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Original poster

How to deal with sister after what DH told me

160 replies

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 13:47

I’m not surprised actually I’m just a little hurt but not overly shocked. At Xmas we had all gone to bed but DH and my sister had stayed awake drinking. She told him she doesn’t like me or the rest of the siblings and can’t stand my parents which is very surprising as she’s always smooching up to them and being all nicey nicey to them. She told him she only cares about making herself happy and everyone else can go to hell. DH got the impression she’s sleeping around and cheating on her DH, I’m not shocked by this as she seems to go away for many weekends leaving kids with her DH. It feels like she said more but my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t he’s only told me things that I kind of had a feeling about.

she’s always been a very jealous person and quite vindictive. She asked me a year ago if I can take a phone contract out for her which I refused and the. Asked for money so she can buy a car. She’s much older but always looks at all of us as kind of that we owe her and should go without as long as she gets anything.

i have felt guilty in the past as she pleads poverty so I give her kids cash and gift cards on their birthdays but then whenever I see her she has the latest gadgets and nice clothes.

i have a feeling she tried it on with my DH but he hasn’t said, he just implied it. I kind of feel a little relieved knowing all these years when I’ve sensed something I haven’t been wrong and she is just a user who tries to use people. I don’t want her in my life anymore but for the sake of the kids don’t want a full blown confrontation. One thing that got to me was she told DH that I cause so many issues and can’t let things go. She was referring to my SA when I was a child because I refuse to talk to that family member whilst the rest of the siblings still talk to him. That part is the only part I’m really angry about.

what would you do? I feel a little angry and a little relieved that I’m not imaging it all and she is a horrible evil little cow I always knew she was

she does have a little hold over me which I don’t get such as if if want to see my other sibling she’s never happy if we meet up alone and always wants to be there but it’s okay for her to meet that sibling alone and see me alone.

OP posts:
FuriousPoodle · 02/01/2025 15:36

He has been a willing listener to her bitching about you. And now he won’t tell you exactly what was said. There’s something seriously wrong that his loyalty lies with your nasty sister instead of you.

SquirrelSoShiny · 02/01/2025 15:36

Both of them are playing games with you. I wouldn't trust either of them.

textilesandscience · 02/01/2025 15:37

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textilesandscience · 02/01/2025 15:37

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BlueSky2023 · 02/01/2025 15:39

iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 14:21

I just feel my family is so messed up. I only speak to them for appearances, truthfully I have no love for them apart from maybe my nieces and nephews. The rest of them I really do not like especially after finding this out

So she was verbalising her feelings towards the family which happens to be the same as yours, neither of ye seem to like each other or your other family members and it came out when she was drinking, it’s quite sad really, can you arrange to meet with her and discuss the whole thing over coffee?

DeepRoseFish · 02/01/2025 15:40

ginasevern · 02/01/2025 14:24

So your DH stayed up drinking and sharing secrets with your sister, and you think that's OK? Personally, I think he's bad mouthing her to cover his tracks when she shouts from the rooftops that he made a pass at her - or worse.

I agree with this. He’s getting in there first!

I wouldn’t be surprised at all if they actually slept together.

Sazzerss · 02/01/2025 15:44

Oh OP, you poor thing.
Family of scum and a really dodgy sounding husband.

I wouldn't trust any of them. Sorry.

I think you need to talk to someone independent of them all, to tease out how you feel.

For now pull back.
Be wary of that husnand of yours.
He is not behaving how a good man does.

Is he "managing" you?
With a toxic story to blacken her name?
Mind yourself.

TheignT · 02/01/2025 15:51

I'm teetotal and I generally take no notice of what drunks say. You said they were up drinking, do you think they were drunk?

diddl · 02/01/2025 15:54

Where did this happen?

Honestly if it was at your house he should have told her to leave!

I just feel my family is so messed up. I only speak to them for appearances, truthfully I have no love for them apart from maybe my nieces and nephews.

So you & your sister feel the same & know it-so what's your husband telling you this for?

Arraminta · 02/01/2025 16:00

This whole shebang sounds poisonous. I couldn't bear to live like this - all these Chinese Whispers, mysterious hints, half hearted explanations, half broken promises and vague confessions. FFS! It all sounds incredibly immature.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2025 16:20

@iCantStopppEatinggg

Well first off, in a way I'd be sort of glad that she and DH stayed up drinking since it seems to have brought out things from her that you suspected. And as far as what else she may have said that he's not telling you, do you really want or need to know? Seems to me you have enough info to be going on with. Why torture yourself with more hurtful information when you already have enough to justify any actions you wish to take?

At this point, since your family obviously doesn't have your back, I don't think I'd go for a huge confrontation. It may satisfy you for the moment, but it's unlikely to change anything and will probably blow up in your face. Instead, I'd engineer a slow fade, definitely from your sister, and possibly from the rest of your family. Do any of them really serve a purpose in or add anything positive to your life?

So, start with not responding right away to messages, ignoring any messages asking for money or favours. Make up excuses to be unavailable for visits or get togethers. Start small and increase your unavailability until you are either gone completely or decreased enough to avoid the drama and importuning.

And if you haven't already, get counseling for the past SA as well as the dynamics of your family. And if you have had counseling in the past, it may be time for a 'tune up'. That's where you reexamine your strengths and weaknesses to those that aren't in your corner and learn (or relearn) the techniques to protect yourself.

Lablonde · 02/01/2025 16:20

WilfredsPies · 02/01/2025 14:07

I would be very, very careful here. I don’t think I would trust either one of them right now. She might not be your problem but your DH… it’s setting some alarm bells ringing for me.

i have a feeling she tried it on with my DH but he hasn’t said, he just implied it This is unacceptable from both of them. He is your husband; he doesn’t get to imply that your sister may have tried it on with him, and then say no more. His loyalty should be to his wife, not an extended family member. He needs to be very clear with you exactly what was said and/or done, and what he did to make it very clear to her that it was inappropriate.

She told him she doesn’t like me or the rest of the siblings At which point, he should have told her that she was entitled to her opinion but that he wouldn’t be engaging in any conversation where she was being negative about you. His loyalty should be to you.

my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t he’s only told me things that I kind of had a feeling about Again, his loyalty should be with you. The second she started confiding in him, he should have stopped her and made it very clear that he didn’t keep any secrets from his wife, so to only continue if she was ok with that. He’s made it him and her versus everyone else now, and has done a very thorough job in making sure that you know she’s a wicked manipulator who sleeps around and tells lies, while he’s just an innocent listening ear who can be trusted to keep people’s secrets. If it later emerges that anything else was said or done, who will be the first person at fault in your mind?

100% - you've saved me typing out basically the exact same reply

Branleuse · 02/01/2025 16:28

i wouldnt immediately believe your dh, especially since hes being cagey and secretive.
Id actually be concerned that he had possibly tried it on with my sister, and was now going all out to paint her as an unreliable witness in case it gets out.

That would be my worry, because thats such a common tactic that its almost a cliché.

I could be wrong, but its worth bearing in mind.

I absolutely would not be happy about him sharing secrets with my sister and cherrypicking what to tell me, as if his loyalty is with her

harriethoyle · 02/01/2025 16:30

I cannot understand why your husband is prioritising a secret with your sister over openness with you. That’s really shady…

harriethoyle · 02/01/2025 16:31

Cross posted @Branleuse i totally agree

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 02/01/2025 16:32

I think that nowadays some people are too quick to cut themselves off from family members, but this sounds like a good case for it, at least in your sister's case. It is sad if the children miss out but you can't have a relative bad mouthing you to your DH. I'm afraid I would be suspicious of him too and wonder why on earth he told you this horrible stuff and hinted there is more.

Ladybyrd · 02/01/2025 16:34

I think it's really inappropriate DH staying up late drinking with her and only telling you have the story, refusing to tell the rest. I would want to know all of it, and I would not accept him keeping her confidences. It is breaking your trust.

As for confronting her, go as LC as possible but don't get dragged into any drama. The trash has a habit of taking itself out in the end. I would never trust her again, mind you.

Lavenderfarmcottage · 02/01/2025 16:36

She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder or similar, the way she’s so black and white and can’t stand anyone. Your DH is obviously the exception to this and her bff in the family. I think she’s manipulating him and saying all sorts of things about you.

In terms of the sexual abuse, this is not how a sister should act. you don’t owe a sexual abuser anything nor his/her family and friends. Your response to this and how you handle it is between yourself, and maybe a counsellor for some guidanxe. Nobody else gets to weigh in.

Your DH needs to sit down and give a detailed account of what has happened.

Pinkissmart · 02/01/2025 16:37

Personally, I wouldn’t say anything so I could still have a relationship with my nieces and nephews. Emotionally though, I would be very boundaried and ensure I kept my interactions with her to an absolute minimum.

Agree with what others said about your husband

Original poster
iCantStopppEatinggg · 02/01/2025 16:41

Thank you all so much everyone for your messages and insights. I tried to talk to DH and his response was “I wish I never told you, I should have known you would react like this”. I’ve left it now. I’m sat in kitchen whilst kids are playing and he’s sulking in living room. He keeps muttering things like “she’s right, you never do let things go”. I’m ignoring him. I’m waiting till 7pm so can get kids ready for bed and I’m just going to watch Netflix on my phone and stay out of his way.

OP posts:
MillyBar · 02/01/2025 16:43

As the old saying goes, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. Just have as little to do with her as you can possibly get away with.

DeepRoseFish · 02/01/2025 16:44

The fact that he is sulking because you won’t let it drop would arouse my suspicions even further!

joliefolle · 02/01/2025 16:45

In these family systems there are always these sorts of "don't tell x I told you but..." conversations, a lot of shit-stirring, a lot of being made to feel disloyal if you don't play along, a lot of manipulation. You should tell your DH that you want a full and frank disclosure of what was said, what happened. What he has told you chimes true because what you have said about her behaviour during your life suggests a fairly distinctive pattern. This can be the start of a turning point for you - DH needs to give you all facts you want, trust your instinct if you feel he's holding out, don't perpetuate the cycle of secrecy, he's being very cruel with the "you never let things go". You do not need to put up with this crap.

2025willbemytime · 02/01/2025 16:45

I think you should ditch your whole family and your husband. He doesn't have your back. He's being as cruel to you as everyone else.

SpryCat · 02/01/2025 16:46

First of all if my sibling, daughter had been SA by someone in the family, I would have their back, I certainly wouldn’t be pretending nothing happened and mixing with the abuser.
You don’t say much about your family but the little you did sounds horrific, you haven’t been protected nor respected and I would get therapy because it’s so f#cked up.
@iCantStopppEatinggg
I would expect my H to have my back, not to be up drinking with a member of family that does not give a fig about you, certainly not sharing confidences with. Why is he protecting what was said by your sister? Was she too SA? Why the secrecy? This is what I would expect from her own husband, not sharing what was said because he was protecting her!
If I married into a family like this I would keep myself aloof from them because they are not supportive and are siding with your abuser secretly. They are horrifying and I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with them all your life and had no support.