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AIBU?

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Original poster

To leave DH after/before Disneyworld holiday?

252 replies

Greenstorybook · 02/01/2025 12:23

I want to leave DH. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time but practicalities and not having the b*lls to make the change have kept me.

We have a family holiday to Disney, Florida booked for May. This will be the second time taking DC there and I’m desperate to be able to take them for a second time; they would also love to go back and talk about wanting to go again frequently. DC currently don’t know this holiday is booked or that there was any possibility of going for a second time.

We had mutually agreed to this holiday when things were better between DH and I than they are now. My plan was to have one last family holiday, take DC to somewhere that i would unlikely be able to afford to do on my own, and then allow our relationship to naturally reach the end when we got back.

However, I’m so unhappy right now and I’m struggling to even be happy in front of my children. I feel that realistically my children would most benefit from my happiness than a holiday to Disney. Therefore I feel that I should consider leaving now and cancelling the holiday?

I do worry that actually the holiday would end up being awful as DH and I aren’t always on the best terms but could hide it from DC to some extent. But will it end with sour memories for myself, when really it should be a holiday that leaves positive memories?

on the flip side, I’ve lived with this sadness and wanting to leave for so long now that I think “what’s an extra few months for the sake of being able to take my children to Disney?” - somewhere where they really want to go to again and I probably wouldn’t be able to afford to do as a single parent. They’re only young once and I want them to have the experience again.

What do I do?
Do i put my own happiness first and risk never being able to take them to Disney again?
Or, do I suck it up as I’ve lived feeling this miserable for so long, carry on feeling this way for a short while longer so that DC can have one last amazing experience?

OP posts:
QuirkyWriter · 02/01/2025 13:47

As the children don’t know I would cancel and really start making plans to leave. It’s only a holiday - lots of kids never experience Disney and are fine with that. Your kids have been once and you’ll have other great experiences with them when you are happy and relaxed which will be much better than an expensive experience where you’ll be putting on a face for them. It might even be miserable for you all if you and dh are not getting along at all.

HellofromJohnCraven · 02/01/2025 13:47

Cancel it. You need your half of the five figure sum.
Also if it goes pear shaped on the holiday, it will be an expensive way to ruin Disney
My parents were unhappy in their marraige, it was worse/more obvious to us kids on the few holidays we went on.

WooleyMunky · 02/01/2025 13:48

LTM
(Leave the mouse)

PokerFriedDips · 02/01/2025 13:48

Don't mix up this holiday with your breakup.

Over Christmas I had a conversation with my BIL (sister's DH) about memories of childhood holidays. His last family holiday was just as his parents were on the cusp of splitting up and it's cast a dark shadow onto every holiday since. He's had councelling to process all the trauma and is just about now (in his late 40s) starting to be able to enjoy holidays without spending the whole time out of his head on drink or drugs.

Many children manage to get through their whole childhood without going to Disneyland once. They don't need to go again. Certainly you shouldn't stay in a miserable situation in order to provide them with a holiday.

Do what you need to to prioritise getting yourself away and separated from stbxDH. Find out whether you can get a full refund or can rearrange the holiday - potentially postpone it a year and suggest that either he takes the kids without you or you take them without him. If you are both being mature enough to put the kids first then it doesn't matter which, but if either of you are indulging in petty one-upmanship instead it would be better to go for the refund.

stayathomer · 02/01/2025 13:49

I hate saying this but I wouldn’t assume the holiday totally rests on you- dh took the kids away last year as I couldn’t go and I thought they’d be miserable without me but they had a great time (myself and dh also having issues, are in the middle in terms of what happens in 25, 24 was miserable

Teapot13 · 02/01/2025 13:49

I also think they will realize, possibly not till they’re older, that the dream vacation was a sham and you had one foot out the door, so possibly won’t be a lifelong happy memory, even if you are able to pretend during the trip.

BoudiccasAxeWound · 02/01/2025 13:50

Separate now, but let him go on the holiday. It will be obvious to him by May that you will be separating - you really won't be able to contain it - and the holiday will not be a happy one for anyone.

Plus you can allow him to take them in the full knowledge he has stepped up as a 'Disney Dad' and can dine out on that one for ages.

Managing2020 · 02/01/2025 13:51

So my parents told me they were getting divorced and that we were going on our first ever Disney holiday all in one go. It’s fair to say that the holiday was a disaster….

TortillasAndSalsa · 02/01/2025 13:51

Could you cancel the Florida trip and get yourself sorted and leave your dh if that's what your set on doing then once your settled with the kids further down the line, you could take them to Disneyland paris for a few days. It's not the same as Florida granted but it's still Disney magic

Doggymummar · 02/01/2025 13:52

Cancel. That 10k will be better spent on solicitors fees

Mirabai · 02/01/2025 13:52

It has all the potential to be a very expensive family holiday from hell.

And there are many more lovely memories you could make with your kids that don’t involve ersatz tawdry theme parks. Take them to a real fairy tale castle in Europe for a fraction of the price.

BusyPoster · 02/01/2025 13:53

Also would it be a good memory for them when they look back, oh that was the time we went to Disney just before mum and dad split up?

NeedToChangeName · 02/01/2025 13:55

Greenstorybook · 02/01/2025 12:31

To add, a 3 figure deposit is paid. The total amount of the holiday will be a 5 figure sum. So all that would be lost at this moment is the 3 figure amount if cancelled now.

I wouldn't sacrifice financial security for the sake of a holiday. so I think I'd cancel. If, say, deposit is £100 and holiday cost is £11,100, then proceeding with the holiday would cost you £11,000 that could be better spent financing two households post-separation

Branleuse · 02/01/2025 13:57

id cancel the holiday, and cut your losses. Start the seperation, and take them to eurodisney in the summer or next year

pinkyredrose · 02/01/2025 13:58

Greenstorybook · 02/01/2025 12:31

To add, a 3 figure deposit is paid. The total amount of the holiday will be a 5 figure sum. So all that would be lost at this moment is the 3 figure amount if cancelled now.

Sod Disney, your happiness is much more important. The kids haven't enough holiday experience to know what else they'd like.

Use the money as a deposit on your own place.

NeedToChangeName · 02/01/2025 14:00

When finances allow, you might be able to take the children to Disneyland Paris. That would cost far less than Florida

MellowSunshine · 02/01/2025 14:00

I would cancel it, and if you are certain the relationship has truly ended, I would initiate the separation process. The sooner these matters are resolved, the better. I delayed two years getting the courage to request a divorce, and then, spent the next two years navigating the divorce proceedings. I wish I had acted sooner.

devilspawn · 02/01/2025 14:02

Either take them with your mum or he takes them with his mum (or similar suitable person).

At least let the kids have one last dream Disney holiday before their lives get turned upside down.

Pelagi · 02/01/2025 14:02

Cancel, and initiate the separation, for all the reasons given above. Otherwise it just seems like you are using your H for the money.

Jaggy1 · 02/01/2025 14:03

I’d probably cancel it but try and have something fun planned for you and DC for after separation. If it turns nasty you don’t want H to tel the kids ‘you could’ve gone to Disneyland but mum cancelled it’.
You need to be happy, full on and energetic holidays like that are a recipe for arguments for a happy couple, it likely wouldn’t go well!

AndThereSheGoes · 02/01/2025 14:08

I agree with this.
I expect an immediate reaction will be to "punish" you by cancelling the holiday so broach the subject carefully.

I also think the holiday will be crap with this hanging over it.

neverbeenskiing · 02/01/2025 14:09

I imagine your DH will feel used if you announce that you're leaving him straight after a very expensive trip. If you want to keep things amicable then that's not the way to go.

If you leave him before the holiday, are you prepared for the fact that he may still decide to take the DC on the holiday without you?

MrsAga · 02/01/2025 14:12

Greenstorybook · 02/01/2025 12:31

To add, a 3 figure deposit is paid. The total amount of the holiday will be a 5 figure sum. So all that would be lost at this moment is the 3 figure amount if cancelled now.

I’d change the holiday to something costing within the deposit that you’d lose if cancelling. No cancellation fee if it’s just a change, usually a nominal admin fee, occasionally no fee at all. Then you can start the separation process now whilst still having a lovely holiday to look forward to (for just you & DC)
Discuss with H first with some options. Maybe couples therapy between now & the holiday might help either improve your relationship or help to get a more amicable separation.

Good luck whatever you decide. X

Stuck1001 · 02/01/2025 14:14

It feels really dishonest to your children to take them on a supposed 'perfect' holiday while you are so unhappy. They will no doubt pick up on it and, as PP's say, their memories/ideas of 'holiday' might be really damaged.

Leave now. Start your new life. There will be other holidays, some with you some with your future ex.

Ellie1015 · 02/01/2025 14:14

Staying for fianacial reasons would be if you were worried about affording a home not one last trip to disney.

If it is over don't string it out, that will be unfair on you, the kids and dh.