Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

Before I leave I’m once again highlighting this very excellent post and advice for you OP xx

It is also true that kids who are bullied feel disassociated from their body. And this can be confusing for them particularly if they are reading online that this means they are trans. And they also read that the earlier they start medical transition the better. And if doctors are prepared to give them hormones without proper exploration, the potential to do great harm to these kids is huge.
I don’t think this thread is toxic. It is a useful discussion on a very difficult topic. Some posters have shown a distinct lack of tolerance, which is ironic, but on the whole it strikes me as a thread full of people wanting to do the best for their kids

I’ve tried to be nice but clearly you are so closed minded and aren’t open to any other opinion that isn’t your own.

I am very sorry your child experienced what she did but that is in no way the norm and there are in fact transgender people all across the world.

You can believe what you like, that’s your prerogative but I hope it doesn’t come back to bite you one day.

It seems to me to be a disconnect with your body in the same way that people with eating disorders aren’t attuned to their body

Yes I agree, and you wouldn’t support a child/teen with an eating disorder by agreeing to call them fat, prescribing diet pills and offering liposuction.

Adult trans women look masculine because they are male. It is ingenuous (and that is putting it mildly) to suggest that all their problems would have been solved if they had had hormonal therapies as children. Many trans women (including one I know personally) have fathered children and only decided that they were trans in middle age. It is frankly amazing that you would suggest that their lives would have been better if they had been rendered sterile years ago. I dont think it is toxic to recognise that this ideology is harmful and still provide the loving support a child needs.

The parent has stated she did “go along” with it and they had a name change etc and they figured it out didn’t they?

If you build a secure bond with your child, they’ll feel able to express themselves as they wish. If they decide they want to be another gender, try it out and realise they’re wrong, they’ll have that relationship with their parent to discuss any future steps.

I am not saying blindly go along with it but ignore it and telling them it’s a firm no is just as damaging, if not worse.

I'm still on the thread and taking on advice

Not taking any notice of the stupid arguments though

Day 2 of not using his new pronouns and he is yet to disown me so that's a plus

@Chipshopninja i hope that my story doesn’t cause you any unnecessary worry. Our situation is very complex in that there is trauma from undiagnosed autism and long term bullying. I imagine that we are in quite an extreme but minority situation.

Well done OP. There's no easy answer to all of this. Glad that you've found some useful advice - now that people are less scared of speaking out, I think it's easier for parents to discuss how to handle this.
Although I'm a great believer in principles (no child is born in the wrong body etc) there's no fixed answer about how to parent in these situations (imo).There are some great posts on here from parents sharing how they've dealt with this, setting boundaries while showing their love for their child.
Thank you for starting the thread - despite the arguments, I suspect it's helped a lot more parents than you may realise.

Erm, I don’t recall suggesting “all their problems would be solved” or even that their lives would necessarily have “been better”.

I was just pointing out the twisted irony of shaming and sexualising adult trans women for looking like post- pubertal males in dresses, while , in the same breath ,condemning treatments that provide the only available option for preventing this process of masculinisation . (So what should trans feminine people do to avoid such scorn and condemnation? Just disappear/ stop being trans- clearly).
Sorry the irony was lost on you.

Anyway I said I was out.

Sorry , OP, glad you are still here and taking advice x

This is absolutely horrendous. I hope parents who disagree with schools influencing children in this respect make their voices heard. I have adult children. No school would have dared to discuss the possibility of changing sex/gender with my child without my consent. It comes as no surprise I would have strongly disagreed. Having discussed it with friends they agree.

Indeed, I entirely get that. I just think that there are many parallels in terms of behavior in my experience. It was something people did to be different (while everyone else was doing the same!).

It was all about being different, but being comfortable in difference. In my year at senior school, people were veggie, but ate bacon, or fish, prawns/ shellfish, chicken even! I remember thinking lots of this was a massive leap, even at the time.

I just remember hosting a bbq that was a pure nightmare! I sorted it. It was just the unfamiliar really. So I am leaving the thread to get some sleep!;

By ‘being trans’ you mean having the condition ‘gender dysphoria’? The mind should be treated, not the body.

then do the pronouns. it won't hurt anyone. if it turns out to be a phase, so be it.
but your child has shared with you something that feels very personal and important to them. they might grow out of it, they might not. they are exploring their identity at that age.
tell them. okay, we'll refer to you as they/them. let us know if anything changes.

that's not what it is at all.
I count myself as Nonbinary/Agender (depends on the day)
I'm fine with the body I've got.
I am also autistic. but I've been with one person ever, for about 25 years of my 44 now.he's the sweetest, kindest person I've ever met. I have no trauma from him being attracted to me.
I'm also Demisexual, which is why only the one person I've ever felt close to like that has been my partner, then husband.
autistic people still know their own minds and hearts.
the idea that autistic people are abused into thinking they are nonbinary is laughable

here's the thing. a trans woman strongly feels, I am a woman. I trans man strongly feels I am a man.

if you are non binary, it's kind of 404. gender not found. I don't feel ANY gender.

I'm glad I look female, because I can wear whatever clothes I lke with no fear of being attacked if I want to wear a big, loose, comfortable skirt. people that look male have less freedom about what they can wear in public without attracting unwanted attention.

there have been times in my life I've performed hyperfemininity, but it always felt like dressing up for fun, rather than an expression of my own gender. it was just, playing with make up and clothing is fun.

Just nod, agree and crack on - don’t argue, discuss just plod on x

I don't 'feel any gender' either, but I'm still a woman due to my biology and life experiences. I would probably feel uncomfortable and a bit silly dressed 'hyperfemine' too but I'm still a woman. I can't say I've ever devoted a single second to think about my 'gender', I'm just me.

Same with demisexual, that's a perfectly normal and common way for humans to be. Why the obsession these days with labeling everything as if it's something new or special?

Where does the body shaming of trans women happen?

Do you think it’s ok to give teenagers puberty blockers at the onset of puberty blockers and then give them cross sex hormones before they are 18 given you know it causes medical problems including sterilisation?

So lots of the points I made, neurodivergence, not wanting to be seen in sexualised way. Not wanting to perform hyper feminity all the time is really typical Caitlin Moran is very good on this.

It sounds to me like you are a straight autistic woman, but as an adult you can indentify anyway you like. You will still be marked female on your NHS record and rightly so if you have a cervix ,breasts and a female physiology. Dress however you like that does not define your biological sex. But most importantly I am glad you are happy.

here's the thing. a trans woman strongly feels, I am a woman. I trans man strongly feels I am a man.
if you are non binary, it's kind of 404. gender not found. I don't feel ANY gender.

This makes no sense.

If a man strongly feels he’s a woman then he is nothing more than a man who feels he’s a woman. This feeling holds as much water as a man who feels he is God, or an OAP who feels they are 21.

I don’t feel any gender because I don’t subscribe to the concept of gender identities. Am I non-binary?

As a pp has said, you and others can have any internal feelings and thoughts about yourself that you have, none of them can make other people see you as the sex that you are or change your sex in any material way.

I do understand that for some people their gender identity is very important to them but this is no different to someone’s religion or favourite football team being very important to them. It is, mainly, not at all important to anyone else.

I think leaf that there is this misconception that most people ‘feel’ they are male or female. From talking to people, I don’t believe this is the case. Most of the people I know simply know their sex and feel like a person. Most of their decisions are about them and not based on whether they are male or female unless sex matters to the decision.

That is why much of the discussion that relies on explanations about people ‘feeling’ or ‘just knowing’ fall apart.

I think it is highly likely the more common response is “404. gender not found. I don't feel ANY gender.” Hence why so many people say ‘we are all non-binary’.

It is like the designation of ‘cis’ being meaningless. Partly because that term forces everyone to believe that they have a ‘gender identity’. It is not a neutral term that so many activists have explained it to be because it actively decides the beliefs of those it labels.

This. I don’t understand why people try to complicate it or try to explain it into existence.

I do understand that for some people their gender identity is very important to them but this is no different to someone’s religion or favourite football team being very important to them. It is, mainly, not at all important to anyone else.

This

Exactly. Most people dont have a "gender identity", they are either male or female biologically, and the rest is their personality which has nothing to do with gender. However, for the ones entrenched in this ideology that seems to be a hard concept to grasp. It really is like a religion.

I seriously don't understand this. They/them in the English language is plural & means more than one person. If a person said to me they left an hour ago I would assume the person didn't leave alone. It doesn't make sense.