Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

He’ll get over it. He’s part of a world where being yourself isn’t good enough anymore, you have to have a Special Label. Go along with it. Event bough it’s all a load of shite, telling him that will push him away. Also don’t pander to it. This nonsense does not need encouragement. Just be neutral.

Re the “they/them” - how often do we refer to people as “he/she” to their face anyway? Just call him his name

My eldest (same age) told me the same thing last night. Also bi for a year or so.
I just said ok and talked a little about what had led to that conclusion, turns out it's a bit more "exploratory" at the moment, not (yet) at the stage of they/them.
Like everything else, I accept what I'm told, gently question, give my own experience if relevant then wait and see, making it clear I'm always here.

Someone not old enough to put on their shoes when required or who does not know where his school bag is is a child.
i’d also be complaining to the school at the highest level for their lack of safeguarding and keeping secrets from parents not least as this could be social contagion amongst year group and the Head needs to be fully aware what teachers may be encouraging plus informing all the relevant parents.

You won’t push him away by ignoring something that doesn’t exist.
The worst thing you can do is give it oxygen. Just be polite when it’s mentioned but don’t make it into a thing.

Well I knew I was straight at 11 so not sure why people ate so shocked/focused on that part

Don’t parents take the pi$$ out of (or gently mock) their children these days? If any of mine said that to me I’d tell them not to be such an attention seeker and that one is either male or female. There is no such thing as non-binary. Why all the treading carefully and handwringing?

I’d also happily go along with expression of gender non-conformity and educate them on some of the pop and rock stars of the 80s and 90s - thus confirming this phase is nothing new, special or rebellious.

if it continues, I’d be telling his school in no uncertain terms that there will be no affirmation of pronouns and pandering to it, waving a copy of the Cass Report.

Contact Bayswater Support for expert help in a manner that is slightly less than blunt than mine!

Get him counselling and confiscate social media.

But you’ve been given the advice not to entertain this nonsense

Thanks that's really helpful. I had a feeling this was coming so should have asked for advice earlier so I was prepared.

Doesn't help that he chose the day I'm struck down with flu and feeling like death warmed up to tell me 😅

And yes, hand the school their arse and seriously clamp down on his social media and internet use.

Aside from the home thing, I'd be going ballistic at school - this isn't on

This

Are you aware of how much time he’s spending online and what he’s accessing?

I’d be swapping his smartphone for a basic call and text only type phone, switching the WiFi off and only allowing him online under direct supervision for the purposes of doing homework.

Did you announce it to all and sundry? Of course you didn’t.
Nobody needed to know.

Because making grand declarations as to your sexual preferences at 11 years old is hugely inappropriate and fucking weird.

Get that child away from the Internet.

Your child has trusted you and the relationship they have with you enough to share something with you, something that will feel huge to them - regardless of your own opinions, you have a responsibility to your child to navigate this in a kind, sensitive, compassionate way where they can feel heard and most importantly continue to share things with you as they get older. I am not a parent, but goodness I would feel lucky if I was and my child felt able to share something so significant to them - take the topic out of it and imagine sharing something huge to you with someone you’re closest to, and they say ‘yes dear, here’s dinner’ - and ‘refuse to give it oxygen.’ That’s just unkind and you’d be really hurt.

A lot of the responses on this thread are less than kind and will mean children feeling invalidated, not heard, and pushed away from the people they are meant to trust. You can disagree and not promote things in a way that is still open and curious in conversation with your child.

Back in the Stone Age, it was considered normal to have crushes on males AND females. We all did, and knew it was "a phase" to be expected as part of adolescence.

I don't think the boys were as free to accept that they had crushes on boys/men as well as girls/women, though they very obviously did.

Very, very few of us grew up to be gay or bi. This is one of my (many!) objections to identity culture - very young people feel they MUST identify as something potentially life-defining and, once you've put yourself in a box like that, it can be very hard to get out again.

Everything feels important, special and permanent when you're a teenager. It's very helpful, ime, to know this is normal and changeable!

We're all non-binary darling.

We're all either non-binary males or non-binary females.

At 13, he is too young to understand. Fortunately, the Government have finally put protections in place for children.
Sadly, my real worry would be the school and there may be a tricky conversation needed with the Head, followed by a complaint to the Governors.

0% this!

That's a really good response. I think I'd add something along the lines that he's very young still and feelings and self perception can change a lot as a teenager. No need to label himself at this stage, just encourage him to sit with his thoughts and perception of himself, whilst keeping an open mind about it all. Keep communication open with him going forward.

His claim to be non binary doesn’t need validating. Quite the reverse.

If they told you they identified as a cat would you take that seriously too?

Maybe you can use this approach again with them. Either it’s a phase and it will pass or it’s not and they’ll still be your child who you love either way. As you’ve said there’s no need to label them either way so you can apply the same logic here in relation to their gender identity. Teens experiment with identity. It’s all developmentally appropriate. Try not to get pulled into the hysteria that people seem to have about gender identity on here.