How to deal with sister after what DH told me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I’m not surprised actually I’m just a little hurt but not overly shocked. At Xmas we had all gone to bed but DH and my sister had stayed awake drinking. She told him she doesn’t like me or the rest of the siblings and can’t stand my parents which is very surprising as she’s always smooching up to them and being all nicey nicey to them. She told him she only cares about making herself happy and everyone else can go to hell. DH got the impression she’s sleeping around and cheating on her DH, I’m not shocked by this as she seems to go away for many weekends leaving kids with her DH. It feels like she said more but my DH won’t tell me as he promised her he wouldn’t he’s only told me things that I kind of had a feeling about.

she’s always been a very jealous person and quite vindictive. She asked me a year ago if I can take a phone contract out for her which I refused and the. Asked for money so she can buy a car. She’s much older but always looks at all of us as kind of that we owe her and should go without as long as she gets anything.

i have felt guilty in the past as she pleads poverty so I give her kids cash and gift cards on their birthdays but then whenever I see her she has the latest gadgets and nice clothes.

i have a feeling she tried it on with my DH but he hasn’t said, he just implied it. I kind of feel a little relieved knowing all these years when I’ve sensed something I haven’t been wrong and she is just a user who tries to use people. I don’t want her in my life anymore but for the sake of the kids don’t want a full blown confrontation. One thing that got to me was she told DH that I cause so many issues and can’t let things go. She was referring to my SA when I was a child because I refuse to talk to that family member whilst the rest of the siblings still talk to him. That part is the only part I’m really angry about.

what would you do? I feel a little angry and a little relieved that I’m not imaging it all and she is a horrible evil little cow I always knew she was

she does have a little hold over me which I don’t get such as if if want to see my other sibling she’s never happy if we meet up alone and always wants to be there but it’s okay for her to meet that sibling alone and see me alone.

Just avoid her completely and NEVER have her in your home again.

Refuse to respond to any attempts to engage.
Leave her to your toxic mother.
As for your husband, he's no prize.
I think you need to protect yourself from him and see him for the unloyal weasel he is.

Mind yourself OP, you cannot change family, husbands etc, only yourself.

@iCantStopppEatinggg

I know that 'hope springs eternal' but it sounds to me as if you have the measure of your family and that they will never have your back. My advice is to stop trying to make them see your side or to side with you. I get it's horrible to feel you have no one to talk to about things, but if you truly feel that there is absolutely no one then the best thing to do is get a counselor. Not only are they wonderful listeners, but they can help you sort through all the shit you get handed and give you the tools to put it all where it belongs. And frankly, the place for most of it will be in your mental 'bin'. And they can teach you the tools to 'stand strong' with your family as far as refusing to put up with crap from them.

As far as this issue, I think you've done all there is to be done. So now will come the time to think about how you want to handle your family/your sister in the future. Again, a counselor can help you figure that out in a healthy way that works for you.

It sounds as if you've decided to trust in your husband's honesty and your faith in him. I'm not going to question that. Just remember that you can trust and still keep your eyes and ears open. And that your DH should support you in any decisions you make, whether he 'likes' them or not.

Stop meeting with her at all, don’t invite her into your home and go very low contact with other family members who seem to be dismissing the fact you were sexually assaulted as a child!
If your family are not being positivity to your life then you don’t need to keep them in your life.
Your Dh is being a bit of a prick a as well, where’s his loyalty to you?

You were the victim of CSA and not one person in your family is sticking up for you. They are still in contact with your abuser, if you try and tell them how upsetting and disloyal this is you are told that you are the troublemaker and your DH doesn't sound as though he has your back. Their behaviour is disgusting and they should all be ashamed of themselves.

Have you had any therapy to deal with this?

Your sister sounds like a horribly untrustworthy character, bad mouthing you to your husband and then privately texting him to ask him to keep secrets from you…..unbelievable, I would be asking him to not answer any of her texts in future, she is trying to break up your marriage!

At least he’s showing you her messages. He’s trying to redeem himself.
don’t let their opinion of you, affect who you are

Your family won’t change, you had no one who had your back as a vulnerable child and protected you.
You’re an adult now so try to distance yourself from all of them.

I can see why your husband was reluctant to tell you everything as he didn’t want to be caught up in the family drama, he needs to acknowledge his part in it though. He could have just got up once she started slagging you off and said don’t you dare slag my wife off to me and went to bed.
Dysfunctional families love nothing better than causing drama and division so best thing he can do is text her saying “my loyalties are with my wife, I initially said I wouldn’t say anything as I knew it would hurt her but secrets cause more damage. Eggs was SA as a child, not one of you had her back nor even care now.”
It would be him naming the elephant in the room and your so called family wouldn’t want that brought up, you can then start distancing yourself from them. I would get therapy then as part of your healing will be acknowledging how they chose (yes they chose!) to pretend you were just the troublemaker in the family and believed the abuser was innocent. They turned their backs on you and even now are out to cause trouble, they’ve even tried to divide you and your H as I believe they still resent you for (as they see it) the trouble you caused. You were an innocent child, easy prey for a predator who knew your family wouldn’t protect you and would rather believe you were a liar, as that’s evident by having a secret family WhatsApp group chat with him. I would even go as far to say these people if they could guarentee your children’s silence would introduce them to the abuser as a trusted family member.

Silently leave her life.

I read it as it was his sister, until the "she may have tried it on with him" bit

His loyalty is to you!
If he doesn't tell you everything something is amiss here!!

Still silently leave her life, DH is another issue altogether!