Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

I disagree with the premise of " validating feelings". Some feelings are not valid, they are bloody ridiculous and the people having them should be told so for their own good.

100% this.

This is my general view. I would ask him (them) gently what he felt was the difference between him and any other boy or girl in terms of feeling like who they are as a person 'matches' the sex of their body? What would a person who did 'match' be like?
And are they actually confusing 'being male' (or 'being female') with 'having a personality that conforms to outdated stereotypes based on that sex'?

Great to see so many sensible replies. I feared for the OP when opening this, but it’s pleasantly surprised me. Common sense does prevail!

Try Bayswater for advice & support.

They are more balanced & supportive than the likes of mermaids etc.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Is he in year 8 by any chance? About this time in year 8 we had similar for both our kids - they all had to be 'something' except straight! some changed pronouns and had new names - it was through the whole year group - they had all turned 13 and been allowed social media for the first time. Now they are all 18 and 19, 99% straight, all she/he and laugh at how daft they were thinking they knew at 13 if they were gay/bi/trans/non-binary. We went with the 'how nice, remember we love you who every you grow up to be.' we also said as they (both kids not they/them) had had time to think and come to their decisions we as parent were allowed time to come to terms with their new pronouns and would use them when we remembered. a big non issue, no attention given and if we called anyone him/her they had to get over it because the rest of the world isn't going magically guess what they identified as.

No wonder some kids are such emotionally delicate snowflakes nowadays.

You don't have to tiptoe and be sensitive, kind and validating for every bit of nonsense bs a kid comes out with.

Take the word 'non-binary' and replace it with 'unicorn' in your mind. React in the exact same way as if your kid is solemnly declaring to you that they're a unicorn.

Hey kid. I love you, but no you're fucking not. This is why. What trash have you been watching online which has convinced you you can be a unicorn? (And remove it).

I would just try to use their name instead of "him" for now, other than that, assume it's a rejection of toxic masculinity stereotypes and carry on as normal..

Best thing to do is to sit down and say that you also identify as non binary. That'll put him off.

Sorry, but you'd come across as a bit crackers unhinged 😁

Do you even know what non binary is lol

I think she meant shes not allowed to call him her son as he doesnt identify as that anymore. Not that hes not her son 😅

I’d just say no you’re not. Why are you scared to have that conversation?

assume it's a rejection of toxic masculinity stereotypes and carry on as normal

I would see it as a positive if he was doing this, but had made a wrong turn in assuming/stating that any person who isn't stereotypically masculine isn't a man. That's a conflation of body and personality type - easy to do when the whole world loves to convince themselves that men are 'people who are like THIS' and women are 'people who are like THAT' but definitely worth trying to unpick.

Do you even know what non binary is lol

No one does. Because it's BS. That's kind of the point.

Yes exactly this! Drastically curtail Internet use

Do you?!

He's a boy.
He's your son.
Non-binary is just another term designed to make people feel like they fit in better, but it just causes more confusion.

I think I really like how you managed it; not dismissive, but also checked in reality - and saying (in a kind way) that you will be continuing to call them by the original pronoun until you’ve got used to it. And therefore leaving it very open and possible for them to change their ideas again

It’s too young if he’s still at the age where the idea of kissing anyone is icky. If you’re pre-sexual you aren’t bisexual or homosexual or heterosexual or any kind of sexual.

Just nod, ignore and move on. He’ll get bored of not getting a reaction.

That’s what I did . A couple of DCs friends seemed to change pronouns weekly and frankly I couldn’t keep up (as well as thinking it’s all a bit ridiculous at 13) so just used their names.

I just wouldn't be validating any of this at this age especially. Non binary is not a thing. Keep a close eye on what's he's doing online.

Are you going to tell us what it is, then? <agog>

I agree in principle, but feelings aren't facts - if you feel angry, confident, hungry or like an eagle soaring above the mountains, that's how you feel at the minute. The feeling itself can't be invalid, it's just a feeling.

Feelings also don't need to be acted upon. We can explore what prompted this feeling, what significance it may have for ourselves going forward.

The 2020s seem plagued by a muddled idea that validating someone's feelings means treating them as facts beyond the person's concrete circumstances. It doesn't.
• You feel hungry? I'm not doubting that, even though it's surprising when you finished a generous dinner half an hour ago. Perhaps you're just a certain kind of hungry: would you like some chocolate, a satsuma, another cup of tea? I can validate without assuming there's something wrong with you and feeding you another three-course meal (or pretending to agree you've changed sex).