Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

Funny that this is the reaction when people are confronted with information that doesn’t fit their ideology.

People just like to flatter these people

so gross

But the above is what the vast majority of people feel! I want to shout that from the roof tops! I don’t know any woman who goes round ‘feeling like a woman’. What would that even mean? I’m a woman and I know I’m a woman, but I don’t spend my time ‘feeling like a woman’. It’s simply a fact, like my height. I no more go round feeling like a woman than I go round feeling like a person of 162cm!!

And when I dress up and put lots of make up on, it’s because I want to and enjoy the process and the colours. Again, it’s not because I ‘feel like a woman’!

I mean, how’s a woman supposed to feel?? I’m a woman (fact), I have feelings (fact) so all those feelings are ‘woman feelings’. That’s it. That’s all there is to it.

People thinking they’re NB because they don’t have these mythical ‘I feel like a woman’ feeling are misled. You are not ‘different’, you’re just like the billions of other women in the world who simply are women but don’t go round ‘feeling like a woman’. I say that not to have a go at you, but in an attempt to explain because it’s so frustrating. It’s also dangerous because it leads teens to think that they have to have ‘special feelings’ in order to be a girl or boy. That is not true

This. So called "non binary people" simply have a severe case of main character syndrome. No one is "binary" because no one is a walking sex stereotype in all things. Everyone does things which breach that stereotype at times. And obviously teenagers and young adults are famous for being selfish and seeing themselves as the centre of the universe, without recognising that others do not see them as that.

So you can look at it two ways, depending on how you want to frame it. Either everyone is "non binary" or no one is. What you don't have is the bulk of the boring "cis" women and men getting on with their lives and then The Special People for Whom Sex isn't Relevant because Their Uniqueness Transcends these Mundane Matters.

That doesn't mean that these people aren't vulnerable, in fact they are probably more statistically likely to be. But OP, however best you can knowing your son, don't indulge the pompous seriousness of it all. It's throwaway nonsense, and your son will probably grow out of it, unless he is further influenced to believe he's actually a woman, which is another story.

So called "non binary people" simply have a severe case of main character syndrome.

Does this sound judgemental and transphobic to anyone?

I don't think anyone is scared off by being called 'transphobic' anymore. Call a spade a spade. Not feeling entirely male or female is something that pretty much everyone has in common.

Its what I think. Take it however you like. I'm not going to pretend I think "non binary" is a valid concept.

I don't think anyone is scared off by being called 'transphobic' anymore.

So why the constant pretence that people aren’t being transphobic? Call a spade a spade as you say!

👍🏻

I think it’s more I don’t feel like what I’m told a woman should be - all the stereotypical stuff.

Why would you feel the need to go along with a sexist worldview? People will still see you as a woman, even if you call yourself "non binary".

The truly progressive way is to refuse to let others define you by stereotypes. Being female is your sex, not your personality.

But I also don’t know, if sex and gender are truly two different things, what it is that makes us a particular gender.

Nothing makes us a "gender". It's not an actual material thing. Gender is a social construct based on stereotyped sex roles. That's all. People who claim to have the opposite "gender" to their sex have very little basis to this claim. It's just words.

All transphobic seems to mean these days is not swallowing a lot of non scientific nonsense. So call me transphobic all you like 🤷‍♀️

Judgemental, absolutely. She's made a judgement about people based on their behavior.

Transphobic? nope. A phobia is an irrational fear. Critique isn't fear nor are her conclusions irrational.

"Transphobia!" is the 21st century "Witch!"

Exactly

So from your perspective this doesn't convey any kinds of negative feelings towards/ prejudice of non binary people?

"So called "non binary people" simply have a severe case of main character syndrome."

A phobia is an irrational fear

Let's take a classic definition of homophobia for example: "dislike of or prejudice against gay people."_

If someone said "so called gay people have a severe case of main character syndrome" would you consider it to fall within that definition?

Agree. It's more common in women to be able to accurately sex immediately, even from far away, from things like gait and posture etc. If you think about it in an evolutionary sense, it makes sense that this should be an inbuilt instinct in females of the species more so than men.

I also think most people are just thoroughly sick of people trying to deceive them as to their sex (because sex matters, particularly for safeguarding), and have more important things to worry about than what the nebulous inner 'gender identity' of someone they barely know is. They are going to go with whatever the path of least resistance is / whatever will end up being the fastest route to get on with their lives.

I think it’s more I don’t feel like what I’m told a woman should be - all the stereotypical stuff. Maybe that’s all it is, I don’t conform to a stereotype!

I don’t conform to a stereotype and I don’t know anyone who does 100%. This is why the whole ideology is so regressive. We are half the population. Of course we are not going to all be the same. The only thing we all have in common is our sex and that’s fine. Non-binary is so offensive to many because these people are basically saying that those of us who recognise that sex is a binary DO conform to sex stereotypes, many of which are extremely harmful and degrading for women. I don’t think that all NB people (esp teenagers!) have actually thought this through but that is the logical explanation.

If someone said "so called gay people have a severe case of main character syndrome" would you consider it to fall within that definition?

That some people are same sex attracted is well known and is fully backed by science, so it's a completely false comparison.

Yes. I have been thinking about this a lot. The only people that are sometimes difficult to sex ime are the very young and the very elderly where some secondary sexual characteristics are less obvious with age. Even when you might find it initially hard to be sure, gait and voice are a dead giveaway. Nowadays so many people use filtered and doctored photos online that it can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking that sex is not obvious. It really is 99% of the time.

The only thing we all have in common is our sex and that’s fine. Non-binary is so offensive to many because these people are basically saying that those of us who recognise that sex is a binary DO conform to sex stereotypes, many of which are extremely harmful and degrading for women.

Yes, exactly.

Ah so let's unpack the logic here: since (according to you) being trans is "not well know or fully backed by science", it's ok to say things that would sound like phobia if said against another group?

Im not interested in your thoughts particularly, @Lostcat - so not engaging further on this with you. Hope that helps.

Nowadays so many people use filtered and doctored photos online that it can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking that sex is not obvious. It really is 99% of the time.

Yes, I think this is a big part of it, also having cartoon avatars rather than pictures of what you look like. In reality we can mostly tell what sex people are.

The comparison of trans to homosexuality is lazy and inaccurate.

Gay people struggled for their rights and all they were asking was for others to accept that humans of the same sex could fancy and love each other. If you don't like it, don't be gay! Simple.

Trans ideology operates like a fundamentalist religion, enforcing its beliefs from the top down through government agencies and male pattern threats and intimidation. And, unlike Gay rights, the beliefs have implications for everyone else. In a relatively short space of time trans activist lobbyists have succeeded in rolling back feminism (before women achieved equality); dismantling safeguarding principles (despite the prevalence of child abuse); and disintegrating socialism (women are no longer a class).

Indeed, trans ideology would deny that homosexuality is actually a thing.