Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

@arcticpandas And he said he was bi a couple of years ago? At 11? My DS 11 isn't interested in girls (or boys) yet so I would say it's really early to define himself. Is he being influenced by older friends/online community?

I'm not sure why mumsnetters think it's strange for an 11 year old boy to be straight, gay, or bisexual.

Obviously, 11 year olds can experience sexual arousal and can be attracted to other people. Just not to the same extent as an adult.

Perfect response.

Okay…here you go…teenagers/adolescents are biologically programmed to separate from their families and find a sense of belonging by joining other ‘tribes’ to prevent inbreeding. This includes things like experimenting with self expression, sexuality, clothes, appearance, gender identity etc. My grandad claimed to not know if people were boys or girls on top of the pops in the 60s. It’s the same now. People just have a name for it. People aren’t supposed to ‘get it’ that’s kind of the point and how people develop their sense of self/identity. I’m sure you can figure our where experimenting with sex/gender fits in to this. People just have different language around it now which has caused a moral panic and Pearl clutching much like teenagers have been doing for generations. It’s okay if it’s baffling to you. No one said you have to understand or even accept it.

TLDR: things change and progress and us oldies aren’t supposed to understand. Some people get their knickers in a twist over it and some don’t.

He's the 2nd one. Has a nice group of friends now but didn't until the last year or so. Small primary school and all the boys were typical boys and he had nothing in common with them.

Am considering counselling but not immediately

By 11 (secondary school) I knew I definitely liked boys and was straight, even though it was well before being interested in proper relationships etc. didn’t think that was abnormal.

I knew my daughter was gay from about 11 to be honest. I'm very happy she came out to me at 13 (she came out to her brother at 12). I have far too many gay friends who spent their adolescents feeling like freaks. Bad, bad, BAD old days.

I agree, coming out as bi at that age seems incredibly young.

I think I'd go the route of telling him I absolutely respect his decision to think of himself as they/them and will do my best to remember but please bear in mind you have been referring tohim as he/him his entire life and its hard not to slip up. Ask him to spend a week calling you dad and his dad mum and see how many times he gets it wrong. That should make him a bit more understanding that you aren't trying to upset him.

Biologically and legally he is male and he absolutely doesn't have to buy into stupid male stereotypes but his gender being indeterminate or fluid doesn't negate his sex so people will still refer to him as such.

We can't police other people's speech without forcing our own beliefs onto them and that wouldn't be right.

Ultimately he decides himself what makes a man, not the expectations of others. When he says he is non binary, what parameters is he using to define girl vs boy? That question could open up a valuable conversation.

This is likely a phase.

Synthetic identities are just the new goth

Coming out as bi when you are 11 isn't very shocking though. It's basically a declaration of keeping your options open. It's a decent plan.

I would complain to the school. They haven’t told you that a 13 year old CHILD has decided to change his pronouns. That’s ridiculous of them. Demand a meeting with head teacher and put an end to this nonsense.

OP I would stop him using reddit, there is so much poison on there.

@Chipshopninja in my childs school, she reported about 1/3 of the year being bi at one point around the year 7/8 mark,including herself....needless to say she ,as well as many of her friends have grown out of it,although i think they are far more flexible in their views of sexuality and gender identity then my generation...it is a rite of passage for some these days. Its great as for those who are truly gay or bi, they have a much easier time, but regarding gender identities, some kids may go down other routes out of confusion if they aren't given space to process their own feelings or they have these identities viewed and reinforced as permanent decisions. There were 2 kids at our primary who both identified as transgender by year 5/6 ,needless to say both are autistic.

That depends if they're struggling. If they want to share these feelings and find reassurance from others it's better to be people around them IRL not randos online. If I had been able to tell someone and in turn get reassurance aged 12 that liking girls was perfect okay it would have saved me a LOT of worrying.

I'm not saying there isn't a socially performative aspect sometimes.

It's a complete and utter safeguarding failure that the school has not discussed this with you. They are breaching the quite explicit advice in 'Working Together' statutory guidance and 'KCSIE (Keeping Children Safe in Education)' guidance. It's a safeguarding failure. When you speak to the school make it clear that you know that they have failed to follow statutory safeguarding guidance.

Appalling.

Honestly, this pronouns things is bonkers. I'm going through the menopause and variously call each child the other child or the pet's name. Brain fog is intense, no fucking chance I can remember new pronouns. An elderly family member has dementia - can't remember their own child's name but still gets right sex pronouns for everyone but expecting them to go along with different pronouns? Disability discrimination. Utterly ridiculous and it's abusive. Kids don't know it is, they've been groomed (by activist teachers in some cases) to think it's reasonable, but it's a form of coercive control to try and police people's language in a way which is very difficult to achieve like this. It's setting people up to fail deliberately. All the court cases of GC women discriminated against in the workplace show this because all the activists in court couldn't stop using right sex pronouns even when they were the ones demanding wrong sex pronouns should be used by everyone else (it was unintentionally hilarious).

I like the PP's suggestion that he call you by Dad and his Dad by Mum and see how easy it is. Or perhaps use 'zie/zir' pronouns for both his parents and see how easy and reasonable that feels. If he's expecting it from you then why not the reverse? After all we are all non binary. Maybe you can point out the times you've mown the grass and his Dad has cooked the dinner. Proves it!

Absolutely disgusting that the school have gone along with this madness.

Ignore it - it’s a phase. Social media is evil and so are the teachers who support this ideology in schools.

Easy fix, OP.

My grandad claimed to not know if people were boys or girls on top of the pops in the 60s
Yes, I get that, because they experimented with clothes, hairstyles, makeup.
None of them claimed to be the opposite sex, or attempted to opt out of being a sexed person at all.
This is where I draw the line. The other stuff you mention is totally harmless.

It isn’t weird. I knew I was gay at 11.

Be loving but breezy about it. OK dear. I understand that this is popular with your age group at the moment. We love you very much.

You don't have to do pronouns etc. You are entitled to say that you don't believe in this ideology but you will try your best to avoid the pronouns they don't want you use.

'@SwissToniii

It'll be a fad like vegetarianism.'

Being vegetarian is not a 'fad'. It is a valid, healthy and ethical choice.

I have been vegetarian for about 10 years now and I am very happy that way.

You undermine any argument you are making with this type of nonsensical statement.

Fair enough.

Counselling?? Genuine question but WHY?

Your son has said he is attracted to men and women. Nothing to worry about here --- Some people are bi. That's not a problem

Your son has said that he does not want to adhere to rigid male gender stereotypes (whatever that means!). Not a problem here either... Men can work in the careing professions and don't have to like football.

Your son has said that he likes the gender stereotypes normally associated with being a woman. No problem here either. Guys can wear pink lippy and become ballet dancers.

THE PROBLEM is the COUNSELLOR. Imagine introducing your son to a counsellor who thinks that this all means "HE WAS BORN IN THE WRONG BODY."

That really would be a problem. Wouldn't it?

I think mum knows best, don't you?

some of the responses on here. quoted on page one…“Who does an 11 year old think gives a toss about their sexual preferences?” a CHILD in early stages of adolescence, likely confused and starting to navigate the adult world. Parents should be there to talk through these things, which OP was.

I just don’t like the tone some posters are taking about a CHILD.