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Original poster

How to deal with sister after what DH told me

160 replies

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 13:47

I’m not surprised actually I’m just a little hurt but not overly shocked. At Xmas we had all gone to bed but DH and my sister had stayed awake drinking. She told him she doesn’t like me or the rest of the siblings and can’t stand my parents which is very surprising as she’s always smooching up to them and being all nicey nicey to them. She told him she only cares about making herself happy and everyone else can go to hell. DH got the impression she’s sleeping around and cheating on her DH, I’m not shocked by this as she seems to go away for many weekends leaving kids with her DH. It feels like she said more but my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t he’s only told me things that I kind of had a feeling about.

she’s always been a very jealous person and quite vindictive. She asked me a year ago if I can take a phone contract out for her which I refused and the. Asked for money so she can buy a car. She’s much older but always looks at all of us as kind of that we owe her and should go without as long as she gets anything.

i have felt guilty in the past as she pleads poverty so I give her kids cash and gift cards on their birthdays but then whenever I see her she has the latest gadgets and nice clothes.

i have a feeling she tried it on with my DH but he hasn’t said, he just implied it. I kind of feel a little relieved knowing all these years when I’ve sensed something I haven’t been wrong and she is just a user who tries to use people. I don’t want her in my life anymore but for the sake of the kids don’t want a full blown confrontation. One thing that got to me was she told DH that I cause so many issues and can’t let things go. She was referring to my SA when I was a child because I refuse to talk to that family member whilst the rest of the siblings still talk to him. That part is the only part I’m really angry about.

what would you do? I feel a little angry and a little relieved that I’m not imaging it all and she is a horrible evil little cow I always knew she was

she does have a little hold over me which I don’t get such as if if want to see my other sibling she’s never happy if we meet up alone and always wants to be there but it’s okay for her to meet that sibling alone and see me alone.

OP posts:
Borninabarn32 · 02/01/2025 18:15

my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t

Er that's not how marriage works. He has no allegiance to her, you're his wife and his loyalty to you takes priority. You don't keep secrets from your wife/husband.

He sounds like an arsehole though the way he's talking to you. I wouldn't trust him, he's not faithful to you and your sister clearly sees that by knowing she can say these things to him and he'll keep it from you. No one would tell my DP a secret or criticise me to DP becusse he'd tell me and he'd have my back to anyone even if he agreed with them

IhateBegonias · 02/01/2025 18:16

Try to limit your contact with sister. Especially as they are in contact with your abuser. How horrid of them! I’m so sorry you have to put up with them. Put yourself first and have firm words with your husband. He should be acting better than this and definitely shouldn’t have stayed up drinking with her. I wouldn’t invite a person like this around to stay.

LushLemonTart · 02/01/2025 18:22

DeepRoseFish · 02/01/2025 16:44

The fact that he is sulking because you won’t let it drop would arouse my suspicions even further!

Definitely. There's something fishy here.

SpryCat · 02/01/2025 18:23

Have you had any therapy regarding the SA? The remark about you never letting anything go by your sister means you should’ve shut up and kept the abuser sweet and not made any fuss! WTF and thank goodness you didn’t because you were a victim who deserves to be believed by those closest to you. Any children around the abuser need protection but your family would rather turn a blind eye as it’s too distressing for them to actually speak up and stand with you, to go to the authorities with you and report him.
Your husband repeating that you never let anything go is abusive, he is showing he stands with them. He is also turning his complicity in staying up late with your sister while she slated you and throwing snippets of information to you onto it being a problem you have with letting anything lie. He is just as bad and would obviously allow it to happen to your own children.

Tillow4ever · 02/01/2025 18:23

so sorry OP, I can’t imagine his latest reaction/comment has made you feel any better with us all telling you what we think. He certainly sounds like a man with something to hide. How very obliging of you to give him time to work his story out though….

LushLemonTart · 02/01/2025 18:25

Tessabelle74 · 02/01/2025 16:47

I'd bet my weeks wages that your husband and your sister did more than chat. I'm sorry but he's set her up nicely, if she ever says anything along those lines, you won't believe her. The fact that he's in a mood with YOU is very suspicious to me. He should be upset FOR you, not AT you.

My first thought too

Jolietta · 02/01/2025 18:38

Your husband is setting the scene and giving his version of events and giving you titbits of information.

He sounds a complete snake.

They were both drinking and if anything was said you cannot be sure what was actually said, the tone it was said in or if it was said in jest.

It's best that your husband doesn't stay up late drinking with your sister again and I really wouldn't believe everything he has said. I'm

DaringLion · 02/01/2025 18:45

Borninabarn32 · 02/01/2025 18:15

my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t

Er that's not how marriage works. He has no allegiance to her, you're his wife and his loyalty to you takes priority. You don't keep secrets from your wife/husband.

He sounds like an arsehole though the way he's talking to you. I wouldn't trust him, he's not faithful to you and your sister clearly sees that by knowing she can say these things to him and he'll keep it from you. No one would tell my DP a secret or criticise me to DP becusse he'd tell me and he'd have my back to anyone even if he agreed with them

This is spot on

CactusPeach · 02/01/2025 18:50

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 16:41

Thank you all so much everyone for your messages and insights. I tried to talk to DH and his response was “I wish I never told you, I should have known you would react like this”. I’ve left it now. I’m sat in kitchen whilst kids are playing and he’s sulking in living room. He keeps muttering things like “she’s right, you never do let things go”. I’m ignoring him. I’m waiting till 7pm so can get kids ready for bed and I’m just going to watch Netflix on my phone and stay out of his way.

Sounds like @WilfredsPies hit the nail on the head, another arsehole indeed. I can't believe he's agreeing that you don't let things go when 'things' is child SA! That's unforgivable to me.
I'm sorry that you doubt yourself @iCantStopppEatinggg your feelings are totally valid, but I understand how the dynamics in messed up families can f with your mind.
I suspect you'd be happier without your family in your life, and probably your "d"h tbh. Sending you my good wishes x

Spondoolies · 02/01/2025 18:51

I agree with all the PPs he has totally breadcrumbed the foundations of his lie so your sister looks crazy if she spills the beans that he made a pass at her or they kissed/slept together. I would call your sister and tell her your DH has admitted what happened between them and she what she says to that!

JustSawJohnny · 02/01/2025 18:56

I don't want to sound harsh, OP but I think what I'd have to try to do in your position now is to stop being a pushover.

First I'd tell DH he can feck right off if he thinks he's going to keep secrets for your sister or 'imply' she tried it on with him - you're his wife and he owes you the truth. He needs to understand that in covering up for her/shielding you from hurt he is being disloyal and it's not OK.

As for your 'D'Sis, I'd be telling her to get fucked with her comments re your SA and not to bother coming to you next time she's on the scrounge.

She is quite clearly a self-centred CF and it's about time you, and everyone else, stopped pandering to her.

CactusPeach · 02/01/2025 19:02

Forgot to say I would also speak to your sister about what was said/done, partly to make her feel uncomfortable about her feelings towards you, partly to hear her side about your husband that night but mainly to break the little secret circle they've got going on, it will shake both of them up.
Maybe your husband is "innocent" and the worst he did was listen to her when he should have shut it down.
But maybe more happened, because as others have said, what he's saying, and crucially what he's not saying, also sounds like it could be to discredit her so you won't believe her and will easily turn against her when it's revealed something happened between them.

JLou08 · 02/01/2025 19:10

All very odd. How would your sister be able to say all this to your DH? I'd be shutting it right down if someone started talking about my DH this way. I also wouldn't be off repeating anything his family said to me whilst they were drunk, that's causing unnecessary trouble.
How would he get the impression she is sleeping around? Why do you think she tried it on with him?
I think he tried it on with her or something has happened and he's laying the ground work to turn you against her so he can get away with it if she tells you what actually happened.

JLou08 · 02/01/2025 19:12

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 16:41

Thank you all so much everyone for your messages and insights. I tried to talk to DH and his response was “I wish I never told you, I should have known you would react like this”. I’ve left it now. I’m sat in kitchen whilst kids are playing and he’s sulking in living room. He keeps muttering things like “she’s right, you never do let things go”. I’m ignoring him. I’m waiting till 7pm so can get kids ready for bed and I’m just going to watch Netflix on my phone and stay out of his way.

He's gasslighting you. I would not trust him.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 02/01/2025 19:13

You are being manoeuvred OP

littlemissprosseco · 02/01/2025 19:16

This is completely messed up!
Your husband should have your back, always. If he doesn’t then you have a problem.
Your family should have your back regarding the SA, they don’t. You have a problem.
All the nieces and nephews in your family are at risk as you are all shielding a sex offender

ilovesushi · 02/01/2025 19:18

She sounds horrendous. It genuinely sounds like you would be a lot better off with her out of your life. I know that is not easy with all the complex family relationships, but she is bringing nothing good to your life. x

SpryCat · 02/01/2025 19:20

In a dysfunctional family you are expected to keep secrets, that to tell the truth is disloyal. Your own needs are discarded by everyone and if you speak up you’re labelled a trouble maker. Your job is to keep up pretences and be compliant, you feel ashamed for having your own thoughts and feelings. Anything horrific that happens to you is either completely ignored or your own fault.
Partners are usually just as abusive as your family of origin because choosing someone who would treat you respectfully and have your back is alien to you.
To live your life free from abusive family you need to explore with therapy the extent you have been conditioned and how to free yourself from it. To learnt to live with healthy boundaries and protect your child from the dysfunction of your past affecting them.

MountainChalet · 02/01/2025 19:23

What a toxic family. I would cut contact with them and get rid of the husband too. He clearly did more than talk to your sister.

Neveragain8102 · 02/01/2025 19:26

Oh lovely, to put it bluntly - your family is seriously fucked up and toxic. And the fact your husband is entertaining this shit and then scampering back to you to tell tales whilst implying he's not telling you everything is frankly digusting.

Coming from such a family there's an incredibly good chance your arsehole/fuckwit/abuser radar is a bit broken.

If you can get the hell away from your family (I did similar - best thing I ever did) and start totally prioritising yourself, your mental health, and what's best for you - you might find yourself starting to see your marriage through new eyes as a result

Neveragain8102 · 02/01/2025 19:34

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 16:41

Thank you all so much everyone for your messages and insights. I tried to talk to DH and his response was “I wish I never told you, I should have known you would react like this”. I’ve left it now. I’m sat in kitchen whilst kids are playing and he’s sulking in living room. He keeps muttering things like “she’s right, you never do let things go”. I’m ignoring him. I’m waiting till 7pm so can get kids ready for bed and I’m just going to watch Netflix on my phone and stay out of his way.

Oh, now this had made me utterly furious for you.

This man is gaslighting you and prioritising his needs and feelings above yours.

And I bet he does this to you all the time over so many other things too DOESNT he?

I bet he has very little respect for your feelings, if you start to look back and analyse.

I bet you're never allowed to be hurt or upset or bothered by any of his actions without Jim's sulking and playing to poor poor victim of a hysterectomy cal wife, am I right?

I'm sorry. This is utterly unforgivable behaviour given he knows the history and this is your family causing you hurt and pain and using him as a springboard.

I'm truly livid for you now, after reading this update.

At best he's an emotionally immature and manipulative arse.

As someone said below - people who've had to live with toxic families often repeats the pattern by choosing toxic people as friends and partners.

Please look after yourself and get some space and distance

XiCi · 02/01/2025 19:54

I've no idea how you are quietly stood in the kitchen OP because I'd have gone ballistic by now. He is a nasty piece of shit. 'She's right you never let things go'. So he would let it go would he, if he'd been sexually abused by a family member? 100% he would not. He also does not get to just imply that your sister came on to him and tell you no more. You're his wife. You're just supposed to wonder for the rest of your life whether your own sister tried to cheat with your husband are you? Absolutely fuck that shit. Find your strength OP. I'd be asking my sister why she was sat slagging me off to my DH in my own home. If the answer was unsatisfactory I'd never have her in my home again and my DH would be telling me everything or he could fuck off to my sisters house and carry on their lovely little 'chat' for good.

MrsPeterHarris · 02/01/2025 20:03

WilfredsPies · 02/01/2025 14:07

I would be very, very careful here. I don’t think I would trust either one of them right now. She might not be your problem but your DH… it’s setting some alarm bells ringing for me.

i have a feeling she tried it on with my DH but he hasn’t said, he just implied it This is unacceptable from both of them. He is your husband; he doesn’t get to imply that your sister may have tried it on with him, and then say no more. His loyalty should be to his wife, not an extended family member. He needs to be very clear with you exactly what was said and/or done, and what he did to make it very clear to her that it was inappropriate.

She told him she doesn’t like me or the rest of the siblings At which point, he should have told her that she was entitled to her opinion but that he wouldn’t be engaging in any conversation where she was being negative about you. His loyalty should be to you.

my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t he’s only told me things that I kind of had a feeling about Again, his loyalty should be with you. The second she started confiding in him, he should have stopped her and made it very clear that he didn’t keep any secrets from his wife, so to only continue if she was ok with that. He’s made it him and her versus everyone else now, and has done a very thorough job in making sure that you know she’s a wicked manipulator who sleeps around and tells lies, while he’s just an innocent listening ear who can be trusted to keep people’s secrets. If it later emerges that anything else was said or done, who will be the first person at fault in your mind?

This 100 times over.

Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 20:05

Thank you everyone for supporting me. I just feel I can never just confront people as all my life ive been told im a trouble maker. I know I should get angry but I just think this is good it’s happened as I feel more able to not let her control me. Someone asked me why I feel unable to meet my other sister without her it’s just she makes comments when we meet up and acts like she’s hurt. I do t like people feeling upset around me so I just avoid the negative feelings by not seeing other sibling.

OP posts:
TurkeyLurkey4 · 02/01/2025 20:20

I really feel for you OP. Your head must be spinning right now. Several people have mentioned DARVO, and i second that! There is a book that I read called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and it helped me to understand the relationship dynamics in toxic families and how this can play out in romantic relationships. It might help you find your strength.

You deserve kindness and support after everything you’ve been through.