How to deal with sister after what DH told me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I’m not surprised actually I’m just a little hurt but not overly shocked. At Xmas we had all gone to bed but DH and my sister had stayed awake drinking. She told him she doesn’t like me or the rest of the siblings and can’t stand my parents which is very surprising as she’s always smooching up to them and being all nicey nicey to them. She told him she only cares about making herself happy and everyone else can go to hell. DH got the impression she’s sleeping around and cheating on her DH, I’m not shocked by this as she seems to go away for many weekends leaving kids with her DH. It feels like she said more but my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t he’s only told me things that I kind of had a feeling about.

she’s always been a very jealous person and quite vindictive. She asked me a year ago if I can take a phone contract out for her which I refused and the. Asked for money so she can buy a car. She’s much older but always looks at all of us as kind of that we owe her and should go without as long as she gets anything.

i have felt guilty in the past as she pleads poverty so I give her kids cash and gift cards on their birthdays but then whenever I see her she has the latest gadgets and nice clothes.

i have a feeling she tried it on with my DH but he hasn’t said, he just implied it. I kind of feel a little relieved knowing all these years when I’ve sensed something I haven’t been wrong and she is just a user who tries to use people. I don’t want her in my life anymore but for the sake of the kids don’t want a full blown confrontation. One thing that got to me was she told DH that I cause so many issues and can’t let things go. She was referring to my SA when I was a child because I refuse to talk to that family member whilst the rest of the siblings still talk to him. That part is the only part I’m really angry about.

what would you do? I feel a little angry and a little relieved that I’m not imaging it all and she is a horrible evil little cow I always knew she was

she does have a little hold over me which I don’t get such as if if want to see my other sibling she’s never happy if we meet up alone and always wants to be there but it’s okay for her to meet that sibling alone and see me alone.

Also why would your dh tell you this? To make you not talk to your sister and find out what really happened between then?

Gotta agree that I don't trust your husband, or that nothing happened between them!

But this doesn’t hold water. If he didn’t want to upset you he would have shut the conversation down immediately and not told you a thing.

By only telling you snippets he is not only already upsetting you but also leaving you tormented wondering what else was said.

So why did he sit there listening to it and then come back and repeat it to you?

What everyone has said. If I was up drinking with one of DH's friends (I doubt I would) and they said, "don't tell MrPratchett this" I would laugh in their face. Of COURSE I will tell MrPratchett everything.

It's different for example when say a best friend tells me their secret about them and asks me not to share. But two people sharing information about, and that affects, ME, and keeping secrets? Hard no.

First DH tells you everything, then you decide what to do. Hopefully ever see any of these idiots ever again.

OP, you might like to consider the possibility that he's preparing for when she tells you that he made a pass at her/ told her your marriage was dead or whatever happened the other night. Then he can say 'You know what a two-faced liar she is. She's always been jealous of our happiness. I told you she told me how much she hates you and the rest of the family. She's just trying to cause trouble.'

I think your husband is a complete prick. He is part of your family which means its totally inappropriate for him to listen to your sister bitch about his wife's family. He's a dick form promising to hold her confidence and a nasty bastard for putting all this on your mind when he should have just shut it down, told her he was going to sleep, and left the room.

Complete tomfuckery from a man that will.frame himself as the good guy while loving the drama and seeing you suffer.

Your husband should have removed himself entirely from her presence.
Sounds like he’s a gossip and enjoyed shit stirring and her attentions.

Red Flag 🚩

This in spades. ⬆️

Was her tongue loosened by drink? People say all sorts of stuff when they are drunk.

There's not much you can do but be careful, certainly be less available to her in future. It's good that your husband told you.

If you are brave enough you could speak to her privately about this, telling her what your husband relayed to you, asking her to explain. Find out if she meant it or was it the drink talking. I think I would do that.

Whilst you obviously have a poor bunch of relatives, just another voice here adding to be suspicious of your DH and his motives in this. He should have walked away as soon as the topic was brought up and in your shoes I wouldn't be jumping to believe everything he says, especially any further reveals down the line.

I'm afraid I thought the same as everyone else about your husband. At best he's just revelling in being in the middle of it all, watching you get upset, being the person your sister will talk to but ultimately he doesn't care that this upsets you. He thrives in it. And by leaving bits out, he can drag this out for weeks or months.

At worst he slept with or tried it on with your sister. And he's painting her as a villain so you don't believe anything she tells you.

I don't think your husband is a good person. Have a good think about it there are other things he's done or said that might actually be a red flag.

I'm so sorry about your abuser and people staying in contact with him then making out that you are the issue. You absolutely are not, and you shouldn't feel embarrassed about not wanting to see someone who hurt you in any way.

Staying up drinking with a SIL is not necessarily off, but staying up drinking with this SIL was never going to be appropriate. What was your husband thinking?
I'd just cut her out to be honest, or have as little contact as possible. The comment about you being a trouble maker for not being willing to play happy families with your abuser rings enough warning bells. The hold she has over you will dwindle with time and you'll feel a weight lifted.
I can't believe your family haven't cut them off and are exposing their children to a perpetrator but I know that's not what you asked about.

Your husband needs to tell you clearly what went on. Did she make a pass? He's sat there listening to her bitch about you unchallenged and in the same conversation say she's unfaithful to her husband. That very much sounds like testing the waters. Why is he keeping secrets for her?
Surely he isn't trying to maintain good relations where there can no longer be any? He should be wanting her as far out the picture as possible to protect his family from her horrible ways.

My thoughts entirely.

I absolutely hate it when people tell you "something" happened or was said, but then they won't give you the whole story. Why not just keep quiet then?

Something happened that night between them. He won't say what it was, "as he doesn't want to hurt you", but when she later exclaims that he made a pass at her, he can say "I told you something happened, but it was the other way around!"

Even if that's not the case, why on earth is his loyalty with her and not you?

And this whole DH got the impression she’s sleeping around and cheating on her DH, I’m not shocked by this as she seems to go away for many weekends leaving kids with her DH is a pile of bullshit. How do you get the impression that someone is sleeping around? She either confessed that, or she didn't. There is no middle ground. And if she did, why is he keeping that secret for her? Unless there's something in it for him?

Nahhhh.

I would be upset too!

I think it say a lot about your family. I cannot imagine how hurt you must be.

Something definitely happened between them. Don’t ignore it.

Ask him to tell you everything and if you're hurt by it then so be it. It's usually easier to get over something when you know the details rather than constantly imagining what happened or what was said.

This!! How dare he imply things to his wife about possible sexual come on by another but not disclose that or what this other said to him as he “promised” ……what a gent….for anyone but you it seems!

sounds to me he is laying the ground for discrediting her as much as he can as he knows what happened and has no excuses ……don’t fall for this you’re worth so much more!!!!

He shouldn't be deciding what you can and can't handle.

Unless he's got something to hide.

Like perhaps she made a pass at him and he didn't shut her down.

Thinking with the lower brain you mean?

TBH - if your sister was drinking, presumably H was too?
It doesn't sound as if you like her much to start with, plus the expectation that you should disregard what your abuser did in the past - cut contact with her.
If you trust DH, either let it go or push further for more detail - but what do you think you will gain from that?

If you suspect that your niece/nephew may be at risk, contact social services.

I think a lot of the other posters are right, and he is discrediting your sister, quickly, before she tells you he came onto her, or that they shagged, so he can reiterate that she's a liar and a cheat. I wouldn't trust him.