through the night and is still in our bedroom.

I have a PT job working nights and am also responsible for all school and nursery runs etc. So at most I get maybe 4 hours sleep at night and maybe another 4 on the days when younger two are in nursery and older one is at school.

I am (and I can’t be emphatic enough about this) exhausted. Mentally and physically absolutely fucking exhausted. My right eyelid twitches non stop because I don’t get enough sleep and survive on tea and shitty sugary drinks and convenience food.

A lovely relative of mine offered to have all 3 DC overnight so I could get some sleep. This is a real rarity for us- my PILs have two of the 3 overnight once a week but nights off from all 3 only happen once in a blue moon.

Unfortunately, my body clock being what it is, I can’t make myself go to bed early so was up til my usual time (and DH knew this) but was really looking forward to getting a good long uninterrupted sleep this morning.

Except DH woke me up at 9:15. He was getting ready to go and pick the DC up and wanted to ask me a- if he needed to take any clean clothes for the DC (he literally helped me pack their bag yesterday) b- to double check he just needed to take some of DC’s milk to nursery (we discussed it yesterday) and c- to ask me to tell my relative he was on his way (I told them what time to expect him yesterday and told him that I’d told them).

So basically, there was absolutely no need to wake me up at all. And it’s over an hour later and I’ve been trying but now I’m just too fucking angry to fall asleep, and even if I did it will now be two smaller chunks instead of the long uninterrupted sleep that I was looking forward to and so desperately need. I honestly feel like crying.

OP posts:
Firethehorse · 07/01/2025 11:25

I can vaguely see both sides to this except where you are clearly exhausted, at your wits end and your DH swans out and leaves you with the child. Not only was he super selfish but he was irresponsible leaving a small child in the care of someone this emotional and sleep deprived. If he can find the time to go to a gym whilst his wife is suffering with 4 hours of sleep or less ongoing he is absolutely not doing his share. Posters are talking about 6 hours of sleep but there is a world of difference between 4 and 6 hours.
I’m not sure the immediate answer is for OP to give up her work because her DH is clearly selfish and puts himself first so that might result in everything being dropped on her and without any of her own finances.
I think you should tell him this is not sustainable and ask for his solutions within a tight timeframe. I would try to get a check up at the doctors in the meantime both to check for deficiencies/health issues and to make him ‘officially’ realise you surviving on 4 hours sleep is not sustainable or fair. I hope you can jointly find a solution.

JoBoJoBo · 10/01/2025 22:08

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 03/01/2025 22:51

Better for the OP to quit work for 4-5 years til the children are older, than get complete burn out. The OP is working a night shift (with THREE children under 5,) because her lazy arse of a husband CBA to try to earn more money, and also can't be fucked to pull his weight around the house, (and with the children.) Leaving her to do all the housework, grunt work, and domestic shit, as well as the childcare. AND her night shift job! She is also lucky if she gets 4 hours sleep a day.

Breaking yourself, destroying your health, suffering sleep deprivation, and not being the best version of yourself - for your children, just so you can polish your shiny medal and say 'I am better than you because I had children, and worked til I dropped!' is not something to aspire to either @Greenqueen40

And you are cherry picking what I said. I said to the OP 'do you really need this job? You should not be working night shifts and doing all the wife work and all the childcare with THREE children under 5, can you not take a break for 4-5 years until the children are a bit older/more independent?' I did not say 'QUIT WORK, and depend on your husband forevermore.'

And anyway, what if the OP does want to be a stay-at-home mum long term/til the children leave school...?! It's perfectly OK to do that. Just because you made different choices (or maybe had no choice but to work,) you have no right to judge other women! Quit being so smug, and step down from your pedestal. Women who stay at home with their children, and have their husband provide for them and the children are not beneath you, so quit acting like you're better than them!

.

Edited
Show quote history

Some of us Mums need to go to work to contribute to the mortgage and like working.When my 3 were little I worked 2 nights a week and would only have 4 hours sleep when the youngest was at nursery post night shift.Plenty of Mum's do this especially nurses .It's not for ever they will soon be in school .

Codlingmoths · 10/01/2025 22:29

sandyhappypeople · 03/01/2025 13:19

I do understand body clocks, me and my DH work opposite shifts to each other, we probably get 5-6 hours each per night during the week, and our sleep patterns change week on week, it is exhausting, but you have to learn to cope with it. How do you think people on 3 shift systems manage to function, you have to actually go to bed and try to sleep at different times each day, then at the weekend change again.

But if we had a child free night (all kids gone), so nothing to stay awake for or and I went to bed at say 12ish to get up at 8am, I'd be bloody annoyed if my DH didn't actually bother to go to bed till 4am "because that is what he is used to" then absolutely lost his shit at me in the morning for waking him up at 9:15, even though I was taking care of all the childcare so he wouldn't actually have to get out of bed.. sorry OP, but I think he owes you an apology for waking you and you owe him an apology for going ballistic about it.

But ultimately if you can't hack getting sleep when you can and forcing yourself to go to bed at times you may not want to, then it's time to drop the night shift as you aren't suited to it.

Show quote history

They die earlier, that’s how they manage. Because not everyone can. The health impacts on shift workers are increasingly well documented. I used to like working night shifts but the more I read the more I’m glad that ended for me.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 10/01/2025 22:40

It is entirely understandable that you are raging at being woken up but I'm not sure it is reasonable. DH may have thought that 9:15 is a great lie in and that you'd want to know that he was on his way to pick up the DC so you could get ready. But I agree with PP that you're much too overtired and need some help so you can get more regular sleep.

Nightmarewithdelirium · 10/01/2025 23:14

I have 3 kids.. two primary aged and a 10 month old. I also work permanent night shifts. 24 hours a week.
My DH works full time but does one weekday a week at home.
So similar to you.
Let me tell you that how you have arranged this with your DH is NOT sustainable at all!!
I prioritise my sleep. I put ear plugs in I go up to bed and I am not available after a night shift. For 9 hours. And that's that. Just as it would be in the night.
My DH structures his work so that he takes the kids to breakfast club every day so I don't ever have to wake up early to do that. He also has his weekday at home to correspond with the day after my night shift so that he can watch the baby whilst he sleep and on that day he also picks the elder two up from school.
You need to have words with your DH.
You will absolutely ruin your health if you continue like this. He needs to step up and you need to make him.

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