How to deal with sister after what DH told me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I’m not surprised actually I’m just a little hurt but not overly shocked. At Xmas we had all gone to bed but DH and my sister had stayed awake drinking. She told him she doesn’t like me or the rest of the siblings and can’t stand my parents which is very surprising as she’s always smooching up to them and being all nicey nicey to them. She told him she only cares about making herself happy and everyone else can go to hell. DH got the impression she’s sleeping around and cheating on her DH, I’m not shocked by this as she seems to go away for many weekends leaving kids with her DH. It feels like she said more but my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t he’s only told me things that I kind of had a feeling about.

she’s always been a very jealous person and quite vindictive. She asked me a year ago if I can take a phone contract out for her which I refused and the. Asked for money so she can buy a car. She’s much older but always looks at all of us as kind of that we owe her and should go without as long as she gets anything.

i have felt guilty in the past as she pleads poverty so I give her kids cash and gift cards on their birthdays but then whenever I see her she has the latest gadgets and nice clothes.

i have a feeling she tried it on with my DH but he hasn’t said, he just implied it. I kind of feel a little relieved knowing all these years when I’ve sensed something I haven’t been wrong and she is just a user who tries to use people. I don’t want her in my life anymore but for the sake of the kids don’t want a full blown confrontation. One thing that got to me was she told DH that I cause so many issues and can’t let things go. She was referring to my SA when I was a child because I refuse to talk to that family member whilst the rest of the siblings still talk to him. That part is the only part I’m really angry about.

what would you do? I feel a little angry and a little relieved that I’m not imaging it all and she is a horrible evil little cow I always knew she was

she does have a little hold over me which I don’t get such as if if want to see my other sibling she’s never happy if we meet up alone and always wants to be there but it’s okay for her to meet that sibling alone and see me alone.

In a toxic family/group dynamic the 'trouble maker' is always the one who is the most emotionally intelligent and stable.

The 'troublemaker' is a threat to the entire sick dynamic.

I second sons of the book recommendations and want to add my own: Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward.

Hugs to you

@Neveragain8102 makes a valid point. You're a threat to their toxicity.

And who is telling you that you’re a trouble maker, exactly? Would it be the people who just want you to sit down and shut up, so they can have an easy life? They’ve damaged you. They’ve made you believe that you have to accept their bad behaviour.

We have such a short time to spend on this planet. You’ve had some terrible luck by being born into a family or arseholes and then going on to marry one. That last comment from your husband ‘She was right about you never letting go of stuff’ I would never forgive him for that. I rarely shout LTB on these threads because I think every marriage goes through tough times and it’s not my life which will be turned upside down, but please God let this be the year that you see this disloyal, gaslighting little snake for who he truly is and fuck him off for a peaceful life away from him and away from your family.

Your husband sounds guilty as hell, I feel something definitely happened between them.
I'd be inclined to speak to your sister and pretend you know everything, see what she has to say.

Hold tight. Theyre all used to gaslighting you and your DH has now fallen in with them. He should be reassuring you that its ok to be upset and hes got your back. It doesnt sound that way to me.

You arent in any way being unreasonable about anything. They sound utterly toxic, the lot of them

I’m not sure, I would assume they were both very drunk. And she may have let her mouth run away from her. And I’m also not sure about your husbands role in this, and if he’s getting his story in first.

my husband would have sat up drinking with my sibling, but if it deteriorated like he says, he’d have gone to bed. Yours didn’t. He even made promises not to say amd is now insinuating she cracked on to him. When it’s feasible he cracked on to her. I’d personally hear her side. Sober.

I can’t believe they are all in cahoots with your SA. That’s appalling. You really should out him. It sounds as if your sister is a prize bitch (mine tried it on with my ex years ago too). I’d have strong words to say to your DH and definitely dump your sister.

Yes to all of this!

I agree with the others that your husband's loyalty needs to be to you and you alone.

That op,

I would absolutely do all of this. Your family seems horrible human beings and your husband is not telling you stuff.

He said he won't say anything to you about what she said?...
I'd be telling him to F off just with this, let alone the other stuff

Cut her out of your life. The end.

I’m so sorry but I too feel like your DH and sister did more than just talk. He is projecting his guilt on you by sulking and mentally tortured by only giving half a story, expecting you to be okay with it.

I would strongly suggest counselling (and leaving him, or at least not dropping it - he is clearly withholding something unpleasant but you need to know).

Are you grasping here OP how in the wrong your DP is just yet ? Please pay attention to the wisdoms written here and don't just focus on your sister - there is more going on here that just your sibling relationship issues, your DP appears to be utterly uncaring (at best!)

I can not believe your siblings talk to your SA. I would not bother with any of them.

As for your husband saying "your sister's right you can't let anything is go," what a wanker. I would slap him first and then kick him out. You were abused - you should never let it go. Your family should be supporting you by having no contact with this man.
And your husband should not have secrets with your sister.

Sorry for the rant but I'm absolutely horrified by your husband and family.
You deserve so much better.
Sending you a massive hug.

I agree 100%.

I was prepared to give your husband the benefit of the doubt at first until I read what he started muttering.

What is the matter with these people, can they not imagine what the sexual abuse has done to you? The abuser should be cut out of their lives and, frankly, your sister is awful.

You'd be better off without any of them.

Limit contact from now on and be casual with your husband. Go about your normal life with confidence and try to enjoy yourself independently. I don't care about the family but husband needs a strong wake up call.

Wishing you strength, op, and peace. May 2025 be your year!

My main question would be why did your sister feel so comfortable slagging you off to your husband? Anyone who made the mistake of thinking my husband would welcome that would be set right by him quickly.

OP would you be comfortable showing this thread to your husband? So he can see what people who have no benefit from telling you are being honest and are backing you up. I do understand if it’s something you can’t do. Mumsnet collectively have all agreed that yes, you have a sister and toxic family problem but your biggest issue is with him and his lack of understanding and loyalty to you.

Very few people not on here really give a shit about what some randoms think on line.

I wonder if you sent your sister a text just saying dh has told me everything, see what she comes back with.

It's similar in my family. The abuser was allowed to just be, no consequences. Its still considered a shame on family if that comes out, so they prefer to ignore it. It didnt happen to me but I knew about it and tried to speak out, make a change, do something. Just to be shut down and told that he does it only when drunk so it doesn't count. Horrible!!!!!! He is dead now but if he was alive I would call police. Don't leave it to family to sort it out. They are more concerned about the good impressions than the horrible hurt and abuse.
Its never one time abuse - if they have done it once - they will do again.
Call police NOW. I wish I did, but I was a child and didn't know.
Prevent this person from hurting others- it's your responsibility.

Your husband is loving this. His loyalties should 100% lie with you, I think he’s enjoyed the attention off your sister and using it to wind you up. What a nob.

part of the issue is interpretation of how someone takes what x person says, some you say the snow is nice and then someone presumes you love snow just because you said its nice.

sometimes its the context thats key, and hows its said and what words are used and how that person means those words to be used etc that can all add missing context @iCantStopppEatinggg

Thank you everyone. I haven’t texted her as I know it will just be turned around and I will be the bad one. That’s how dysfunctional families work. I’m just going to keep my distance and be civil when I see her but no way will I ever trust her again. DH showed me messages where she’s asked him what he’s told me and her pleading not to mention anything she said. I’m really trying to get this out of my head. I’m glad actually I see her for who she is now. I tried to speak to my mum this morning as I can’t speak to anyone else in rl but she as usual sided with her saying she’s done nothing wrong. My mum admitted she saw them drinking after everyone gone to bed but she did nothing wrong! I highly doubt anything else happened as I know my mum was there too. But truthfully I know what my family is like they brush things under the carpet so no point in trying to talk or clear the air. I really wish I had a normal family!

sccording to DH she went all crazy mentioning how much trouble I always cause and why can’t I just get over things in the past. I highly doubt me trying to clear the air will result in anything other than I’m causing problems AGAIN.