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Original poster

How to deal with sister after what DH told me

160 replies

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 13:47

I’m not surprised actually I’m just a little hurt but not overly shocked. At Xmas we had all gone to bed but DH and my sister had stayed awake drinking. She told him she doesn’t like me or the rest of the siblings and can’t stand my parents which is very surprising as she’s always smooching up to them and being all nicey nicey to them. She told him she only cares about making herself happy and everyone else can go to hell. DH got the impression she’s sleeping around and cheating on her DH, I’m not shocked by this as she seems to go away for many weekends leaving kids with her DH. It feels like she said more but my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t he’s only told me things that I kind of had a feeling about.

she’s always been a very jealous person and quite vindictive. She asked me a year ago if I can take a phone contract out for her which I refused and the. Asked for money so she can buy a car. She’s much older but always looks at all of us as kind of that we owe her and should go without as long as she gets anything.

i have felt guilty in the past as she pleads poverty so I give her kids cash and gift cards on their birthdays but then whenever I see her she has the latest gadgets and nice clothes.

i have a feeling she tried it on with my DH but he hasn’t said, he just implied it. I kind of feel a little relieved knowing all these years when I’ve sensed something I haven’t been wrong and she is just a user who tries to use people. I don’t want her in my life anymore but for the sake of the kids don’t want a full blown confrontation. One thing that got to me was she told DH that I cause so many issues and can’t let things go. She was referring to my SA when I was a child because I refuse to talk to that family member whilst the rest of the siblings still talk to him. That part is the only part I’m really angry about.

what would you do? I feel a little angry and a little relieved that I’m not imaging it all and she is a horrible evil little cow I always knew she was

she does have a little hold over me which I don’t get such as if if want to see my other sibling she’s never happy if we meet up alone and always wants to be there but it’s okay for her to meet that sibling alone and see me alone.

OP posts:
DazedAndConfused321 · 02/01/2025 14:05

What do you think your parents and siblings would say/feel/do if they knew? Are they likely to believe you and your husband? I think you'd need to find out if she tried it on with your DH too, purely for context for your family.

Can you trust your husband? You need to know all the facts.

WilfredsPies · 02/01/2025 14:07

I would be very, very careful here. I don’t think I would trust either one of them right now. She might not be your problem but your DH… it’s setting some alarm bells ringing for me.

i have a feeling she tried it on with my DH but he hasn’t said, he just implied it This is unacceptable from both of them. He is your husband; he doesn’t get to imply that your sister may have tried it on with him, and then say no more. His loyalty should be to his wife, not an extended family member. He needs to be very clear with you exactly what was said and/or done, and what he did to make it very clear to her that it was inappropriate.

She told him she doesn’t like me or the rest of the siblings At which point, he should have told her that she was entitled to her opinion but that he wouldn’t be engaging in any conversation where she was being negative about you. His loyalty should be to you.

my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t he’s only told me things that I kind of had a feeling about Again, his loyalty should be with you. The second she started confiding in him, he should have stopped her and made it very clear that he didn’t keep any secrets from his wife, so to only continue if she was ok with that. He’s made it him and her versus everyone else now, and has done a very thorough job in making sure that you know she’s a wicked manipulator who sleeps around and tells lies, while he’s just an innocent listening ear who can be trusted to keep people’s secrets. If it later emerges that anything else was said or done, who will be the first person at fault in your mind?

Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:08

Yes I trust my husband. I can feel a lot more was said but he doesn’t want to upset me. I don’t think I would share with siblings or parents.

OP posts:
NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 02/01/2025 14:09

WilfredsPies · 02/01/2025 14:07

I would be very, very careful here. I don’t think I would trust either one of them right now. She might not be your problem but your DH… it’s setting some alarm bells ringing for me.

i have a feeling she tried it on with my DH but he hasn’t said, he just implied it This is unacceptable from both of them. He is your husband; he doesn’t get to imply that your sister may have tried it on with him, and then say no more. His loyalty should be to his wife, not an extended family member. He needs to be very clear with you exactly what was said and/or done, and what he did to make it very clear to her that it was inappropriate.

She told him she doesn’t like me or the rest of the siblings At which point, he should have told her that she was entitled to her opinion but that he wouldn’t be engaging in any conversation where she was being negative about you. His loyalty should be to you.

my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t he’s only told me things that I kind of had a feeling about Again, his loyalty should be with you. The second she started confiding in him, he should have stopped her and made it very clear that he didn’t keep any secrets from his wife, so to only continue if she was ok with that. He’s made it him and her versus everyone else now, and has done a very thorough job in making sure that you know she’s a wicked manipulator who sleeps around and tells lies, while he’s just an innocent listening ear who can be trusted to keep people’s secrets. If it later emerges that anything else was said or done, who will be the first person at fault in your mind?

Absolutely this! With bells on.....

BumbleBee120 · 02/01/2025 14:10

He promised her he wouldnt tell you certain things? That seems a bit odd, shouldnt his loyalties be to you rather than your sister? I think you need to find out more about what they spoke about ..

Coffeemmmmcoffee · 02/01/2025 14:13

Yup I also agree with @WilfredsPies

your DH should have shut this conversation down the minute she slagged you off. He has engaged in it, and then promised her to wont disclose it to you. That’s really inappropriate of him.

I wouldn’t trust either of them

Nothingisrealisit · 02/01/2025 14:15

I would not be happy at all about my DH sharing secrets with my sister. He should never have put himself in the position of agreeing to keep secrets from you. And I wouldn't be happy about him being drawn into bad mouthing your family.
I think you should ask your sister yourself about what you were told of the conversation.
And I would talk to your DH about where his loyalty lies: with you or her.

Chocolatey1234 · 02/01/2025 14:15

I think there is more to this than meets the eye. I could be wrong but this all sounds fishy.

Why would your DSIS confess all this to your DH (if nothing was going on between them knowing he was likely to blab and why would he put himself in a position to stay up late alone with her ‘drinking’ with her and potentially put himself and his relationship with in jeopardy if nothing was going on between them or if he didn’t still fancy her if she had made a play for him in the past. He has had to give you some ‘titbits’ to excuse the late night drinking and long time spent alone in her company knowing you might lap this up and this might help throw you off the scent

OlderandwiserMaybe · 02/01/2025 14:15

Yep - what @WilfredsPies said.
The conversation between them should never have happened really.
Also if you have experienced SA from a family member why are the rest of your family not fully supporting you and cutting ties with the offender?

May09Bump · 02/01/2025 14:16

She was referring to my SA when I was a child because I refuse to talk to that family member whilst the rest of the siblings still talk to him. That part is the only part I’m really angry about.

I'd go no contact with anyone still speaking to your abuser - also if family are socialising with him with children I would report to social services / police.

And your Husband needs to tell you clearly if she's tried it on and anything else he's omitted.

Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:19

Thank you to people agreeing they shouldn’t be talking to my abuser still. I know deep down it’s not right but the years of normalising It from them has made me feel I should just get over it.

I know it is not right they were up drinking. I’m not happy that he did this. He should have come up to bed straight away.

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 02/01/2025 14:21

I can’t edit my post, but just to add that I think your question really needs to be not how to deal with your sister, but how to deal with your ‘D’ H.

There’s more to this than meets the eye. And it’s not just that they were up drinking. That could be entirely innocent. It’s the discussions they were having while they were up drinking.

Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:21

I just feel my family is so messed up. I only speak to them for appearances, truthfully I have no love for them apart from maybe my nieces and nephews. The rest of them I really do not like especially after finding this out

OP posts:
BrightSnail · 02/01/2025 14:21

Yeeeeah. I'm with others - I would be very uncomfortable about my husband giving a drunken ear to this kind of thing. In fact that would very much be at the forefront of my mind here, rather than the whinings of a sister I already know is on her own planet.

ginasevern · 02/01/2025 14:24

So your DH stayed up drinking and sharing secrets with your sister, and you think that's OK? Personally, I think he's bad mouthing her to cover his tracks when she shouts from the rooftops that he made a pass at her - or worse.

GetyourheadoutoftheovenIris · 02/01/2025 14:24

I would go no contact with anyone that continues to have any kind of relationship with the person that abused you! Wtf are they on?

Demodog · 02/01/2025 14:26

WilfredsPies · 02/01/2025 14:21

I can’t edit my post, but just to add that I think your question really needs to be not how to deal with your sister, but how to deal with your ‘D’ H.

There’s more to this than meets the eye. And it’s not just that they were up drinking. That could be entirely innocent. It’s the discussions they were having while they were up drinking.

Edited

I agree.

Why is he bread-crumbing this? He needs to tell you exactly what was said and what went on. If he's a decent bloke then why was he sitting up playing agony uncle when she was slagging you off?

This doesn't ring true.

Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:31

They all have a WhatsApp group with my abuser and his family. I didn’t know, my eldest nephew let it slip by accident. That really hurt me too. Sorry for posting it here when nothing to do with my thread. It just really upset me.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/01/2025 14:31

Convenient that he's revealed all this information that makes you likely to cut your sister off or have a huge argument rather than speak to her.

Especially as he's 'hinting' or breadcrumbing that she came onto him.

May09Bump · 02/01/2025 14:33

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:19

Thank you to people agreeing they shouldn’t be talking to my abuser still. I know deep down it’s not right but the years of normalising It from them has made me feel I should just get over it.

I know it is not right they were up drinking. I’m not happy that he did this. He should have come up to bed straight away.

Get some therapy to help you find a path to get away from these people- build a new healthy life for 2025 onwards.

WilfredsPies · 02/01/2025 14:35

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:31

They all have a WhatsApp group with my abuser and his family. I didn’t know, my eldest nephew let it slip by accident. That really hurt me too. Sorry for posting it here when nothing to do with my thread. It just really upset me.

I’m not bloody surprised it upset you; it would devastate anyone.

Based on the very minimal amount of information you’ve given here, I don’t think that your sister is the only arsehole in your family. I think she might just be a bit more obvious about it than the others.

I also think that you might have married someone because they feel familiar to you; ie, another arsehole.

Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:37

@WilfredsPies thank you. Yes you are right! I’ve heard this before about people repeating patterns they are familiar with.

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 02/01/2025 14:37

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:31

They all have a WhatsApp group with my abuser and his family. I didn’t know, my eldest nephew let it slip by accident. That really hurt me too. Sorry for posting it here when nothing to do with my thread. It just really upset me.

Wow. This is incredible. I'm so sorry nobody has your back, op.

Richard1985 · 02/01/2025 14:41

Sounds like something happened between them and your husband is breadcrumbing some info for if/when shit hits the fan

Mymanyellow · 02/01/2025 14:43

I hope your abuser isn’t having contact with any children in the family? If he is that needs reporting.
Also I’d be very wary about what you’re being told here sounds like dh is getting his story in first.

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