Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

This.
Feel however you want. Wear what you want. Others see biological reality. A man in a dress is a man in a dress, not a woman.

They is used when you don't know if the person being talked about is man/woman.

So it might go
You: "My friend went to the zoo yesterday and got trod on by an elephant"
Me: " oh wow! Are they ok?
You" Oh yes , she's fine, just a little dented ".

Singular "they" is a long-recognised part of the English language. There are lots of thoughtful and considered arguments being made on this thread; don't cheapen it with debunked ideas about language. No one has to use they/them pronouns for anyone if they don't want to, but it is not exclusively plural.

Agreed. This rather pointless "argument" has now been refuted multiple times in this thread.

What you have to ask yourself is: Do I love and respect my child? Do I want them to be happy?

Why are you so set on bringing your child misery? It takes a great deal of courage to tell parents things like this. And whether it's for five minutes, five years or five decades, make them feel accepted and loved by using favoured pronouns. It's heartbreaking at school or at Cons to hear teens relate to others how desperate and depressed they feel because their parents won't accept preferred pronouns or that they're trans or gay etc.

Don't alienate your child - love them.

Encouraging wrong sex pronouns is honestly going to make any child miserable, because no-one can do it for long - not even the most fervent zealots of the trans cause can. In multiple court cases they got the 'preferred pronouns' of colleagues wrong and used correct sex pronouns, even when criticising middle aged women for being unable to remember wrong sex pronouns.

Telling a child that an expectation that other people will pander to their every demand is reasonable, that those other people are really just there to validate them, and any failure to do so indicates 'hate' (not just middle aged forgetfulness, or inability to change the way they use language, or SEND, or being a non native English speaker or being really busy with a really big mental load, or just being normal and finding this quite difficult) is really cruel. It sets them up to feel they're hated when they're not, to be fragile in a way that will prevent most normal or meaningful human interaction.

Again, the intent seems to be to isolate these children.

Loving and respecting your child means preparing them for the world, and for the fact that 99.99% of people won't love them as you do, so will not bend over backwards for their unreasonable demands / toddler tantrums as you might.

What an awful thing to accuse a parent of - "bringing your child misery".

There's only one group bringing misery to children - and it's not loving parents setting careful boundaries and working to keep their children safe. It's those gaslighting children to believe that their growing bodies are wrong but denying reality or a sex change is the cure.

The thread linked below shows the grim reality of the people who've been influencing child healthcare across the world in this field - all members of WPATH who've been promoting child transitioning for years. Until recently even the NHS was following their advice.
Warning - the article in the thread contains some terrible information about child abuse but it's important that parents are aware of the nature of some of the people pushing all this at children:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5245988-5245988-latest-reduxx-article-on-wpath

Nothing that the op has said suggests she doesn't love her son or doesn't want them to be happy.

Thank you!

I posted a reply but it got deleted. Probably best but if anyone saw it I stand by my response to that absolute load of nonsense.

How anyone can read this thread and all your thoughtful, responsible posts and then accuse you of bringing your child misery, defies belief.

I'm with Firealarm on this. I've never ever 'felt' female. I don't even know how someone 'feels' female. I just AM female, biologically - I've been pregnant, given birth, breastfed, I think about my safety in certain in a way men just don't. I've never been interested in traditionally 'feminine' preoccupations, but luckily I grew up in the 80s when girls could like dinosaurs & Star Wars and live in the same pair of dungarees for two weeks straight without anyone questioning their 'girlness' (you were just a tomboy, in so far as you had a label at all), so I don't really care. Declaring myself non-binary wouldn't stop me being a woman.

if you are non binary, it's kind of 404. gender not found. I don't feel ANY gender.
I'm glad I look female, because I can wear whatever clothes I lke with no fear of being attacked if I want to wear a big, loose, comfortable skirt. people that look male have less freedom about what they can wear in public without attracting unwanted attention.there have been times in my life I've performed hyperfemininity, but it always felt like dressing up for fun, rather than an expression of my own gender. it was just, playing with make up and clothing is fun

But the above is what the vast majority of people feel! I want to shout that from the roof tops! I don’t know any woman who goes round ‘feeling like a woman’. What would that even mean? I’m a woman and I know I’m a woman, but I don’t spend my time ‘feeling like a woman’. It’s simply a fact, like my height. I no more go round feeling like a woman than I go round feeling like a person of 162cm!!

And when I dress up and put lots of make up on, it’s because I want to and enjoy the process and the colours. Again, it’s not because I ‘feel like a woman’!

I mean, how’s a woman supposed to feel?? I’m a woman (fact), I have feelings (fact) so all those feelings are ‘woman feelings’. That’s it. That’s all there is to it.

People thinking they’re NB because they don’t have these mythical ‘I feel like a woman’ feeling are misled. You are not ‘different’, you’re just like the billions of other women in the world who simply are women but don’t go round ‘feeling like a woman’. I say that not to have a go at you, but in an attempt to explain because it’s so frustrating. It’s also dangerous because it leads teens to think that they have to have ‘special feelings’ in order to be a girl or boy. That is not true.

(sorry, wrong tab so deleted text)

You can love and respect your child and still do what's in their best interest.

Pandering to every child's whim is not love. Part of parenting is steering them down the best path for them. Not the easiest.

And if not feeling like either gender makes you non binary I guess I'm because I don't feel like a man, I don't feel like a woman. What does feeling like a woman mean? I don't get my nails done or wear make up or any of the things that stereotype woman hood.

I just am a woman.

Or maybe I'm not? Maybe I'm an Emby?! Might start identifying as one because it seems to have zero basis in anything tangible.

I understand in this respect it makes sense in the singular. It's still traditionally a third person plural pronoun.When the person been spoken about is known to you it's difficult to keep referring to they & them. Mistakes will undeniabley be made therfore causing unintended offence. My only objection is the expectation that we should do away with he/she etc which I've heard a lot about recently. I see this as just as unfair to those who wish to be referred to in this respect as those who don't.

Encouraging wrong sex pronouns is honestly going to make any child miserable, because no-one can do it for long - not even the most fervent zealots of the trans cause can

it can be very difficult, i find it easy to do he or she but very hard to do they, we had a non binary person stay with us over Christmas and i did say that although we would try to use what they preferred it might not happen.

The transman I was talking to about it kept referring to the non binary person as ‘she’ the whole time and the gay man i was talking to kept saying ‘he’…what bloody chance did i have of saying ‘they’

OP

I have had several friends who took the watchful waiting approach (several different families) who also did not use preferred pronouns over the past 4-5 years.

And their children who were about the age of your son did not believe that their parents 'hated' their child. The parents provided mental health support, they provided love (just like you have) and their children were and are fine and knew that they were cared for while they explored their identities.

I think that each and every child is in an individual and that the parents who are as engaged as you are with your son know what is the best approach to take after they can gather as much information as they can and keep updating their knowledge as new information (new studies and new guidance) becomes available.

I got completely confused the non binary person said they were gay 😳

Once the shock has worn off sit with them & ask what's made them decide this? You may understand a bit better if they can explain it all to you.

At the end of the day HE is still your Son so let them know you can't view them as anything other that that at the minute. It's not that you're not supporting them it's just hard for you to grasp. It could be a phase they're going through but it may be a life choice so you need to be as open with them as possible & let them know you're there for them regardless of how you feel.

Are you a teacher or fellow student that you hear teens speak of their desperation and depression?
What is Cons?
if you are a teacher, how do you support these distressed teens?
At the back of every affected parent’s mind is the thought that their child could be the one who is irreversibly damaged by medical transitioning. That really helps focus our minds and ensures that we take a thoughtful, questioning approach rather than going straight to affirmation.

Shania Twain?

I have a good friend who is a secondary school teacher for the last 20+ years.
She told me she is absolutely baffled at the amount of kids that are now "identifying" themselves with being non- binary, trans or even other things (she gave me the example of a child identifying with a cat).

She said she is seriously considering to stop teaching as all she wants to do is for the kids to learn maths. She is an amazing teacher, very inspirational. The type of techaer you would love your children to have.
And she has to go with all this nonsense she doesnt agree with because its part of the school policy. I wonder at what point this stuff became a dogma.

Anyway, OP I read your past updates and I have to say you couldn't have done better in my view with your son, showing respect and also guidance. Well done, must be so difficult.

This is absolutely true.

My daughters HOY said there is a 'epidemic ' of ND girls in the school identifying as trans or NB

Whole groups of friends.

Which is statistically impossible for all those girls to be "genuine" (in the kindest sense of the word) trans children.

When you have 6 autistic girls in the same class all using male or neutral pronouns how can you say that's not media influence or social contagion??