Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

Tbf that's not the same thing. Being straight is assumed to be the default. When you have your first crush on a member of the same sex and your own sex is giggling about boys etc. it does make you feel very different. It's probably better now.

Exactly. When my DD announced she was gay at 11, I asked who she fancied. She had no clue so I suggested waiting until she met someone she wanted to kiss before settling on a label for herself. She retched and told me kissing was gross which told me exactly how seriously I needed to take her announcement.

What do you mean the school have been going along with it? He told teachers to refer to him as they/them and they all have been?? I wouldn’t be happy about this at all. I’m a teacher and we would have to report this to safeguarding not “go along with it”.

Had another chat when he came downstairs

I told him I loved him and that he should be himself and be happy. I also said I wasn't doing the pronoun thing at home. He hugged me back and said he loved me too so ill leave it at that for now. Also threw in we are all non binary if you think about it line.

Need to remember I have a great kid with far too many wonderful attributes to list here.

School and Internet will also be dealt with as appropriate

Thank you for the helpful responses.

I think the “need to know” part is the same thing. Nobody needs to know an 11 year old’s sexual orientation.
They probably haven’t hit puberty yet, it’s an irrelevance to anyone but themselves.

Why? I watched the Craft too many times and claimed to be a witch. I also snogged other girls, wore a ridiculous amount of make up and dressed like I’d been catapulted into a 1970s jumble sale (it was the 90s so we had slim pickings for vintage clothing) my mum just rolled her eyes at it all. I’m now in a heteronormative marriage. If I wasn’t that would still be fine too.

Luckily puberty blockers are now banned for use for this purpose in children in the UK. And the majority of trans teenagers grow out of it if they don't take PBs. So chances are it's just a phase.

I would be wondering what has triggered this. If he's gay is he facing any homophobic bullying? Or any other kind of bullying or finding it difficult to fit in... Is he short for his age, bad at sport? Spending too much time online because of a lack.of social life? Is there a family issue or previous trauma or a negative attitude towards homosexuality? Is there abuse somewhere outside the home or within? Is there neuro diversity? Most trans young people have one or more of these triggers. Keep communication channels open

‘ your my son not them’. You were born a boy so you are a boy?

'You know, I've been thinking the same about myself. Does that make as non binary buddies?!'

Be cringe about it.

It looks like puberty blockers etc are not going to be allowed anymore. There's someone that reguarly posts on JK Rowlings Twitter feed and he had surgery way too young and they cut his dick off and balls. He can't orgasm and he has a life of constant pain. He said he was gay really but it felt easier saying he was a woman, instead of just coming out.

It's just tragic. Anyway. This sort of medical abuse won't be carrying on. Not with Trump in town on the other side of the pond. The pendulum is going to swing back vastly in the other direction. Many say, this is why the Democrats lost. Most of middle American just can't embrace trans-anything and I have to say, I agree, even though I'm not a Trump supporter.

None of that had any bearing on what sex you were, or claimed to be, so I can’t see the relevance?

Possibly bullying but not that I'm aware of

He has never been a "typical boy". Has been dancing from a young age and does performing arts. Never liked football etc etc.

No neurodiversity

No problems at home etc

I wouldn't go hard on insisting he's your son / calling him him etc personally. I think that gives him a lot to push against and a lot of his non binary pals online or IRL to give a reason to hate you and paint you as an evil TERF that should be cut off. Call him by his name, assuming that's not changed.

I think you’re deliberately missing the point I’m trying to make which is very boring (either that or your critical thinking skills aren’t that good) so we can leave it there.

What a positive thread - good to see parents finally finding our voices and putting in place boundaries for children.

Please, if your child's school is actively promoting the "born in the wrong body" "are you gender fluid or non binary?" nonsense at children, as a poster suggested upthread, challenge them. The Cass Review has highlighted the potential dangers of schools dabbling in this psychological experiment on children. The last government produced some guidelines (which the current government are still reviewing) to give advice to schools about staying in role and not getting involved with a niche adult ideology that they're completely unqualified to get involved in:

https://educationhub.blog.gov.uk/2023/12/19/gender-questioning-children-guidance-schools-colleges/

I'm with the ignore brigade. Also, tell school that they should ignore too.

All I can tell you is that when my child was your sons age, about half the kids in her year at school insisted they were non binary, and a lot of those decided they wanted to be called by a different name.

A few years later, they're all back to their original names and genders, and have forgotten all about it. It's a load of bollocks imo.

So explain it like I’m thick, then 😁

Nope. I’m sure you can figure it out.

Bullshit.

Nothing but a HUGE dose of reality is needed in this case.

BOY, SON, MALE, MAN, HIM

They are NOT dirty words.

Use them and ignore ANYONE who tries to police your language.

Genuinely, no. I’m baffled.

It's good that he has hobbies and interests.

It's not really clear from your posts if either of these is the case but I would be more worried if he was a loner with no mates or hobbies who spent all his time in his room, than if he was an extroverted confident person trying to be on trend or fit in with an arty sort of world if that makes sense... Chances are he'll grow out of it but either way he can't do anything drastic till he's been through puberty now, and that gives him a lot more maturity and self awareness by the time it's possible to do anything permanent. Maybe he would benefit from talking it through with a professional in the meantime

Way too young to be making choices that will affect his whole life, fucking school deserves a law suit for encouraging this utter bull crap. At 13 I didnt know my ass from my elbow, at 18 fine, go be whom ever you want to be, but not at his age now